A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Im really frustrated and angry with my boyfriend. He is unhappy in his job and has no friends. He is taking it out on me because I'm at university and see my friends a lot, I'm working part time and I'm quite happy. We live together but its 50:50, i support myself. He moans when I go out, but its only once a week. When i suggest us going out he doesnt want to know. He acts like I'm the cause of his unhappiness but when I ask him what I can do to change this he has no suggestions. I'm not willing to give up my friends or university because this would make me unhappy too. He says he wants a new job but doesnt look for one! He moans about not having friends but doesnt go out when he gets invited out. He gets very violent and smashes up the house. He has never in 4 years raised a hand to me but he does scare me sometimes.I just really dont know what to do. Its bringing me down and I'm only 19 I need to live my life. He's jealous of my happiness now, but for the past 5 years I've been really ill and chronically depressed and now hes resentful that I'm happy!? I cant stay in this relationship as it is.
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female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Your instints are telling you to get out now. Follow them.
Even though in four years, he has not hit you, do not wait til it happens.
He needs to change how is depressing him, stop feeling sorry for himself, and stop making you feel guilty for being in a more happy situation.
Your boyfriend has a big problem and needs counceling to sort out his anger management. Get out, then if he really wants you back, he needs to sort himself out first. Stand your ground.
It is not healthy to be around something who is violent, the abuse is there is though not physical but it is verbal and do you really want to be in a smashed out house?
You have you life ahead of you, choose the right path now and stick to it.
Good luck Lots of hugs.
A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 If you feel like leaving him, then that is what you should do. He sounds jealous and/or depressed himself. You cannot make him happy, only he can do that. If he is at the point of smashing up the house in anger and blaming you for his unhappiness, then I see there is no alternative other than to leave. Please don't risk your current happiness on a dyfunctional relationship. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more you risk returning to your depression. In order to stay healthy, you need to surround yourself with healthy people, and he is not healthy. I think you already know your answer, now it is time to follow through and leave. You are too young to be compromising and risking your own happiness for a relationship like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Sounds like he is suffering from depression. Has something happened to him to trigger this behaviour? He is as you say unhappy in his job, perhaps this is the trigger. He has lost the motivation to make any effort to form friendships, basically he has to want to help himself before things can change. He needs your support but do not change you lifestyle around him, people who suffer from depression usually pull others into their 'depressive' world because they think this may make them feel better. This has a hugely negative effect. Continue being patient and understanding. In order for him to be happier he needs to make the changes and admit he has problems.
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A
female
reader, tina67 +, writes (8 January 2007):
Well done for writing this.
You obviously love him but know that you wont be happy with him.
You are hoping that he will change but the chances are he probably wont.
He seems to be indirectly taking it out on you.
If I was you i'd speak to him and tell him that he needs to try and make effort with your you. Gping out with your friends gaining more confidence etc.
Your friends probably comfort you but secretly wish you would leave him.If he loves, he must understand that he is hurting you. Perhaps you should suggest conselling and time apart to start living your life because your obviously unhappy being with him. You should be meeting new people andhaving fun.
Hope that it goes well for your girl. good luck:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): You certainly can't stay in a relationship like that. You are only 19 get out now. He shouldn't take it out on you because you have a life and he doesn't. Don't be blamed by him for anything. It is up to him to get him life on the right rack. You have done well to come through chronic depression so don't let him drag you back down that path. Have a talk to him and give him a chance though first. Point out that all of this isn't your fault and he must see that you are young and happy and want to stay that way but you can't if his behaviour stays the way it is. If things don't change then get away and get the life that you so deserve but don't ever feel guilty.
Take care and best wishes.
xx
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