A
female
age
41-50,
*dkairborne
writes:I don't know where to begin. I have had alot of bad relationships. I know what you're supposed to say and not say. Pretty much I always get sick of how people treat me and then I just act like them and I can't help it. I hate myself cause I like do things on purpose say things. let me get to the point.Anyways I was having a real bad time in life. BUt I was happy sort of. I was being positive and slowley I started to realize I was living in a bad place. HAd no support and well I started to want a boyfriend. Anyways this guy I knew at work for a long time asked me out. Problem was I always liked him but He compained to us all at work about his crazy obsessive girlfriend. The only reason he was still with her was becasue of a kid that wasin't his. It has been a little over a year and now I am depressed, cannot get out of bed, suicidal and have no hope in life. I cannot trust anyone becasue of circumstances in my life with many people and my family has been unsupportive. I feel alone rejected and I know I need to get away from this guy to be rid of his ex. She is fighting tooth and nail and making him miserable and playing crazy games. Never watches her own son. Both her kids are cheating mistakes I guess and she has threatened to kill herself, calls over and over and over, places her son over his parents and uses her son to manipulite get money get him to stay over for holidays when she has to work. has stalked calls his mom and cries, makes up stories that noone belives about me, like I call her house harrass her, am a hoar. I get screamed at a few times that I try to take her son away from family. but honestly I never say much only a few thing to him like U know this person is dong these things to U. Probobally never even recived these phone calls. Made it up. She makes up stories about how she has a new boyfriend, casue I went out and actually tried dating. BUt she is lying. Cause even though I am younger I mean this women has a sizteen year old she dumped on another guy she cheated on for sixteen years. If it means his "son" Than he will do whatever he says. PLus his own mom who got attched to this child when she had cancer has had five childeren and numerous grandchildern of her own and runs him around for diapers, to get the child out of her hair. He will fight to death for this child and whenever he does not do what she says she will tell him he is a bad "father" and she will take him away. At several points he was like no more I am ready to move on I love my new girlfriend. BUt this woman played more and mom hardball and now he can't tell what he wants. THis woman puts her almost five year old and dipars and gives him bottles and makes herself not take care of her kid so that he and his family will take care of her and she will always have an emotional attachent. and one day to the next I do not feel like he will ever really love my child and he will never get over her and she will never get over him. As much as he has tried to get rid of her now they are on and off friends. Whenever a nail breaks she will be on the phone with him. THey will fight. then they are friends. BUt he claims he isn't attracted to her. It is all for the kid. BUt he cares about her cause she had a bad life. but he doesn't want to have sex with her. BUt he loves her but he hates her but he doesn't. He even screames at me for no reason a few times that I did not accept his "son" and I have tried very hard to accept his son. and I hate myself now becasue his son makes me sick. I hate a four year old. Whenever I ty to form a bond with him She will pull him away not let him around me use her son to keep him going to his moms. her house even on xmas. Even though they hate each other, she manipulates him stresses him out and uses his whole family and her son to get whatever she wants. I try to help him be there get rid of him tell him the truth everything. I hate him for being so stupid and I hate him for taking it out on me. BUt now I am knee deep in this to. I am scared to be homeless and afraid to be alone and feel like noone else is around and I will never trust anyone again. I am on medecation have tried doctos psycologists. Am seeing one now. I have tried to date other people but have no intres. Becasue I have heard so much about there problems and heard thier life story I am pissed becasue I now obsesses over them all the time. I don't even think she is anything close to as cool as I am but I purposely hate myself I don't know... I feel like I am her. She is ten ears olser than him and closer to my moms age than I am. I feel like they took all there negaivity and pu it on me so now I told him I belive that He met me so they could put there hate for each other on me and love each other again. I hate myself and am seriously thinking that is what my existence is for. To help, random people, realitionship partners, familey and