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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi all i have got myself into a hurtful situation and i really don't know what i can do anymore. I am 21 and single and just over 4 months i became close friends with a married man who is over double my age and he has 2 kids and a profesional line of work. He has also been married for 10 years.I found myself getting close to him and started to see him in a different light, as much as i tried to prevent it happening I couldn't and found myself giving in to temptation. That's when the affair started and now everything is so complicated as i have fallen in love with him and he has said he loves me too.I know i should walk away but i haven't the strength too as I'm scared of losing him. This isn't just a typical affair we have something special. We speak on the phone everyday, sometimes for hours and we live over 4 hrs apart. Surely if i was just abit on the side would he bother? It would be easier for him to get something abit closer to home?We don't see each other often, he drove to see me last week and other times i have gone to see him. At the start of it all i was really confused has he would ring me (even when he was at home) and tell me that he was going to confess all to his wifey and that he was falling for me but the next day he would then say that he could never hurt his wife or kids-it messed my head up.All my friends that know about it have told me to end it and that he has no intentions of being with me but my head is telling me one thing and my heart another-i am torn. I have never asked him to leave his wife so should I? I really can't work him out -he blows hot and cold. He has told a few people aswell when he was drunk so that tells me that he does actually care and doesn't want things to stay that much of a secret. I have told him how i feel but to no avail. I even tried ending it over month ago. I only lasted a few days before ringing him. I really love him and I long to be with him - anyone know what i can do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): I can related to that because i am in the same situation. I really dont know how to break it off. His wife left him febuary of 2006. She dont come around, I am with him everyday. I even spent Xmas & new year with him. He want to talk to me when he was with his wife. He tells me everyday he is not going back.He always say she left me. He want us to get closer together i always tell you are still married.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): i met this guy with a our common friends, we had a relationship knowing that he is a single..after a few months his wife texted me to inform that my so called bf was married..i ended our relationship that but still he keeps on coming back to me, saying that he loves me and their marriage was totally disaster since at the beginning..his wife knows everything whats happening and as i can see their relationship was really disaster not only because im the reason, theres a lot more..we are still together he give up his wife, but the problem is his wife keeps on texting me bad words..she cannot accept the situation even all the people knows whats really happening.
we are to move to and settle down together, but im hust worried what will be my future with him? he is still married with her, and still i cannot call him mine..what am i going to do?please help me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): when I said pity I meant to say I hate when people ask you to have sympathy for a man's wife..what is that? when the man choosed her he loved her and married her. no one couls changed his mind that time. If someone can change his mind that means love is fading away. so why would another woman needs to have merci or remorse for the wife? it turns out to be by pity now. lol. people be real. if he did that to her he will do it to you too. not necessarily because not everybody the same.. and I hate when few people says someone has stold my husband. Is he a toy? he got his own mind and his own desire. He's a man. me myself if another woman is dating my husband i would never blame the other woman . my husband should be responsible. because it was his decision his own desire. he get charmed by another woman period.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): Well, if it was lke that, there won't be no divorce on earth. All married women would have their husbans with them until death.WOW! I don't know where yo guys found this formula that married men don't leave. YES they do everyday. dvorce court been going on everyday about a millon a day. Married man leave their wives and married wives leave their husbands. so Hush live the reality of life. I hate when people say you should feel remorse was he married by pity? so it becomes all about pty now not LOVE anymore?
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A
female
reader, lillie  +, writes (6 February 2007):
go girl just hang on in there . only time will tell what will happen between you both.im married and also invloved with a married man i am in exactly the same situation has you , i love my husband has i been with him 17 yrs married for 6yrs but i am really falling madly in love with this man and im also torn . i couldnt break it off with me and him has i really am falling in love . its ok for these people who havr never been in this position to judge people like us but we dont ask for out feelings to fall in love wioth the wrong person so u just carry on girl and we will get through this together......GOOD LUCK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): Girl I feel your pain because I am involved in this same kind of relationship. I think that I am slowly starting to see. "Love is blind,and it will take over your mind what you think is love is really not." It's hard to let go!!!
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A
female
reader, SwimGirl26380 +, writes (13 July 2006):
 Basically, I think you need to ask yourself one question: "Do I deserve a man who loves/wants to be with me and only me?" Hopefully, your answer is "yes" (if it's "no", than it is more of a self esteem issue that needs to be addressed). If so, than most definitely you should end the affair. You deserve someone who is dedicated to you and couldn't possibly dream of being with anyone else.
Also, consider what you like about this man and try to find those qualities in a single man. He may seem perfect to you, but he isn't perfect for you if he's married and won't leave his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Well.
Perhaps you wanted understanding as to what would motivate your father from betraying your mother and you and so you decided to do what you did. You are not happy.
The attraction to a mature man who would appear strong, successful, and what every young woman longs for is understandable.
But he is not a strong and reliable man; ask his wife and kids. No. Why not?
You should feel remorse. What you are doing is wrong. You know this.
