A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for three years. He is Iranian, Last year his brother came to England. He stayed with us for about a year - my boyfriend had told me his brother was very good. I discovered this was a lie. He takes heroin and has also caused many problems in the past for my boyfriend and his family Anyway, last October they argued. The result was I (and my BF) got arrested, handcuffed, taken to a police staion and was held for 1 and a half days on suspicion of robbery and wounding - he had cut his own body to back this lie up. Not only did he go to the police with this fabrication. He told my BF some very bad lies (making out I had been sexually involved with him, and other people!). TIme has passed since then. I even pass plesantries with the brother - because somehow my BF has FORGIVEN him. I said I would forget. I have tried. He SAID his brother would never come into the flat we both share. BUT now, slowly he is trying to bring him in again. LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, What is really pissing me off is TODAY, HE says - do you mind if HE comes in for 20 mins to make a phone call to Iran. He promised I would never have to be in the same room as his brother. Now this. I feel betrayed and lied to. Am I being over-emotional. The main question I would like to know is should I even trust my BF let alone MARRY HIM?Many Thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Your brother loves his family. This is good. It does not matter if he's brother is a liar, a drug addict or a thief. It is his brother, blood and seed of the love of his mother and father. For an Iranian, I would expect family ties to be important. He will stand beside his family no matter what. This is good, it means he knows honor and loyalty and would treat you the same if you find yourself in a similar difficult position.
I can understand your concern, he's brother seems like a really nasty character, but if you turn this into a competition between you and his brother, I'm frightened you will loose. Ultimatiums like this "It's me or your brother" seldom work. He has known his brother longer, he knows his brother better. If he didn't look after his brother then he would let down his family honor and would worry and cry in secret.
If you hate his brother so much, then you must leave this relationship, because even if he cuts contact with his family he will still miss them and worry and become unhappy. Your relationship will be damaged and he may come to resent you as an intrusion into his family life.
Set conditions on what you can accept, allow him room to still be able to help and support his brother. Talk to his brother (in front of you partner) and tell him how much his behaviour is damaging your relationship. Try to keep this particular "enemy" close, be his best friend and your boyfriend will be proud and honor your generosity.
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 May 2008):
 I agree you have to decide what you expect from this relationship. Some cultures are very different and some put family ahead of wives etc so if you are not happy now you have some serious soul searchig to do. If there is any doubt you should wait until you can sort these things out before marriage. However I must add that marriage will not change him or make him suddenly do what you want him to do and start putting you first. If this is happening now I fear it will only get worse with time x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): I don't mean to be harsh - however, it seems obvious to me that he has and continues to put his brother's needs and wants before yours. Do you wish to continue like this? You have already told him how you feel and he continues to dismiss your wishes.....
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