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writes: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 11 months now. I'm 17 and my boyfriends 18. He has this box in his room with locks on it, whenever i ask to see whats inside of it he says no, cause a gifts in there or something. But today he opened it and there were 3 CDS of porn of him and his ex girlfriend. He knew it was in there, obviously. What should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): well, on the one hand, it is good that he didn't want you to be subjected to watching him and his ex on the big screen..HOWEVER, the fact the he has lied to you about having porn of him and his ex in his posession is clearly wrong. partnerships only work when there is trust. have you thought about why he has this CD of her? maybe he just wants to hold onto it because it gets him off looking at it. i doubt it is because he still has feelings for her, because men look at porn purely for the visual, and don't take much emotional into consideration. if i were you, i would confront him about it, and ask1-why he has lied to you about it2-tell him that it makes you REALLY uncomfortable (understandably so) that he has such an intimate article from his last relationship and that he watches it.3-why he has chosen to keep it.i think that if you sit down and have a conversation with your bf about this, you will gain an understanding from his perspective. if you remember nothing from this advice remember this: do not throw it out without his knowledge and do not force him to throw it out. i forced my boyfriend to throw out articles from one of his last relationships, and even threw out things myslef of his, and that just led him to thinking i was crazy and jealous and i think he lost some trust from me, and doesn't talk about his past anymore. so if you want to keep the lines of communication open, let him make the final say..and if it really bothers you that much after all, dump him..because you deserve respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): If i was you i'd leave him rite now, his being lying to you and hiding this from you, sounds like he has a porn addiction or he may even still find the past g/f attractive or he may even still like her, he should have disposed of these cd's when he left her, i would talk to him about it ask why he has them and who she is? if he turns all defensive and trys to turn the hole sitution around on you then id just dump his ass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): You have found out something about your boyfriend that may or may not be causing you anxiety. You don't really say how you feel about this discovery, in your posting. If I were you, I'd be concerned. Obviously, pornography is firmly rooted in his lifestyle. At first, he chose to hide this part of his life from you. Now, he isn't doing that. Makes you wonder what else he has up his sleeve? Sadly, some people will get SO lost in a world of pornographic fantasy and they can become less inclined to form a 'real' lasting, trustworthy, committed relationship. Could this be why the 'star " of his porno cd's is an EX girfriend, perhaps?? When couples film themselves having sex, there seems to be a false, illusory sense that they are getting closer and bonding together. This aspect is an insidious part of pornography because it dehumanises the other person, the relationship, and any intimacy. If you are looking for a fulfilling, respectable, long term, loving 'real' relationship with this guy...then he likely isn't the one for you. Because it will be just a matter of time and you will be asked to do the same. And should he get pissed off at you or you two have a future nasty split up, he could decide to show the world these images via the interent...what then? How well do you know him, dear? If making sex cd's is not for you, then my suggestion is to tell you to protect yourself, dear and be very wary. He will ask you eventually-bank on it! Even when in a loving sexual relationship, many guys who have use porn see their partner through a kind of pornographic filter. Family and relationship/marriage counseling office waiting rooms are bulging these days with 'addicted' pornography users looking for help for restoring the once solid relationships that was ruined by pornography. Porn is like alcoholism: it clings to a person like a leech. I'd seriously re-evaluate this relationship..in fact, if I were you-I would listen to any gut instincts you have about this guy and just move on. Take care and good luck.
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