He is not your Dad and he can never replace that hurt in your heart.
This man is a coward. You find this attractive? This man is dishonest? You find this attractive? This man is weak and pathetic? You find this attractive? This man is married and a father, you want this the go out and find a single man and make him yours.
He isn't yours. He doesn't love you. If he did, he would be with you.
Be strong and be smart. Take care of you first as he is not willing to do that for you and he is not willing to be anything to you other than someone to talk to and screw.
Do you honestly think that this is what your Mother wanted for you?
Should you ever have children; would you wish your situation for your daughters?
I am guessing a resounding NO.
He is a false sense of security and stability and you know this now do what is right for you and for those innocent and trusting children of his.
Say bye-bye and move the hell on.
I am rooting for you Girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Hi there i am the woman who wrote in this problem,i just want to say thankyou to everyone that has taking the time to give me some good advice,it has really helped me to hear other people's opinions.When you love someone you are in a bubble and you are blinded from the truth and that is what going on with me but i have eventually woken up and smelt the coffee and realized that me and him will never happen-i am just his bit on the side.I forgot to mention in my letter about guilt,im not a heartless person i do feel guilty about the whole situation and am constantly worried by the fact that i could hurt his wife and children.I don't know how i have got myself into this mess has the same thing has happened to me,my mum and dad were married for 18 yrs and my dad ran off with my best friend and i haven't seen him since so i do know how much it hurts.Thanks again for everyone's advice and opinions i still don't know what to do but deep down now i know i should and probably will end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): iam in the same situation as you please give yhis up
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): I am the married woman having an affair with my brother's best friend. My husband does not give me affection or love/sex. I have been down every avenue to try to sort this. My lover is affectionate, loving and gives me the attention I crave. I do not leave my husband as we have a 6 yera old son and many finnacial commitments together....but this is not to say I do not want to leave him!
I feel for you in your state of uncertainty, but I feel for him torn between too women, one he loves and one he has feelings for and children with.
You are not alone.
x
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A
female
reader, Purdy +, writes (10 July 2006):
I am currently in a simular situation myself, the man I was seeing has a girlfriend, but stays with her becuase they have a young child together (she found out she was pregnant after he had split up with her so they got back together for the sake of the child). I know that this is not what he wants, however, I had to break off my relationship with him as it was upsetting that I could not truely be with him. This was the hardest thing I have had to do, and I am still not sure if I have made the right decision as I feel 100 times worse, although I think that you will never truely know what they want or what is going to happen unless you walk away. This will give him time and space to think things through, and if he does decide he wants to be with you and leave his wife, he would have made this decision on his own and because he has reliased that it is youo he really wnats to be with. If he does not come back to you, then you know that you have done the best thing by walking away. It is very difficult, I know, but carry on as you are leaves everyone in "nowhere land".
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A
female
reader, ThePixie +, writes (10 July 2006):
 All i can say is that yes, you have got yourself in to a very hurtful situation where you and alot of other peole run the risk of being very hurt. To be honest, if he loved you so much and it wasn't like a typical affair in his mind how is it that he hasn't told his wife? Or at least moved out? Do you really believe he will or are you holding on to hope that isn't realistic? This may not be what you want to hear, but for your own sake you should listen to your friends and end it. If he was prepared to leave his wife, that would be different, but don't hold on for a promise he will never keep.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): This can only lead to heartache for all of you, it has already, you are 21 and writng to an agony page.Of course he's infatuated with you, you are probably very nice, but nice women don't go around having affairs with other peoples husbands.He is immoral, a liar and a cheat, does this really make him such a catch. He has commitments to his wife and to his two children. how would they feel if they knew their Dad was hurting their Mum. How would you feel if you found out your Dad was cheating on your Mum, even at 21 it would disturb your life surely.The thing is, this is an obsession and as long as you feed it it will grow. you'll have to give it longer than a few days or even weeks but it will eventually die.The married man you find so iresistable will either go home and mend his marriage or he will find a replacement and you won't be the one his wife finds out about. Women hurt and get angry when they have been betrayed, men often just say they are sorry and beg for another chance. He won't leave her, she is his first concern and always will be.Think about your aching heart and then think about the aching heart of a woman who has loved this man for ten years. You are second best, don't be......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): First of all, he's MARRIED. Which means that he is not free to have a relationship with you, and is cheating on his wife and children. You say you're scared of losing him. Truth is, he's not yours to keep or lose anyway.
Second, he has a good thing going - the attraction and flattery of a much younger woman (you) plus the comforts of home from his wife. It sounds highly unlikely that he WILL leave her. You would do well to proceed on the assumption that it ain't gonna happen.
Real love takes time and commitment, and honesty to grow and become worthwhile. What you have has to be kept a secret from his wife - what do you think would happen if you or he were to tell her about your love affair? Would she appreciate that kind of honesty?
Sorry to be so blunt but you need to see this whole situation in a different light. You know what you need to do. Be strong enough to do it.
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