friends and pretty much the whole world by taking all there crap so they can go on with there lives. I am seriously thinking about suicide becasue its the only way out. I could go to the best hospital or beg to god and I just don't think anyone can help me cause I already know loads about psycology and preety much everything. THe only reason I don't kill myself is becasue I have a little girl and she doesn't have anone except me. MY life is basically try to get through work. Weekeneds pretend I am okay. I want to die. I can't get rid of him becasue then I will have noone to check on me make sure that i go to work. He runs between moms and exs and here. He says he loves me but I don't feel like its real more like friends. I think he may have just went out with me for sex a first and lied about it saying he loved me wanted to marry me. Say all these things and I get the truth out of him now. I wish I never met him. I don't belive anything he says someimes but raionally I understand that you can't excpect people to be consistant when they are confused. I feel sick about myself and would admit myself to a hospital but then I would not be able to work and when I got out I would be homeless and severly in debt. Cause he just lost his job and we are now in debt and its all in my name, even though he made twice as much as me. IT was very messed up stuff people do to him like they do to me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Cause I like myself I just hate myself cause I don't belong anywahere and don't even listen to people anymore feel like part of the human race. to top it all off. THere is only one person I feel connected to still even though they are not around anymore. And for some wierd reason that is like the only thing that makes me happy even though I don't expect I'll ever see hear from them again. I feel like I cornball becasue I know how fickle people are and always lived inside my mind but I am sick of it. Sorry people THat this is all jumbled up and wierd. I am sick of complaining being negative. I wish I was dead though. Mabye I am a hoar and everyth.ng is my fault.
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at work, debt, depressed, his ex, lost his job, money, move on, my ex, stalking Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I think you really have a good grasp on these behaviors and recognizing how they are not OK and can cause problems and also really destroy relationships. That's good. What is not is there is too much transferance going on here. That's where these behaviors are prompting you or giving you reason to act or behave in a way that is against your normal being. It causes hate toward others, and is destructive within its self.
A friend of mine is a psychiatrist, he mentioned, when meeting with a client who really has major emotional issues, they'd leave and he'd feel a bit different than before they came in. That would happen to him within a matter of 30-60 minutes. You could imagine what can happen being around it as often as you have been.
I really do feel sorry for your situation, but I think by learning, and working to move yourself forward, you'll find yourself and your child in a better place than you are in right now. That is my hope for you and your life, take care.
A
female
reader, rdkairborne +, writes (20 January 2008):
rdkairborne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh yeah. I don' know if I forgot to tell you, they met at a gas station when the kid was 6 months old. He needed a place to live. She was nice and sweet. WHy don't you come stay with me!? Prolly pouty faced. AT forty something she really should not be preying on people ten years younger with no kids of there own! CHA CHING. DADDY MEANS CHA CHING! CAuse he had a good steady job. SHe lost her place and they moved in with his family while she sat on her big old butt refusing to help, get a job or take care of her kid. WHen she finally got a job she worked part time and now makes more money than I DO, on part time. I work sometimes often twelve hour days six days a week to make as much as she does.
ABout the ony thing she does for the kid is spend a thousand dollar holidays on a small child all action figures basically and crap at wall mart and thats it. SHe appaermtly does not have enough money for bills, rent now that she is on her own, or even enough or proper clothing for her son! Athough I have heard her and her older daughter go on CLothes shopping sprees. Can not help her son learn the toliet either! I Heard this form them! this was told to me through them! I did not say anyhing I have not lied ALl I heard was true. SHe wants help enrolling him in school. SHe wants them to watch child when she gets mad and wants to go on a date cause shes jelous, trying to make him jelous. gets all dressed up to go out. BUT i am POSITIVE she just goes home sits on her fat ass and obsesses and writes text messages!
