A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17, and my parents are very intent on me dating inside the race. I think it's stupid and I love my boyfriend. I know I'm young, and I shouldn't be using the word love lightly. But since when did age define your intellect levels, experience, and decision making process? Someone could be 30 and not know what love is. It all pins down to what you've experienced, who you've met, and your mindset. Anyways, I'm 17. I'm Asian, and he's African American. He treats me so good, he holds doors open for me, he holds my hand, he treats me like an equal, he respects me, he protects me, he makes me feel beautiful. The thing is, I'm sneaking around to see him and the anxious feelings, the stress, it's all becoming too much. I hate knowing I could get busted at any moment. I can't enjoy a date without having the negative thought of being caught at the back of my mind.I don't know what to do anymore. Until I am out under my parent's roof, I have to keep quiet. But it's becoming so stressful. My parents have made it clear they will never approve, respect him, nor welcome be back into their home. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015):
Age and experience are synonymous. And they bleed over into intellect and decision making process. You are 17. Think about how qualified you were to captain your own ship when you were 10. That's how you will look back on this time when you are 30.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 July 2015):
 From your question I think you are saying that your parents have met your Bf, and subsequent to that meeting they have expressed their feelings strongly that they find him unacceptable.
That is despite how respectfully he treats you. Their racism blinds their mind to what a nice young man he is.
Their opposition has had the opposite effect. Now you are more determined than ever to remain with your boyfriend.
But you fear the wrath of your parents, due to their opposition to your boyfriend and this is stressing you.
And if you do breakup your parents will probably rub salt into the wound with ''i told you so'' even though a high percentage of all teen relationships do fail.
It sounds like he is a lovely young man who is very respectful towards you. Is there any chance that you two could continue your studies at the same places in order to see each other regularly?
Is your boyfriend aware of your parents racism? If yes I imagine it is deeply hurtful to him. It should not still be happening in the 21st century, but I know it does.
Are you clear on the area of study you wish to pursue in the future? Is your Boyfriend? I hope that you both aspire to do studies in an area that will allow you both to seek work well outside your current community where your parents now live.
If that later means that your parents miss out on attending your marriage and miss out on seeing their grandchildren then so be it. There are thousands of people around the globe who have cut ties with family in order to live life without blaming and shaming by ignorant family.
Talk to your boyfriend about how important he is to you and about how his and your studies are the key to a better life together. And share how stressed you are feeling.
If you have the strength now to prepare for your adulthood, knowing that your adulthood may not have the presence of your racist parents - then all power to you.
Sadly I believe there are far more racists than just those who are overtly racist in public. You know your parents very well. You believe that they are racist based on things they have said in private and their pressure for you to marry a person of their race.
I have often seen people who are still trying to hold on to the culture of the country they were born in. They seem to be even more strident about supporting their version of racism, thinking they are preserving elements of their original culture.
Yet the land they left has often started moving on from outmoded values and attitudes from 30 or 50 years ago, while they have clung to these old values in their new land. The old values are thus redundant, except in their minds. But unless they revisit their former country they will continue to think that time has stood still in their former country
Racism is not an aspect of any culture that should be preserved.
The wider world however is moving on and rejecting racism as unacceptable, unjust, ignorant and just wrong on every level. It is not justifiable. It is not just.
Then there are so cultures so rigid that families will not see how limiting are their outmoded ideas. When I think of girls from a civilized peaceful culture being flown back to the land of their parents to suffer female circumcism I feel so very sad for those mutilated girl children. All to preserve a culture where the ideas are based on lies.
Similarly are the very very determined pushy parents who demand that theur child study certain subjects, demand that their child get the top marks in everything, and demand that their child not be this or that and make insanely unreasonable demands on their children then I can understand why such children lack any self confidence.
We all have the right to make decisions about our lives as adults. And live our lives as adults untainted by racism and bullying.
There are admirable good people in any culture. No race has a monopoly on honorableness and goodness.
Just as no race has a monopoly on dishonorableness and badness.
But try convincing a racist of these things and you are wasting your breath. Their minds are already closed. Their focus is too narrow to consider any value in others outside themselves.
However you are faced with the here and now. You need to complete your education and that will probably mean under your parent's roof.
Get that education. It is your passport to independance and happiness.
Once you are working you can build your life in the directions you want.
If one could subject the previous 700 years of a racist's family tree to rigorous professional genealogy research then most racists would find that their own ancestors were a very varied lot.
Enoch Powell was a terrible racist in the UK. He railed against people who were not white. Yet later research showed that his ancestry had multiple nationalities and yes, some were not ''white''.
I don't care if people are green, purple, pink or blue.
I DO care about their behaviour and their actions.
If a person talks like a racist, acts like a racist, then I find it repugnant.
you are fortunate that you have found a kind considerate thoughtful boyfriend. Let him know often what qualities you admire in him.
If family reject a family member due to the choices of that family member where the issue is racism then I would never want my child to meet nor have any contact with those racist family members. I would never want my child to hear racist remarks.
If family and extended family still harbored outmoded racist attitudes then
I feel their absence from my life would be no loss at all.
The world is a big place. There are over 7 billion people in this world. No one race nor one people nor one country is superior or inferior.
But there are values and attitudes and practices in some countries that undermine and weaken the countries.
Senseless violence, illicit drugs, hate, corruption, ignorance and racism are aspects that do weaken a society, a culture and a country.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 July 2015):
 There are many different levels of racist. The most severe kind is to actually believe a certain race is less intelligent, more aggressive, and can cause problems to society. A lot of people are racist only on the outside, meaning they would tell racist jokes to friends but if they meet a dark coloured person they could be friendly towards them. Then there are those who care what others thinks and are afraid of gossip, afraid of having to explain why they let their daughters date a black guy. The stigma of dating a black guy is that you can't find a good Asian guy, you are slutty and have no boundaries. It's not that your parents don't believe that black guys can be successful and nice too. They wonder why you have to settle with him when you won't have to deal with problems like gossip from ignorant people, being stared at on the streets if you just date inside of your race.
I never went that far in dating at 17. You have a whole life ahead of you. There is no need to fight for a chance at love when there are so many restrictions right now.
You know your parents better. Are they ones who would not attend your wedding even if you are both financially independent? Or can they be reasonable and accept him in the future? Be aware that if you go along with this, there could be a break up in the extended family as well. What if they would want to hide this relationship from others and that you have to move faraway from them? If you have a half black kid and he/she is never to know of your aunties and other cousins? That's what you have to consider as well. It's not just your life, but your innocent offspring as well. If you want to talk about adult love first know about the possible reality in the future.
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