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anonymous
writes: Can Bev or someone help me with this?I am a strong-minded woman, I am intelligent and I stand up for what I believe in. I suffer from a mental health problem (but not psychosis) which I am trying to overcome but it has knocked my confidence, that and previous bad experiences, with men, to be honest.My partner can be a lovely guy, warm, caring, affectionate and considerate. However, if things ever go wrong, he always blames me. Often it is both of our faults, not just mine yet it is all my fault. I try to talk to him, get emotional and then he gets stressed/angry. He will ignore me which I hate very much. He can be aggressive which I resent even more but he will even justify this and say it is my fault.I feel he has his own issues which he refuses to deal with or accept that he has, like anger and stress, yet he expects me to deal with my own problems and face them (which I do try to do).It seems we play life by his rules. If I want to make love and he doesn't, we won't but we will if he wants to. I am trying to increase my independence so I'm not taken for granted. He says I trigger him off to be like that. What else can I do?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (9 June 2005):
 Hi hon,The best thing about your letter is that you're complaining about him! You recognise that this isn't the right way to behave in a relationship and even if you're unsure of what to do because of your history of bad relationships, there's still a kernal in your soul that's crying out, "Not fair!"I like that. It suggests that you know you're worth something, and you want other people recognise it.It's a bit obvious of me to tell you that your b/f has "issues". He's passive-aggressive, which you've seen when he gives you the I'm-ignoring-you treatment. He's insecure, which is why he can't accept any blame for anything (because in his mind, being wrong is a weakness). He wants to control everything, all the time ("we play life by his rules").In other words, he's trying to hoard all the power in the relationship. His blaming you for the problems, and pretending you don't exist, and getting angry when you try to reason with him are all symptoms of his insecurity and fear. You could almost feel sorry for the guy if he wasn't someone you had to deal with daily.Unfortunately, people like this don't want to admit that they have problems (being wrong equals weakness, remember?), so they don't always accept help. And it takes a very patient person with a confident personality to counter their skewed logic. I'm afraid that, if you're already working on your own mental health problem, you might not be strong enough to manage this.You do need to take a stand, though. Relationships are built on compromise, so if you want to stay with him (I wouldn't, but it's your choice), you need to decide how much control you're willing to let him have. For example, maybe you don't care if he decides when you'll have sex. Whatever it is only matters to you. But once you've made your choices, stand your ground. Don't descend to his level of childish mind-games, like the silent treatment, because that only validates them. If he tries to insist that you can't do something he disagrees with, you have to be strong about it, patient and confident, and say "No. I've made this decision for myself. This doesn't affect you. I'm an adult and I'll do what I want."He'll be shocked and he'll be threatened. Be sure of that. You haven't given me enough detail to guess whether he might try to force you into behaving his way with violence, but some men will, so consider that he might and be prepared. If you feel that he might be in the least inclined to hit you or shove you around, I wouldn't waste a single second longer. If that's the kind of man he is, leave now.But. If he's generally a nice guy who just can't stand the fact that he's a fallible human being, give him a bit of space, reassure him that you love him even if he's wrong now and then, then make your stand gently but firmly. Remember though: you don't "trigger him off". Never let someone blame YOU for THEIR behaviour! He's a sentient being, too, not a jack-in-the-box. He has a choice how he responds to you, and you can't "force him" to yell at you any more than you can "force him" to pee on the flowerbed. In the end it's his choice what he does, OK? Don't let him screw with your mind.Be strong, dear!
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reader, Crazy_About_B +, writes (7 June 2005):
I know this might not be the best advice but this all I can think of the way he treats you is wrong and you do not need to take it.Tell him striaght be like"Look I'm tired of you blaming me for everything that happens sometimes we both make the mistakes."and if he gets mad and starts to ignore you do the same thing to him if wants to make love one night don't do it.Treat him the same way he treats you and see how he likes it but if it gets out of hand you two need to sit down and talk about it.Like I always say"Treat others the way you would like to be treated."
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