WHen that doesn't work "I'm gonna see his REAL FATHER!" THen the whole family panics in distress. "I have a boyfriend and i can't tell you his real name and he thinks this is unhealty. You are no good for me..." EVen though he is not your boyfriend or your kids father!! NO WAY YOU HAVE NOBODY CAUSE UR OBSSESSED CRAZY! who cares! GEt over the kid PLEASE GOD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. EVEN REAL FATHERS AND MARRIED FOLK WHO ARE CRAZY TOO DO NOT put up with this! THey never were married. they never got along.
his family, Wrong place at wrong time! I can clearly see that the family and he have had there own dysfunctional family problems and therfore an easy target! If i wasin't him, it wouldv'e been someone else! SHe shoulda scanned the bar for a vunarble person with a great job. SHe proally did at that but nobody wanted her! Perfect target he was. This woman has infared like the Ternminator. What sucks is if I were first, it wouldv'e been diffrent! Cause being a vagabond and poor kid, I have been taken in and helped many people! Cause I learned how to do that kind of stuff cause you can't hold your hand out for free! And I had nothing to give but myself! When I was ninteen I got taken in by some people and later they all got promotions, got married and they let me live there for free just to have me around!
IT couldv'e been us instead! I was that close! becasue we met around the same time they did as friends. SHe had accused him of cheating on her with any female at work and would watch over his shoulder while he read the newspaper to make sure he was not looking at JC PENNY MODELS. SHe also tried to run his nephew over with a car, was jelous of their relationship and would not leave them alone toghther. Would listen to all his phone calls with male friends and not let him leave to do anything. Call him at work tewnty times! MAKe him go to twenty four hr wall mart to buy a movie for kid after work, the day the movie came out at 2:00 in the morning... TO TEST HER CONTROL STUPID! All this and MORE...before I was with him... while living with his whole familey in the same house. Now that they are not toghther, his own mom calls constantally for the boy and HE has to be there everyday for "his son" cause his mom is old and cannot do it herself. So He has run there everyday. PLus drop kid off and pick him up for the one or two days a week EVIL actually has her son.
Daughter calls whinning "I'm stressed out PLEEEZZEE."SHe rather go hang out smoke dope with her friends. SHe got daughter doing her bidding too. GREAT another bitch in the making! BITCH JR!
Cause evil must be too fat or lazy to drive to get and pick up her son from his moms...even though he still pays her car insurance cause she cannot afford it! but mostley cause she wants to see my... now buddy... Keep us seperated. I decdeid. YOU gonna live for this kid, be her slave. YOU SLEEP OVER THERE on Xmas for kid... WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER LIVING WITH ME! I don't want you here if you don't even live here. Good luck ever having a life of your own. If you wanna bleed and would die for this child he must be made of gold. NO WOmen will ever want to be with you unless they have problems and would still get sick of it. Better choose somebody who your ex and mom like. Cause thats the only way.
SOOOO u can IMAgine Why she must hate me so much, cause she thought we were doin it long before he kicked her out. FALSE. never crossed my mind! PLus I am youger and better lookinig! OH WELL god had to give me something! ANd mabye that is why everyone hates her so much and she is so fat old ugly and bitchy! MAbye if she wasi't EVIL she could be preety vloumpious and wise! SHe could find someone who would really love her and her son! YOu cannot teach an old dog new tricks I guess.
I still am angry at them but moreso angry at this person who YES I AGREE is the DEVIL INCARNATE. I deal with people with problems my whole life and they have been shisty but I will not call them evil. IT takes alot for me to hate someone. I call this woman KLINGON!I absoultley hate her and pray to GOD that she would run away with her kid! FIND Someone else! IF U are gonna kill yourself please do! Really I wish the real father, would come back and get his visitation rights instead of being scared away. LIke I have been! when the boat is sinking I will jump out and swim Liferaft or not. I feel like this is a novel. I just wanted to clarefy. This is defenitly "NOT HIS SON" IN fact her pushings and pullings and putting the kid on the whole family may cause love of this child but he wasin't even there FOR THE BIRTH! IT is SAD and DIscusting and yeah she shoyld be in jail for fraud too! sorry guys. I keep writing. my buddy will never enjoy the birth and raising of his own real child...that someone could not use against him or someone elese. cause then he could call the cops and get a lawyer. if he loves this kid imagine how happy he would be with his own. too bad he doubts himself. too bad his familey doesn't think about there own son and brother's well being... and coax him too the truth. whether its me or not. bitch...you will never win anything so i hope you are happy!!!
