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female
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*ottolove0329
writes: I have been in a relationship for 4 years and my boyfriend works on the river. He is gone 30 days at at a time and is so controlling of me. I can't go anywhere without asking him first and if he says no no matter how important it is, I can't go. I love him so much, but I don't know what to do. He says like it or leave and he knows I won't leave him. He says his way or the high way. He doesn't trust me and is always accusing me of cheating. He always asks who's at my house, who are you screwing and leave, he says he doesn't want me because he knows I'm cheating. I'm not cheating and i do everything he says even if it hurts me to be controlled so bad. Please help me. I don't know what to say to him or what to do. I can't make him see i love him and i will not cheat. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pica +, writes (7 September 2006):
I don't know why you are using the word 'love'. There's no love there at all. Get up, leave, go your own way. You don't need his permission for anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): It sounds like you are re-playing a scenario from your childhood. Be it you never had a parent who was emotionally supportive of you, you were raised by one parent, or you experienced abandonment and neglect...you are caught up in choosing to fall in love with a man who is not emotionally supportive/present and who does not love you with respect and has no consideration of you as a person-he sees you as less than a person and therefore are less deserving of any love, happiness, and peace.
He is destructive and an ugly person who is so unhealthy in mind that he can honestly believe he can treat you like garbage.
Honey, you are ALLOWED to do what you will, when you will; you are just ALLOWING him to call all the shots. Why?
Did you see Mom being treated this way when you were a child? Who taught you that that is the way a "healthy, adult" relationship is about; abuse and neglect???
It is not about him trusting you; it is about having the power to torment you and see you suffer and to punish you...he gets off on that abuse!!
This isn't love Sweetie. You are CHOOSING to love him in hopes that he will accept you and love you like that someone from your past who didn't do this for you.
Please pick up a book at your local Indigo/Chapters by Beverly Engel titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship~How to Stop Being Abused and How To Stop Abusing" It is a most excellent book that can guide you to a path or recovery and healing and also teach you why you choose and abusive man and how to see the signs and PREVENT repeating the cycle of abuse.
Please stay in touch.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): As you know, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. As with many other people that I have given advice to with a similar 'problem' such as your's, you must first look back on yourself. It seems that you're lacking in self-love which can come from various issues in your past.
You're afraid of going out on your own, worried that no one else will ever love you, and rather stay with someone whom you feel loves you though he abuses you, than to risk not finding anyone else at all. As you well already know, no Agony Aunt of Uncle will suggest you to stay with that bastard turd for a man, but you'll continue to stay with him with what I've mentioned.
You can't do anything to make him see that you love him or that you will not cheat. The problem isn't you. The problem is his own insecurities and his own issues that stems from his own (lack-of) 'growth' throughout life.
For this 'problem' to solve, he will have to solve his maturity and mental stabilities. You are just a stress-reliever for his problems.
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