A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I do love him but our relationship has took a serious turn for the worse ever since he lost his part-time job about 4 months ago.We starting dating when we met at 18 and as always the first 6 months or so were absolutely fantastic. He was romantic, kind, emotional and really cared about what I had to say. We were both in college full-time but we managed to be together every other day and had random text and phone conversations about everything and anything. Then after a couple of months later, I took a gap year from college to work and he stayed on but we still managed to see each other about 3 times a week, still texting and calling each other. Don't get me wrong, we did have a few silly arguments about silly little things but that's what a relationship is all about. After not being able to find a job in the year that I took off from college, I decided to go back to get a qualification that would let me enter University. In the months following up to the end of my gap year we managed to see each other twice a week but still had our crazy conversations. While I was in college again, he was looking for a job and managed to get a part-time job for 3 hours every weekday night. Unfortunately, my course was full-time and the only day I had off was Fridays - so this became our day to see each other. This is where the problems started. Because of an unpreventable circumstance, I would have to rush home on the Friday which only gave us 4-5 hours with each other. Phone calls became less often, like once a week and our texts were reduced to 'I love you' and 'I love you too' texts like 3 times a day. Obviously I was upset that we couldn't spend more time together but he needed his money and I needed to do my course so we just got on with it (though I did put up hell of a fight now and again). You're probably thinking, 'What about the weekends?', well my part-time job was mostly Saturdays and he would tell me that Saturday was his day to play video games without being interrupted and Sunday was extremely awkward for both of us.Although it was unfair for me to ask, I did ask him to try and find a different job but I'd get the 'do you know how hard it is to find a decent job these days' speech so I gave up asking. Then a couple of months later he lost it and just starting moping around living off job-seekers, playing his video games non-stop. I think I've given enough background to get at what I'm trying to ask advice on. 2 months ago, we were texting each other once a day and were seeing each other 4 hours every other week if I was lucky. Now, however, I don't get any texts and he doesn't even bother to ask or offer for us to see each other and the last time we saw each other was a month ago. He wakes up at 9, maybe 10 in the morning, and then he plays games till 3 the next morning, wakes up and starts the whole thing over again so it upsets me that he can't spend 20 seconds - and it doesnt even take that long - just to text me so I know he can bothered to actually let me know that he's alive. Especially when he has time enough to update his statuses and talk to other people on Facebook. And I know for a fact that this is NOT normal but I've managed and he's managed to convince me that things will get better so I've just gone along with it. When I confronted him about it he told me that he didn't want to speak to anyone or have a conversation with anyone - which is fine because we all get like that - but its like I'm in his face 24/7 and calling him all the time and bothering the living daylights out of him. But I'm not. I don't need him to text me an 'I love you' text because I need to be told that I am loved. It's because it's the only thing now that we have left. I wont text him first because I don't believe I should be the one to REMIND him that he has to make an effort.Everytime we talk about stuff like this, he never lets me get a word in edgewise, and then he'll either make me into the bad guy or tell me that it's for my own good. And lately he's got this wonderful little phrase he uses when I tell him I need to talk to him seriously, 'Just break up with me.' because he refuses to listen to why I'm upset.It boils my blood when he says things like that, but I'm not prepared to throw away all the great times we've had and leave him because he's going through some phase. I know that the sweet, kind and romantic guy I fell in love is still there... somewhere.I'm tired of telling myself that I'm overreacting and that things are going to get better all the time, because I keep letting him get away with everything. I'm desperate and will gladly answer any questions anyone has. Thank you
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female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (7 September 2012):
If you do not want to have sex with him, then don't.
The next time he tells you to just "break up with" him, please do it. He will never realize what he could lose until you are gone.
Finally, you breaking up with him could easily be the kick in the behind he needs to start focusing on finding a job and the important things in life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can understand where you're coming from but unfortunately I know him so well that I know that's not the problem. He's not the type to randomly buy me things and shower me with things he bought, it's just things for holidays. We used to go to the cinema but we never really dined out and even if we did, I hate being spoiled and having things bought for me so I'd normally pay for myself (this isn't a bad reflection on him, it's just I really do hate it). I had words with him the other day telling him how badly he's making me feel and he said he was sorry, but I was sick and tired of hearing that from him when he just goes back and does it again so I told him that he seriously needed to make it up to me. Then he asked me how and told him to do something romantic and unexpected and if he can't think of anything then to just get me flowers. He came over mine the next day and I was expecting things to be a little awkward but apparently the only person who felt awkward was me. He didn't have flowers or anything to say for himself. I feel bad saying it because it's the one thing that he told me he'd never do and the one thing I'd never tell him, but it feels like he's just using me for sex. It might not be, because god knows what phase he's going through, but now our relationship is mostly based on sex and when he was over the day I felt so awkward, like I've never felt before, having sex with him. He hasn't understood what he has done wrong and how he actually is. Pardon me for saying so but ^^^k buddies have more of a relationship than me and him. I'm losing my mind because everytime he gets me upset like this, I end up convincing myself that I'm over-reacting and then I wipe his slate clean and now look at us! He stayed for 2 and a half hours, and that's all I've seen of him for a month. I can't keep wiping the slate because sooner or later our relationship is going to be seeing each other like once a blue moon and I refuse to let it get that far. I've tried talking to his friends to find out what the problem is, and even my friends have tried to reason with him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 When a man does not know his place in the world because of lack of money, he loses motivation and relationship is the last thing on his mind. It doesn't mean he doesn't know you would appreciate his calls. It's just that he can't enjoy his relationship when he is feeling worthless. Video games became his escape, while thinking of you makes him painful that he can't take you out to nice dinners, think of marriage for a long long time. He is basically letting you know that he can't provide what you need, and that you have to wait indefinitely for him to be where he wants to be in life, or else don't bother him. It is up to you to use the great times you had together as faith that one day that "him" would come back, but he can't guarantee it by just saying I love you every day.
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