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A
female
reader, rdkairborne +, writes (20 January 2008):
rdkairborne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your replies. I do not feel sorry for this crazy woman. I am much younger than both of them and really have no support from anyone. I do wish she would drop off the face of the Earth. People like that I hate and belive that they are better of dead too! PLus I belive that me and my daughter my have aspergers, and my family is non exestint. MY dad is homless and my mom has severe self esteem issues. I always have been a extrovert and anything I did as a child was negative. I still get treated like I cannot do anything sometimes but have to get along and make my mother happy so she will not lose it. Which doesn't make much sense when I have to do everything myself? I do not want there help now anyways. I just want to be somewhere I am acccepted and don't have to worry about tomorrow. I do not hang out around her for too long or talk to my family anymore too much. MY mom and Dad are always in emotional or financial crisis. MY grandparents are very nice and loving but they do not understand becasue they are middle class. and uncles on my dads side I never had much in common with. MY mothers parents have not sent me anything for the holidays and my moms brother does not like me. I think it is becasue of my lifesyle. THe vagabond try to do things type. I dress like a skater/roker I guess you would call it. I like to dress my child like that soomtimes too. I mean I will put a little kid t-shirt and I try to share what I like with her. She likes to be like me and people have reassured me there is nothing worng with me and I do not get much stares or anything people in public they ussually gravitate like. ITs wierd.
MY friends around me have ripped me off. I feel like I do not know them anymore!ONe friend IS supposed to be my best friend but I paid him to fix my car and he did nohing but kept the money and pretended like he fixed it. I do not make much. I make 12 an hour thats the most I ever made. So I have to go to work. I work very hard try to be better than I can but it just about kille dme so I do what I can do now. I do think the people at my work are very nice but I just want to go to work to go to work. Becasue people are attracted to me in good and bad ways and I always liked people but that might be why I keep getting fierd!
So that is why I do not feel sorry for these two. I Wish I could get away from all this stuff not just them. I have learend alot more than both of them and I do belive the whole family, save one of them, is pretty ridiculus. As for paternity it seems so insane I have questioned myself if mabye they hooked up or something when they were drunk and don't remember. I have heard that the actual factual father had gotten out of jail for fraud and begged to see his son and they turned him away and said he was a real bad person. I told him that was wrong and they only knows what this lady says and puts in his head and do not know the father. I also said to my boyfriend that "some of the things you have done in life could have very well ended you in jail but they didn't". Drugs and the like. BEing that this lady cheated and got pregnat. I belive that this man who is supposbley the father was actually making an effort most people would not make. I don't feel sorry for that family or him and defnitaly not her at all. Anyone would act crazy if another man told them "He's my son not yours!" He is not the father, becasue his whole family says and knows he is not. THey are being brainwashed. His mother does not leave the house and was sick when they where toghther. SHe has rasied kids her whole life and has become attached and that is all she has to do with herself... But they all do not like this women hate her with a passion. THen she calls and cried and love her but do not want him and her toghther? and the his mother has expressed that she leave him alone. He gets sick of it and one time was like YOU know this is not my son! but then he forgets. ONe instance his mom was telling me be careful of her, another instance she yelled at me and said that I was going to get this kid taken away and I was jus standing there minding my own busness getting some milk or soomething. I say nothing back just??? look. Pretend I didn't hear it cause I know they make no sense.
THey will not call DCF police becasue they love the boy. THey will not call on woman becasue they fear for the boy. She can do whatever she wants!
