A
female
age
36-40,
*weetiegirl
writes:Hi guysI need abit of help well my boyfriend does not me My boyfriend (23) I (21) live together with his brother (20) but after talk to wach other, we are decided on getting our own place, but the big problem is we don't know how to tell his brother with out sounds like assholes, he's worried that his brohter will flip out and lose all contact with him. a little back story - my boyfriend call him Adam and his brother call him Mark. Adam and Mark lost their parents when they were only young adam was 12 and mark was 9. very since then they were passed back and forth between two places. Adam feels a great deal of responibility towards his brother ( which i understand fully) and still feels that way today.His brother is the only part of his family he has left and he doesn't want to lose him mind you they are very close to one another We are lost completely on this we don't know what to do please anyone if you have any help at all that would be so great thanks sweetie Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Amethyst  +, writes (13 January 2007):
 Good luck with it! I hope you're new place is suiting!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): Great! Glad it worked out for you, dear. Good luck and all the best.
Irish xx
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female
reader, sweetiegirl +, writes (13 January 2007):
sweetiegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question We got things all strightened away and we found a place, we are moving at the end of january. we are helping his brother find a place too, and so far he thinks he found one. so everyone is happy. thanks to everyone that helped me out with this it has been very stressful. sweetie
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female
reader, sweetiegirl +, writes (11 January 2007):
sweetiegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the great advice (except rythemandblues) my b/f came out and told his brother that we are planning on moving out but if we can't find a place by the end of Jan then we are leaving at the end of Feb, he toldhim that we can't leave in the place we are in anymore and that we wanted our relationship to grow on our own, and to no ones surprise he never said a word to any one he didn't even let on that we said a word to him so i don't know how this is going to happen if he doesn't even response to us. as i said before we would have gotten more out of a wall. but we told him and that's the main thing it might not have come out as well as i wanted it to but the main thing is that it came out.
so again thanks everyone for the great advice it worked in the long run.
sweetie
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female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (11 January 2007):
I just got back to this thread, and read up on it... so I hope my response to the mail you sent wasn't too far off. I think I got the same info in that summary, so it shouldn't be.
Good luck hun, and I wish you the best!
"Mark" is going to have to learn one of these days what it takes to be a man, and he's got to let go of being a boy.
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reader, sweetiegirl +, writes (8 January 2007):
sweetiegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to amethyst and irish for the great advice i will try the things that you suggested and i will get back to you both with the outcome of this
so thanks again to the both of you
sweetie
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Because Adam has shouldered a lot of the responsibility for Mark, over the years, he feels accountable and responsible for him. But..Mark is not a child here! he's a young man...All I have to say, is if Mark was able the burden of making a child and becoming a Father, surely he can live without Adam? You and Adam do have the right to live your life, privately and alone. I admit, Mark does sound a bit 'leechy', but all the more reason to tell him, before 'WWW III' breaks out at your place. The way it's going with Mark's laziness and other antics, resentment will grow to a boiling point. This has to be avoided. I realize, you and Adam are both afraid of the consequences of telling MArk the news, but you both need to be strong. You can't allow that to hinder your own life path.
I feel this might be the perfect opportunity for Mark to mature..to gain some autonomy and independance by going it on his own. Look at it this way. Many of us have moved out to college, to our apartments by the time we are 20 years old. We all ate beans out of a can and struggled to pay the rent, at one point. And--- we all survived. I have always said this is the best life lesson for young people. One learns very quickly to build a strong character, simply by reacting proactively to the the challenges of doing it on their own. But it is an amazing feeling of self-empowerment. This could be a positive thing by being a good learning experience for Mark, he may even take on more responsibilities for his child and help the ex gf, if he isn't doing that. Mark will learn that living on his own will call for are called sacrifices and for him to attaina a maturity that will teach him and enhance his life, now and in his future. You and your Adam want a private life where you can build your own future together. Mark has to be told. If I were you, I'd step out of this and allow Adam to break the news to Mark. This discussion should be done lovingly, calmly and maturely and between brothers. But it has to be done. You two are not doing Mark, any favors allowing him to live off of you both. He needs to find his own way in the world and this is the prime opportunity to see that he does that. Make sure to let him know he's welcome as a visitor (not a boarder) in your new home but remember, he sounds like a young man who may need boundries layed down with him. Never be afraid to be assertive to do that. It will save you some headaches and gain his respect...hopefully. No matter what happens, you and Adam have to start your life together. Mark will come to accept this even if it's hard for him at first. If that happens..give it time-with maturity and understanding, he'll come around. Good luck dear and I really hope you are able to reach out to him in a loving, way.
