A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a Friend who was one of my best friends. In fact he was more like the little brother I never had.About a month or so ago, he got back with his ex, who had cheated on him in the past. He said at the time, he felt like he was making a huge mistake, but he loved and missed her and she felt the same. I said as long as he was happy, I was happy.Anyway, she recently kicked off at him about us being friends and he explained to her we are only mates and we have a brother/sister relationship. Bearing in mind He's 19, I'm 24 and I am actually engaged to my partner of 6 years and I love him.There has never been anything more than that between us and never will be, we were just very close. Anyway she was fine with it after he'd explained.She then kicked off about a week ago again, and sent me a message on facebook pretending to be him, saying don't ever speak to me again.When I questioned him about it, he said he was sorry, but he couldn't speak to me ever again as he needed to save his relationship. I was absolutely devastated.I then got a message off his girlfriend, saying she didn't appreciate our relationship as we "flirt" too much. Her interpretation of flirting is a few messages from me saying "hiya sweetheart are you having a good day?" or "have a good day babe"We've always spoke to eac hother like that by the way.She went on to explain that she dosen't like the manner in which we speak in and feels it's not acceptable for us to speak that way. I said to her she is obviously insecure because I have a partner of 6 years and I love him. There is absolutely no reason for her to think otherwise.Anyway my friend said they had argued about it and now as a result he's cut all contact with me. She's told me never to speak to him again and she says that he says the same. She said she feels better now nobody is going to call "HER boyfriend" sweetheart.I think it's absolutely ridicilous and I haven't stopped crying for days. Not only have I lost one of my best friends, I've also lost someone who was like my brother.I'm so angry, hurt and upset because I know she's made him choose between us, and while I wouldn't have wanted him to choose her over me, I wish he would have valued me as a friend and told her straight that she is being ridicilous. It shouldn't have even come to this, there's never been anything more between us. I'm absolutely heartbroke, but I've respected what he's said and not contacted him, but I did message him saying that I'll always be here.His girlfriend is obviously very jealous and insecure.I just don't know how to deal with this. I know I can't do anything but she is controlling him and it breaks my heart.When I apologised to her during our conversation for her being upset, she said fair enough, I know there's nothing going on between you. So why was there still an issue here?
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best friend, engaged, facebook, flirt, his ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Sorry but I have to agree with the others on here. In fact I did something very similar to my now husband years ago when he had a female friend who acted similar to you. The problem isn't that she's insecure or that he should have stood up for you. The problem is that you crossed a line and you pissed off the girlfriend. Having a platonic friend of the opposite sex is fine, most girlfriends will understand and accept that. BUT when your friend is in a relationship you've got to toe the line or risk being banned. Pet names are not okay - that's for people in relationships. Hopefully you'll learn your lesson and be a bit more tactful next time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Not sure what you want to hear, you have posted here with this exact question many times now.
It seems like you are looking for someone to tell you "what you were doing is fine, you are right and she is so wrong for him" or something like that - which is unlikely. You must realise what people's view on this is by now and you need to accept that maybe you were in the wrong. I certainly would NEVER speak like that to my "brother". Sick, really.
Asking this question over and over in hopes of getting someone to agree with you is not going to bring your friend back.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (29 August 2012):
 If someone was texting my girlfriend calling her babe and sweetheart, i wouldn't be very happy, i can tell you! Men and women have to keep a respectful distance if the other person has a partner.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 She needs you to keep off of him because you are a good/bad influence on him. Good I mean you know what's right or wrong, bad meaning you will tell him how horrible she is as a girlfriend. You are everything that she lacks as a good partner. That's why it's painful for her to see you two being friends. It's not really so much about flirting and insecurity. She cheated and she snooped and is controlling. She is very good at manipulating him and keeping him compliant. He is indeed a little brother who needs protection. They will break up again, you just have to wait for that time for him to come to his senses when he's had enough of her. I think you dealt with it with dignity. Your "little brother" will learn his lesson and come out of this a more mature and sensible person, and will learn to appreciate your friendship more, if you let him and forgive him.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (29 August 2012):
Hello again, anonymous.
Your question has been previously addressed here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-lost-my-bestfriend-to-his-girlfriend.html
and here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-best-friends-girlfriend-didnt-like-our-friendship.html
I know that this is not what you want to hear, but you shouldn't have called him sweetheart or babe. You gave his girlfriend the wrong idea about the nature of your platonic relationship with your friend. You have been upset about this for over a month. It is time to dry your eyes, and accept that as ling as she is in the picture, he cannot contact you. It would be best if you tried to move forward without his friendship.
If she breaks up with him and he contacts you in the future, you should remember how he treated you while he was with her.
I hope things get better for you soon.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Babe and sweetheart.. Yes, thats definitely flirting. I would be bothered by it as well. It's not about insecurity for me, it's about respect. If a guy's with me and talking like that to another woman, then that's disrespectful to our relationship. Doesn't matter if you "always" talk like that. If you "always" kiss on the mouth or walk naked in front of each other it wouldn't be okay still.
Whether she is a good girlfriend for him or not... who are we to judge. He obviously thinks so. But what baffles me is that you and him decided to rather cut all contact, than just adjust the manner in which you speak to each other.
Be mad at your friend, not her. He's the one who chose her over you, he's the one who didn't just adjust his friendship with you in order to make everybody happy. He's the one who ditched you. Not her. She can't "make" him do anything. She wanted him to cut contact with you, and HE chose to do as she pleased. He chose it. His decision.
The issue is that you and him didn't respect her or his relationship with her. She knows you wouldn't have sex or kiss, but the line is drawn higher up for most people. I would draw the line at "sweet talking" too. Cutesy pet names are for couples, not friends. I'm real close with my brother, but I have never called him "babe". A sister doesn't call her brother babe or sweetheart...
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