AS for me and woman we have never exchanged words. SHe says things through him. HELL NO we have never seen met each other at all. I said HELL NO anyways! HAve no desire and she would probobally hurt me. I saw one picture of her one time, when she sent him a picture of her brusied butt with a huge pouty face in the hospital because she fell on the ice! HE showed everyone at work and laughed and said she was fat and stupid. I got funny look like I feel sorry for you from one kid. AT the time I thought this would all pass so I put the thought away and tried to forget what she looked like cause just her face and voice makes me sick. NOw when I see her name on signs or tv I feel sick and want to throw up.
Since she has lost his job he has been spending a ton of quality time with his "son". THis womans father just died and now I am sure that sympathy has played a part in there miserable friendship. WHere once he wanted to move on possibly have his own child and excel now he claimks he loves us both. BUt he does not have an attraction towards her feels sorry for what he has done. I got down to it becasue Anytime I try to tell him what I see going on he denies it defends her now. IN the past he would tell me and everyone who would listen how she was a bad mother crazy ectra. Evryone wished he would get away from her.
I told him that he was my best buddy. ANd he promised to help me becasue he put me in debt. Honestly he does really try hard to help me but I told him that when I am stable I do not want to run his life like his mom and ex girlfriend. therfore I really don't think we are a good match becasue while i like friends hangin out I need a daddy...for myself! Becasue I am damn well capable of doing more than most people around here. I will sit and wait till I find one! AGain! strange realization. Guess age money doesn't change much. IT is very sad. I know I am in dire straights but I will now never ever except this child or this woman and just one day alone sitting on my top bunkbed alone in the dark with a computer reading and drawing I turn my phone off and feel semi normal and I feel suddenly agitated whenever he shows up to see how I am doing. Hmmm. I don't care if I am alone for now. So be it! Worst thing he let my kid call him DAD when I asked him if it was allright. She doesn't really care when he is not around she asks but she knows evrything cause I explain everything to her. She knows that I will find us somewhere. My mom tells me I am not supposed to talk to her like that but then wy does she cry to come to my house all week... hmm. I don't even belive my mom either! Cause she does alittle bit of that guilt manpulitave stuff too! THe whole world is insane but I am the one noone can figure out what is wrong with me while I am dosed up on drugs! ONce again Sorry... I am a writer though... ummm. plus my computer caught on fire... so the keys are messed up.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 January 2008):
First of all, you do belong, if there wasn't part of you that believe that, you wouldn't be on here asking for help. He needs to get out of your life. Not because you don't love him, just that you can't jeprodize the possible safety of your daughter. This girl is psycho. What lead to that belief is the behavior + having a difficult past. She really needs checked for a behavior disorder.
Stop treating yourself this way. Your daughter needs you. You've been blessed with her, and she with you as her mother. You need to stay around for her sake, and for yours.
Stop listning to what this ex has to say. If she says your a whore, tell her to prove it. She's only saying that as a manipulative way to get at you and her ex. My ex-wife was called a whore once in an argument with a friend. I love her answer "How can I be a whore, I don't charge."
Here's the deal with your boyfriend and his ex. HE'S Not your problem. His dealings with his ex are not your issues, they're his. Your issue is only weather you stay with him during this battle, or move on away from it. I believe moving on would be a good decision. I've dealt with people like his ex before. They are the definition of EVIL. They will manipulate, lie, comit crimes against others, get people arrested, damage their reputation etc, as long as they get what they want.
Here's some advise for your boyfriend as well. (1) Make sure custody has been established by a court, with her behavior, he may even qualify for custody. (2) When she calls stating suicide, call the police immediately and have her picked up on a 72 hour watch. (3) File a suite to restrain her from others in his family. If they watch the children, until the order is canceled, he needs to mediate between she and his other family members. (4) If she calls and makes any threatning comments against him, call the police immediately, she'll be picked up on DV (domestic violence) charges.
