A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting really down in the dumps about my boyfriend messaging his ex behind my back all the time. They split up 10 years ago but he speaks to her more than any of his other friends. He knows I find it uncomfortable and its starting to hurt me. He says they never argued which if course is a dig at me. He showed me pictures of her new boyfriend she left him for. He bought her something while we've been together. He wears her things and bought me presents shes made. Besides this his stays out all weekend I have no idea where he is or what hes doing. He makes me feel like im going mad but then gets jealous if silly things like men liking my picture on facebook. Is it normal for a man to be talking to his ex after being split up that long? i really dont like it. Am I out of order
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): in a way i was hoping that I'd get all theses answers saying I'm being insecure and jealous and alot of men do it but I can see that it's really not a good relationship. I split up with him after talking about this he told me I cant dictate who he can or can not talk to and but its like saying he cant dictate to me that I shouldn't punch him in the face or something like that. There are just things you do and things you don't to spare someoes feelings x
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I have to agree that if he calls her a prostitute and talks smack about her, it makes no sense to stay friends or even friendly. So there has to be more to it then there is.
Do you two live together? If you live together I can understand wanting to have a clue of what he does over the week-end because of planning meals, get-to-gethers and whatnot.
Maybe he isn't really ready for a relationship if he is still living in the past, but that is up to you what you will and will not accept.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Sorry to say but he is being very cruel and controlling. You must believe you deserve a whole lot better than the crumbs he is dishing out. I would walk away from this for your own sanity and well being, he sounds very immature and very selfish. Be strong and try to move on from him. An ex is an ex for a reason and he should not be in contact with her and should respect you in that regard. If I were you I would wAlk away and find someone worthy to be with you as he is not! Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): Hello OP, my answer is going to be long but I really hope you read it all because I think it will help you realize and understand what's going on.I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your position with several men. It's one thing to be on good terms with an ex, but it's a whole different story to be talking with them all of the time. An occasional "Hi, what's up, how have you been?" is okay to be talking with an ex, but if they're talking on a daily basis all of the time, then in my personal opinion, that's not okay. Why are they talking so much? What is there for them to talk about? There's a good possibility he still likes her more than a friend and has feelings for her. People like your boyfriend keep ex's in their life for a reason.This guy is clearly playing head games with you and manipulating you, no doubt about it.I don't know if you trust him or not, but if you don't, you're not to blame. He is making you not trust him because of his actions.I need you to understand a lot of people like to have their cake and eat it too. Somebody posted "But IF they are just friends why is that such a big problem? She is with HER BF and HE is with you. IF he wanted to BE with her and visa versa wouldn't they have gotten back together already?" In your situation OP, this doesn't apply to you, so please toss this thought out of your head because in your situation, this isn't the case here.Again people like to have their cake and eat it too. Yes he is with you, yes she has her own boyfriend, but to some people, that doesn't mean anything. A lot of people out there are unfaithful, which you already know that I'm sure.He talks to her all of the time, he has bought her things, he wears her things, he's out all weekend and doesn't tell you about it. Really? He is not a good boyfriend and he is playing you based on all of these things. He is immature and doesn't know what he wants in life. And if you let this continue, he is going to cheat on you. That is, if he hasn't already. Two people in a serious healthy relationship should not be talking to their ex all of the time, because there is no need to be. They should not be buying their ex gifts, they should not be out all weekend and not tell their girlfriend what's going on. This isn't some woman he just recently split up with a few months ago, it's been 10 years. He is not over her, and he will always hang on to her and have her in his life. He cares about her a lot, and she is first in his life. Any other girl that he dates will be second best to him.Believe me this situation is going to get worse and worse until it starts driving you crazy. You may care about this guy a lot, but it's best if you get out now. The sooner the better. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.Sorry for the long post, but I really hope it helped. I've been through hell and back with men and this situation that you're in right now is something I'm very familiar with. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Hi
The fact he vanishes for the weekend is enough to end a relationship with him.
I don't think his ex is a threat but you have every right to be upset by his actions though, he's treating you like an idiot.
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A
female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I completely feel where you are coming from. I dont have the same issue with the ex, but the other behavior sounds very familiar to me. Always turning things back on you, making you feel guilty for questioning him and his whereabouts, yeah I went through that recently. Turns out he was cheating and his conscience couldnt handle it all, so he was taking it out on me, telling me it was me and I was just being paranoid and denied it til he couldnt hold it anymore. follow your intuition. You have it for a reason. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): I have to mention that yes she did dump him and I have seeious concerns that he does want to be with her. She sees their friendship as justvthat but I dont think he does. I wouldnt say its controlling wanting to know where your boyfriend is all weekend. He doean't come home I have no idea where he stays. He has called this woman a prostitute and all kinds of nasty things. she cheated on him then came crawling back for money then left again. I suppose I wonder why he would even.want to be friends with a woman like that. I realise that I shpuldnt be with him. Its all well and good to be friends with an ex but he's always messaging her and always bringing her up after this long. Its unhealthy
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2013):
Some people are able to maintain a friendship after the relationship is over, some are not. To be honest, from most of your post is does sound like he isn't over her by a long shot, not even 10 years later. Maybe because SHE ditched him?
But IF they are just friends why is that such a big problem? She is with HER BF and HE is with you. IF he wanted to BE with her and visa versa wouldn't they have gotten back together already?
As for him going out on week-end, do you feel you should know 100% of the time where he is and who he is with? That seems a tad controlling if you ask me. Do the two of you go out TOGETHER too?
You don't trust him, and with him being upset when dudes "like" your picture on Facebook it looks like he doesn't trust you either, so what is your relationship based on?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (10 June 2013):
 You are not out of order at all. Any woman would feel the same.
All of the behaviour you've described is awful. Don't put up with it for a moment longer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): Don't you realize this guys is playing you along?
He disappears on weekends and purposely uses his ex-girlfriend as a way to make you jealous and insecure.
Why are you putting up with this?
He is playing psychological games with you. That keeps you off balance and allows him to keep control over.
He is placing the fear in the back of your mind that he may go to her if you don't behave. So he does whatever he wants, and if you say anything; he threatens to favor her over you.
He is able to manipulate you by playing on your insecurity regarding his close relationship to his ex. You constantly compete for his affections, and you're always trying to stay on his good side.
You can stay in that relationship and let him drive you crazy, or you can get out of it and save your sanity.
From what you indicate in your post, you're in a no-win situation.
The guy is playing head-games with you, and you're desperately holding on to someone being cruel to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 June 2013):
 FORGET the "ex-".... Just about ALL of his behaviour is unacceptable for a mature/adult man who is "supposed to be" in a "warm, loving relationship" with a woman (you!)...
I suggest you forget him and hope that you find a REAL boyfriend, some time....
Good luck...
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