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female
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writes: Hi, 2 weeks ago my bf of 3+yrs told me that few a months he hasn't felt the same about our relationship. That he loves me lots, but doesn't know or understanding how he's feeling or why things have changed. He said he's been trying to sort it in his head but it's confusing him and hurting so much that's he's had to tell me about it. He went away for a week to try and sort it, and has come back, but he's still not sure what he wants. I know he's only been back a week and it won't happen over night. he has talked to me about what he thinks the problems could and we've been trying to solve these. However, I can't stop thinking that it won't be long till he gives up on us. We've not been having major rows, only little silly ones occassionally and he's not seeing anyone. When he's been out with his friends recently i've got really paranoid and annoyed at how late he's been coming home, which i don't think is helping him. He says that at the moment it is a straight 50/50 chance as to whether he thinks the relationship will be ok or whether he'll end it. If he ends it he wants to be friends as he loves me so much, i'm not sure i could cope with that especially if he finds someone else. Hew says he is thinking (but not yet made a decision) about moving out for a bit and renting a room. Do you think this will be a good idea? Will this help him. I'm scarred this will result in him ending it. I love him very much and know from my past relationship what a good relationship we have, and how much i love him. I am confussed by all this too (as is he) because I believe if you love each other you can work through anything, but he disagrees. In the past year we have bought our own flat, but have always lived together, as we met as flatmates. He has had job worries too, as have I. In a way I hope that it might be a mixture of stressful things that he's not dealt with properly that's causing this, but the more we talk about it the less i believe this. I don't know what to do. I want to help, I want to support him, but i don't want to loose him. Please can you offer me some advise. Thank you for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Your bfriend definitely seems to have some personal issues and is very lost and confused at the moment. Here's some advice: Firstly you have to make sure that you aren't freaking out and are calm and very sure about how YOU feel and what YOU want- no reservations. If you're sure that YOU are 100% sorted then u can take the first steps to helping him.
-communicating is important (NO arguments, blaming,complaining), sit down with him and tell him in a very calm and sincere way that you are crazy about him and don't want the relationship to end.
-It's important that u also convey to him that you're not pushing him or needing an answe NOW; if he knows that he has time and there is no pressure on him it will make it easier for him to make the right decisions.
-You have to tell him that you support him fully and understand that he's perhaps feeling some things that u don't understand; and that u'll be there for him every step of the way IF he needs u.
-As for the moving out part- tell him u don't want him to move out and get a place of his own bcos u feel that u two will grow apart, BUT: tell him u understand that u might BOTH just need some space and time to think everything thru. So suggest he stays with friends or family for a week or 2 and have minimal contact with him ie: just casual "how was ur day" but still tell him that u love him after evry phone call.
-Sometimes we just need to be alone and away from the person we love; that way we realise how much we miss them and how much they actually mean to us.
When he gets back and has had time to make a decision as to how he reall feels about ur relationship (if he decided to stay) then u two will be able to start fresh knowing exactly where u stand and reassured that he loves you- because he came back.
Just don't hold it against him in future fights bcos u will just push him away. HAVE FAITH- if u know in ur heart he loves u then just give him time to reassure himself of ur relationship.
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