A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend spends every other weekend miles away from me. He goes up there to see his daughter, but he stays at his ex wifes house and he ignores my phone calls and text messages and he does'nt phone or text me. His excuse is he doesn't want his wife to know about us cause he doesn't want to upset her and course any problems with her because it could be complicated to see his daughter. I dont know if he's cheating on me or is he being genuine. Please help because it is destroying me
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male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (14 October 2007):
Why did he get divorced in the first place. How long have you known him? You obviously don't trust him yet. How does he act when he gets back?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): I think the key to this is two fold 1)how long have you been seeing each other and 2)how long have they been divorced. If they are newly divorced (or separated), then it is fairly natural that he does not want her to know about you. It might not be right or fair, but in my experience it is very difficult for people to admit to seeing a new partner until at least 6 months after the separation. If you have only been together a short time, say less than 4 months, then he is probably keeping your relationship quiet because he doesn't know where you are heading just yet and may think 'what's the point of rocking the boat until we are both in a stable and long term relationship'. Some women can get difficult about these things, and only he knows whether she is likely to use their child against him. Having said all that, I think it's odd that he stays there every other weekend. Not that he sees the child every other weekend, which is very commendable, but surely if they are separated then he should stay elsewhere when visiting the child. Perhaps they have had a very amicable break up and can tolerate being in the same house as each other for a whole weekend. Which would suggest to me that either his ex wife is still single (would he stay with her if she was in a relationship?) or that she goes to stay with her boyfriend during that weekend. That's probably not the case or he would be able to answer the phone to you. Be careful with this, it could be that he is trying to get back with his ex. This would explain why he is staying with her whilst she is there, not answering your calls or texts, and pretending to be single. It's normal for people to keep their relationships quiet for a while when there are children involved, but if you have been together for a few months and are serious about each other (the 'I love you and want to have a future with you' stage), then you really need to question what on earth he is playing at. Why can't the child stay with him now and again? I'm assuming he has his own flat and doesn't stay with you (because then I would definitely kick him into touch - for him to be staying with you and keeping it secret would be terrible of him so let's assume he isn't that bad!). Time will tell whether he is leading you and trying to get back with his ex, or whether he genuinely cares for you and is just trying to keep things simple in the early stages. But like I said, if you have been together for a fair while and he still keeps your relationship a secret from her, then you need to question his motives because he could be stringing you along until he finds out where he stands with his ex. Best of luck XX
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 October 2007):
 I think you have every right to be upset about this situation as it does sound like there is something fishy going on here. He goes up there stays at his ex wifes house ( if it is his ex wife ) then he does not call you, text you, and ignors your calls. There are just to many things that just don't ring right. If it is is his Ex wife as he says, then it has got nothing to do with her atal if he wants to get another girlfriend, so why keep you secret?. the likellhood is, and its probably not what you want to hear is that he is still seeing her, as well as you. Where do you think he sleeps when he spends the weekends at her house, in the other room, i bet not. I know he goes to see his daughter, but why can't she go to his instead of him staying up there all the time, its what normally happens. Persoanlly i don't think you should put up with this, and in my opinion yes i think he is cheating, i think there is more to this than meets the eye. I would seriously consider whether this is what you really want.
All the best & take care x
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