I say this because people with these behaviors are dangerous. I am really sorry you are experiencing these problems. Now lets talk about you, OK. I don't even know you, but I care if you live or die. I care about your child living and growing up in a happy home. You can't worry much about his situation, that's for his solving, it's time for you to work on you. It's time for you to begin developing internal personal happiness, and moving in a forward direction.
Quite often, depression, and self hate comes from being out of balance, lacking something within that satisfies us as a whole. I'll let you know what I used to balance myself out. I use a method of establishing roles and setting goals to the roles.
There are 4 main areas of development. (1) Spiritual (2) Physical (3) Social (4) Emotional. Roles are direct and indirect relationships. Direct are with single people, indirect are with general such as employment.
Write down what your roles in life are. Such as your role to your parents and or siblings, your role to your child, your role at work, church, clubs, volunteer, etc.
Now with each role write down one goal from each category. Such as work, my job is in legal. For employment, social would be to attend a metting or observe a court hearing, or get a tour of another law firm to see how they practice. Just getting out there and meeting others building a network of acquaintences in the same field. From the spiritual side, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to work in the business I am in. I also feel blessed to have an opportunity to volunteer representing children who live in abusive homes. Physical, keeping myself in shape and planning good meals to eat right, also walking to the courthouse instead of driving, we're only 3 blocks away. Emotional, working in family law and with children can get real emotional. It takes work and exercising my ability to keep my emotions under control in situations that are dreadful, the pain people are going through, and I have to keep focused to do what's best for the children, and not let me emotions interfere.
Part of what I do, is study outside work also. I attend conferences to improve personal change.
What happens is we allow life to take control of our actions. We allow life to control out emotions, our stress, through work, kids, bills, etc. By establishing your roles, you're taking control of what happens in your life. If you take your child for a walk, or to the park, schedule the time you're going to do that. That's time, not to let other things interfere. By doing this also, you'll begin re-developing a sense of self. You'll begin feeling more and more needed, and important to the impact you can make in your life and the lives of others you associate with.
By doing this, I have impacted my life this way. Some say, they don't have enough hours. I say, you do, if you plan. I'm 36, a single parent of two children. I work as a paralegal, I'm a Christian country music recording artist, I give advise on here, generally at least 1 hour a day, I'm a member of a Christian church, and soon to be a certified counselor for Outreach Ministries.
I do this, because I set my roles, and schedule when I'll be working on different areas. I love living a life that's not self serving. Almost 8 years ago, I bet I was as depressed as you are now. I just didn't know why I was here, and didn't feel there was any reason to keep going. I know too, by thinking that way, I was thinking of myself, and what I was getting, not what I could provide to others. It makes a huge difference living with purpose, instead of just cruising along. I know, if you look deep enough, you'll find purpose that's knocking to be released. It may include your boyfriend, or it may not. That's for you to decide, but you can make this journey fun and real beneficial for you. The stronger you become, they stronger the guys you attract will be as well.
Take care, stay strong and push through this obstical no matter what it takes to begin moving you forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): The first step that i would do would be to get him out of my life, sorry but if he really was with you he wouldnt put up with all of this carry on from his ex. You say the kid isnt his, then why is he being manipulated? I think there is more there than meets the eye, but who cares?
Have a good long chat with him and put a few pointer across, the first one being that things have got to change and she has to be pushed out of his life for good. I see no reason for her being there in the first place, if she threatens to kills herself, then bloody good riddance. Why should you worry. Sorry to sound so hard, but she needs some hard firm guidelines and i think you have all been a bit too soft with her. I think once you walk away and get this entire rabble out of your life then you while certainly start to feel better and get your own life back on track. What kind of work do you like to do? Forget about the earning of high wages, go for something that you like and enjoy and make tomorrow the beginning of your life and get a job or hobby that you love. But i would run like hell from this hell hole type situation. Keep in touch if you want.
take care and stop putting up with it.
xx
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