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female
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anonymous
writes:OK, this is definitely the last time that I am going to post a question about this, but it's driven me to distraction for the last time...My boyfriend and me have been together for over a year now. During the course of this time, there has been one problem.. It's about a girl he used to fancy... When we met, he told me that nothing had happened between them, then about three months into the relationship, he told me that they had had a one night thing, (which made me anxious and mistrustful, because I thought that there must have been something to lie about--truly the worse nine months of my life), then eventually admitted that nothing had ever happened between them, and he made it up because he felt insecure of the fact that I had an ex-boyfriend, and promised that he wouldn't have any contact with her. Two weeks later he arranged to meet her behind my back while I was out of town... I found out.. Needless to say I wasn't happy, and he promised again that he would never do it, and he hasn't....Now, out of the blue, he's meeting up with her for coffee tomorrow.. He promised me that he'd have no contact with her, and now he acts like it's no big deal, because I'm 'over it'..How should I respond to this? Am I overreacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for the advice.. I'm so confused about this situation.. He went and met up with her today when I was at work.. I tried to talk to him about it, but he always twists things so that I feel like I'm in the wrong...
All I've done is try and be the best girlfriend that I can be.. He maintains that he only said that because he was upset when I found everything out, and has now changed his mind! What do I do now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): You should definitly confront him about this and tell him how you feel. So since you're "over it" that means he gets to have a free pass to some girl he may have fooled around with? Please! How immature and self centered he is. He should respect you and your feelings. If he absolutly needs to see this girl, I say ditch him. If he's great other than this, maybe tell him that you're tagging along - and mean it. If nothing is going on - and if nothing was going on - then he shouldn't have a problem with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): If it hadn't been for him lying, I would say you were over-reacting. However. Lying is not a good sign, because how can you really trust him?
What I think I would do is have a serious conversation and make it absoluetely clear that I want no more lies from now on, and that if there is any thing that they need to clear up, do it now.
From that point on, if you find out he lies again, no matter what it is, you know that he can not be trusted.
As for the meeting up, maybe you could suggest tagging along? You've been together a year, you should go out as a "couple" and see this other women in the context of her being just an acquaintance - not an ex who he has to go and see without you.
Good luck!
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (26 July 2006):
 Hey there babe,
A promise is a promise and he has broken that. He is abusing your trust. He knows how you feel about this and he is still contacting her! Why does he need to see her behind your back and now for a coffee if nothing has happened between them and he is compeltely in love with you? Sounds to me like he is bullshitting you and that story about how he 'made up' that something had happened between them, then he took that back sounds like something did happen but then he got scared because of how you reacted so he took it back!
God, why would he even want to be in contact with some other girl he used to fancy when he has you?
This is a big deal and he has to realise that. If you aren't happy about it, which you are not and which he knows, then he is stomping all over your feelings and your heart and only thinking about himself and keeping this girl interested in him.
Remind him that he promised you he wouldn't see her and that you are very unhappy with him still being in contact to arrange a coffee and if need be, if he reacts in a negative way, then give him an ultimatium... this isn't how you treat the one you love. xxx
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