A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I (23) have been with my boyfriend (22) for one year and three months. We are both graduating from college this May.We have been fighting a lot lately--always about the same thing: I don't think I see him enough, and he thinks he sees me plenty. We see each other just about every day, but usually only late, 11pm, after classes and activities, or in the morning before we head to school. On the one night we both have free (Saturdays), he usually chooses to go out with his friends and not invite me.I have been thinking about maybe breaking up with him for awhile because it seems like we are always on a different page. But because I have been so stressed with school, I'm worried that I'm not in the right head-space to end things. So I've been waiting till mid-May, when school is finished, to see how everything plays out.We talked this winter about moving to the city closest to our school (an hour away), and though I didn't think we would move in some place together, I thought we would at least have a conversation about our plans and how we fit into each other's lives, considering the length of our relationship.But just yesterday he told me that he applied for a summer job on campus (in a field that is not in any way related to what he wants to do with his life), and that he is now planning to stay in this town and just get an apartment by himself.It's not that I feel he needed my permission to decide this or anything, but I'm feeling so unbelievably hurt that he didn't even make me a part of his thought-process. And if we live a mile away right now and neither of us has a full-time job--and we still spend hardly ANY quality time together--how can he seriously sit there and tell me that we will see each other more once we graduate and that things will get better?Is this just completely pointless to keep trying? I keep waiting for him to include me in his life, but he just doesn't seem to get it, no matter how many times I tell him what I need. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): He gets that you want to see him more, he's not clueless. He isn't spending quality time with you simply because he doesn't want to. The solution to that isn't to force more time on him or move in together but to pull back and see him less so he stops taking you for granted and stops seeing time spent with you as a chore.
There is no way you should have such a one dimensional life that you can see your boyfriend EVERY day. You can break up with your boyfriend but your problem won't go away because this will happen again and again with every future boyfriend.
Your solution is to get a life. When you have a life and aren't so incredibly available, then and only then will boyfriends stop taking you for granted and negotiating how to get out of spending time with you. You should at most be seeing him maybe 3 times a week and the rest of your time should be filled with your friends and personal interests.
It may be too late in this relationship but start doing your own thing today. Don't accept last minute requests to hang out at night or nag him about more time with you. He'll either step up his interest in you and if he doesn't then he has already fallen out of love.
|