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reader, sweetiegirl +, writes (7 January 2007):
sweetiegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi sorry I forgot a part in that plea for help
brother aka Mark had a g/f (ex now) that he lived with and she kicked him out for being lazy and not helping out around there, and he's doing the same thing now at this place, he has a baby with this ex g/f, and his grandparents don't want him living with them again for the same reasons, not cleaning or even remotely helping out. We have talked to him before about helping out and it lasted 2 days and then right back to the way things were. we tried again and we might as well talked to a wall nothing changed and we are both really tired of it, he should know better, plus things are really tense right now b/c of all the ungreatful things his brother pull on the both of us. ( i.e we buy food he comes home and eats it, without contirbuting) my b/f is really fed up with the way things are and wants it to change, but so far it isn't.
Put it with way he had lived with four other poeple four different times and all of them either kicked him out or left for the same reasons
So please anyone any help is greatly greatly valued
thanks sweetie
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Can I ask why you think living together is what you should do without getting married? You do not have the committment of marriage and yet you are willing to live with a boyfriend and disrupt his relationship and his lifestlyle that he has chosen with his closest friend and relative, his brother.
I understand that you may be tired of sleeping over there and you want your owon privacy....why don't you just get married if you are ready to take on all of the responsibilities that implies...?
I'll tell you why not....because you are in fact playing house,...you are doing this for the sake of convenience which basically revolves around your ability to have sex without having to worry about whether or not someone else will be bothered by it...am I wrong? Yeah, you love each other, that goes without saying, but why do you think you need to live together?
Did you know that it has been shown that more than 85 percent of all living together arrangements end in divorce within one year of the arrangement and if married within 6 months to one year of marriage? Why is this? It has to do with the self selection process and the maturity level of the participants and the fact that living together brings it's own set of problems to the relationship that is not present in marriage....like the fact that you do not have an actual committment to the union, either partner can leave at any time and has a one foot out the door mentality.....so why do you think you have the right to disrupt his relationship and his life as it now stands because you want to live together without the committment of marriage? You are worried you are going to sound like jerks...I am worried you are going to sound like two people who don't know what they want and are not ready for the responsibilities of a life together as a married couple...
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reader, Amethyst +, writes (7 January 2007):
Well, his brother is a grown man now, and in time he's going to have responsibilites (aka, a girlfriend perhaps?) of his own, so he's going to need a place for the two of them as well. I really don't know the best approach, but I'll give you my best educated guess!
I suggest that you two sit down and talk to him calmly, explain to him while it's been a blast living with him, you two have decided you need to get on with your lives. Also add in it's not an immediate need (even if it is, that wouldn't be right), but that you two are ready to get your lives started and you need a place of your own. Let him know that hopefully one day he'll find the right person to settle down with and he'll understand what it feels like. Tell him to take his time and find a place, and that you two will always be there for him as support as best you can, and that it's nothing personal. Hopefully he'll understand and he won't flip out. Share this suggestion with Adam and see if he thinks it may work. If not, I'll try again?
Good luck, and I know this is definately not an easy task, but just think... if his brother doesn't understand he needs to come to the reality that they've both grown up... and lives go on, people go their seperate ways. It's up to the people to decide whether or not they want to be any part of each other's lives, even if they can't be exactly where they want to be.
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