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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I think it is over. We're both 22 and we have 2 kids but he has refused to change his dreams and goals that he has when he was a single man. He hates doing family things with the kids as HE finds it boring and I literally have to force him to do things like going to the seaside for the day. He hardly cuddles or communicates with the kids he just does practical stuff now and then.He also refuses to finanacally support me and the kids when he finishes his degree next year. he says I have to get a job too. He wants to move to America when he's older and has said that nothing will get in his way.I feel he is selfish and don't know if i can be with a man who is acting like a bachelor when he has a family. Please help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (10 July 2006):
 Hey girl,
It sounds to me like this man needs an incredibly big wake-up call! He is very obviously taking you for granted in every way possible and I offer you my strength & love in order for you to move on and find yourself a better life.
Ask yourself - do you really see him changing when he finishes Uni and starts working? Judging by his behaviour now, I would say he would only get worse once he starts working full-time. He still lives at home, he doesn't want any responsibility and doesn't help you out at all, let alone spend proper time with the kids - all very blatant, yet hard to grasp, warning signs.
Are you close with your family? Do you have a few very close, support friends you can talk to about this? To make a fresh start you need people who love you around you. You will take many falls and feel like you will never come up over the next few months if you choose to make a clean break from a life that will never get better with this man, but you will get through it with courage, determination, support and love.
When you talk to him you need to be a pillar of strength. Try your very hardest to remain calm and un-emotional, because if he sees you breaking down then he will try to turn it around and make you stay with him. If you are strong and confident and say to him that you just can't live like this anymore - be assertive - then he will sit up and listen. If he starts to make hollow promises about changing, take that as a cue to get up and walk out. Make him come to you, once you have said what you want to say, leave and if he wants to talk and is scared shit-less about the fact that you said you are leaving, then if he loves and cares for you that much, he will make sure he does everything in his power to change and show you how he has changed. It is up to you to decide if you want to believe him and give him a second chance.
We here @ Dear Cupid are always here to listen, and you can PM me anytime you just want to get stuff off your chest, or anything at all. I may not give the best advice but I'm a fantastic listener. You are not alone through this okay. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. Deep down I know you are right. He is a student so at the moment he doesn't have any money at all and I have been supporting him and the kids claiming single parent as he lives with his mum 'technically' even though he stays over at mine most of the time and I buy all the food, pay bills etc. He has basically been living off me while at uni. He has recently started a sturday job but so far for the last few weeks i haven't seen any of the money and he hasn't suggested giving me it.
He once told me that he is incabable of emotion. It was a warning sign but I chose to ignore it. I am always the one to suggest going out (i pay of course) Sometimes he has his moments where he is loving and he says i am beautiful etc but i feel its not enough.
I am supposed to be going up north for a week to see my granparents and i suggested that he come to spend a week with the kids. He said no cause HE doesn't like it up there and would be bored. He just seems so selfish to me but how do i make a fresh start with the children?
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female
reader, hannieseds +, writes (10 July 2006):
Hey there,
I am so happy that you are not married to this man! He obviously only really truely cares about himself - has he always been like this? What is he like with you - does he do special things for you, make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world? If he doesn't then that is all the information you need to find yourself someone who will respect you and your kids! He obviously doesn't 'get' the idea of FAMILY and doesn't really want to be any part of a family unit - be very thankful that you discovered this before marriage.
I think you do really need to talk to him. I know how hard that will be but he is acting like a complete jerk and is to immature to give you the level of committment you deserve and require. I think babe, you need to give him an ultimatium - as much as I hate that word and what it means - I think that is all you have left to do in your situation. You are young and beautiful with a whole lifetime ahead of you - DO NOT settle for second best, but I hate to say this, he sounds like you would be settling for 10th best. Tell him what you need from him, what family means to you and that you need the same level of committment that you are giving him. You will find out one way or another what he really wants and you can go from there. It is always the worst feeling in the world to start life again, but relish in the fact that you are young, have 2 gorgeous kids and the world is your oyster. Please keep me posted xxx
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