A
female
age
30-35,
*idsummer
writes:My boyfriend and I have been having the same recurring issue. When we first moved in I found a letter from his ex, from when they were going out. I got mad at him and told him to throw all the stuff out. Now today, 3 months after I look into his pocket to pull the keys out, and I find 2 pics of his ex. Like what the hell?!?!?! Im starting to think he still misses her or something. He said he didnt know he had it there since it was in a pocket he rarely uses it, but still you would think he would check since he uses that jacket everyday.All this stuff is very weird. I dont want to waste my time with someone who isnt completly for me. What do I do aunts?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 One more relationship issue ? Like, a new one every day ?...
This is a trust issue. The problem is not that he kept 2 pics of his ex , the problem is, that when he says he forgout having them in that pocket... you do not believe him. Why ? Is he someone who normally can't be trusted to tell the truth ?
Anyway, what you should do now , is to sit down, take out a sheet of paper, fold it in half vertically, and on the left column you write down all the cons, i.e. all the issues which have cropped up so far in this relationship. On the right column instead you write down all the positive things that you appreciate in him as a boyfriend- i.e. in terms of your relationship, not in general. That's important ; a man can be more intelligent than a Nobel Prize, or the most talented artist ever, or be objectively admirable for any reason... and still be a lousy horrible boyfriend.
If you find at least three positive for every two negatives , ( at least . An one-to-one ratio does not warrant an effort ) you focus on the main issue of your relationship, and start working on that. Is it sex ? Finances ?- Start with the big one, try sorting that out, and see how it goes. Prioritize . Pick your battles wisely.
If it turns out that the cons outnumber the pros- you call it a day. You stop being stubborn, you stop throwing good money after bad , in terms of emotional investment, and accept that you have made a mistake, and that not all mistakes come with an easy fix.. You don't keep flogging a dead horse just because " when you met the right one, you just know it ":
The heck you know. Divorce Courts are full of people that " just knew ". And certainly, you cannot " know " anything for sure when you go to live together after spending together a total of 6 or 8 weekends.
Another sensible thing to do, while you reflect about your pros and cons, is to focus less on the relationship, as troubled as it is, and more on you, your job, your future, your personal issues.
How is it going with managing anxiety ? And with your social skills ? Did you find a place where to have a stress free lunch ? Is your budget still stretched to the max ?...
Put yourself at the forefront of your life, Bf may be on his way out anytime , and may very possibly not be part of your future, - but you will be in your future forever, so , first thing first : sort out your own stuff first.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 Please don't give your new bf such a hard time, otherwise you may be calling him your "ex" boyfriend.
You have no right, to ask somebody you've not been with too long, to throw literally "everything" from his past relationships away.
That could almost amount, to throwing his entire past, into the garbage bin.
Unbenknownst to you, what if he doesn't want, nor feel like throwing his exs photo out?
You don't "own" him, nor he "own" you.
As one previous reader said, would you throw every single gift, photo, momento, card, keepsake, etc; from your previous relationships, into the rubbish bin?
(Hypothetically speaking, if your current bf asked you to, or even demanded you do it.)
Your bf told you, that he didn't even know that his exs image was inside his pocket, so you must trust his words and give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if you expect your relationship to last the long haul.
This is where "trust" begins to be fully established, bec without all important "trust", you both have nothing, seriously, nothing!
Your bf will eventually "tire" of you not placing trust in him and in your relationship.
I personally think that your bf speaks the truth, because no man who is with a new woman that he is interested in, would "intentionally" leave an image of his "ex" within his pocket. Certainly not for his current partner to see.
I have read previous readers responses, regarding your other issues, regarding your rent & utility issues and i hope that you will discuss these concerns/issues with your bf, if you both plan on remaining and living together long term.
If you are both adult enough to be together, to be living together, then you should be discussing and sorting out all your bills together.
Thia is where you both learn to grow up, be responsible, be autonomous and be independant. Very important part of any adult union.
These acts stipulate, that you can both stand on your own two feet and take care of yourselves.
I think that the above mentioned, is what's really important, not finding one image of an ex gf, inside a jacket pocket.
One thing that is true, if your bf wanted to be with his "ex", he'd be with her and not with you, so the fact that he's with you, should speak volumes.
Try not to worry and read into everything. You're only upsetting yourself.
You need to get your "priorities" into order.
I wish you and your bf all the best! :-)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 Hi Midsummer, I hope that job situation with your new boss was all sorted out? And you have managed to find a place to eat lunch? And paying for the rent and utilities has all been sorted out with your boyfriend?
Anyway, yes, you have had several worries about the boyfriend, which whom you moved in too soon, too fast. You didn’t really know him, though you did say in one of your posts something like, “you know then the person is the right one.”
Obviously the honeymoon period is over, the trust issues are now on the front burner.
I guess I wonder how you two communicate. Have you sorted out the rent/utility payment situation in a mutually satisfactory manner? Can you tell him the full truth now? You hid things from him because he couldn’t handle it, I remember you saying. Now it seems you think he’s hiding things from you and you can’t handle it.
As you rarely provide any type of followup, I doubt we’ll have that mystery solved.
I guess the thing to do is to ask yourself what a mature person in an adult relationship would do, and then do that.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (7 April 2016):
How long have you been together? I encountered the same issue with my then bf, now husband. It is unfair to expect him to throw out every memento of his past with her, especially if he hasn't dated you long. What if it doesn't work out with you? Then he may have lost many photos of any trips he has taken, or gifts, etc. Would you want him to destroy items of your time together when he gets a new gf? Have you destroyed every item of your past relationships?
What I do think is fair is taking all those items, putting them in a box (like an ex relationships box) and stuffing that box far back into a closet. Out of sight, hopefully out of mind. My bf also had a picture in his jacket pocket. To be fair, it was a jacket he almost never wore. So it was probably placed there when he was in the relationship, then forgotten about. That very likely is the same case for your bf. Unless he gives you other signs that he is pining after her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2016):
 Stop trying to control him?
I have a box of photos, letter and other mementos from my exes. And I have been with my husband for 20 years. There is no way I'd have someone DICTATE me that I have to throw it out. Seriously.
I think you are nit picking this relationship because you know you made a huge mistake in pushing him into moving out of his parents house and in with you after SUCH a short time of knowing each other.
We can't tell you what to do. YOU need to figure out WHY and WHAT you need to do.
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