A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my best friends just told me she is pregnant. She is 28 years old. In any other case I think I would have been happy for her, but I have been dreading this for years. She's in a relationship with a controlling man who has been nagging on her to get pregnant for years now, and she's told me over and over how she wanted to get away from him, how she could never have a child with him, how miserable he makes her. For two whole years she was only complaining about him to me, but she was stuck with him. They were living together, and he'd cut her off all her friends, not allowing her to go out and have fun on her own. She would always have to be by his side, not talking to anyone else, only meeting HIS friends and people he deemed "appropriate". In this two year period where she was planning to get away from him we were sneaking around when meeting out for drinks, I had to lie to him about where we were going if he knew she was going with me. Or else he'd give her shit about it for months, or so she said. I have no reason to doubt her. Before she got with him she was full of life and laughter. After she got with him she disappeared completely, I didn't really get to meet her for about two years, and then came that two year period where she opened up about wanting to get out. They lived together, she had no money because she was paying HIS bills, because he was spending money on status symbols like a fancy car, a big TV etc. She was just a status symbol to him, something pretty on his arm. When she wanted to get an education he didn't want her to, but when she insisted he decided he'd get an education to. I suspect just to keep an eye on her. They finally broke up a year ago when my friend got ill and needed surgery. She didn't have any more patience with him, and I had arranged an apartment for her. I sold my car to her way below market price so she could get to work, because she had found herself a job, but it was far away.Then she gets back with him. Without telling me. She just suddenly became quiet, didn't speak much, couldn't see me often any more. I understood what was going on, and when I asked her about it she just didn't want to talk about it. They got back together about 6 months ago, or less, and she moved right in with him again. And now she's pregnant. They had been back together for about 4 months when she got pregnant, if Im doing my math right. I know, this is such a rant, but I don't know what to do. He's not good for her at all, but I can't make her see that. He's telling her lies about how old she is, how she should have children now "before its too late", and she was repeating these same lines to me. I'm her age! And Im single! I know this is all crap, and frankly it is insulting that she's telling me these things, but I know it's from him and not her. He has convinced her that she can't find anyone else, and she is too old to make a fresh start with anyone, and that she needs to be pregnant now or else it's "too late". I faked being happy for her when she told me. But she wasn't even smiling when she told me. She didn't say she was happy, or that they were in love, or anything. She just said "well, Im not getting any younger", and that she was in her prime age for having children. I told her the prime age is 25-35, and she told me that's not true... Even when I told her I knew this from my aunt who is a midwife, and I've had lunch with her colleagues and they all agreed to this. But my friend is so brainwashed by her boyfriend she now thinks of herself as old, and that if she doesn't settle down with him she'll never find another man. I don't know why Im writing here, really. I guess to put it down into words. Im angry with her for being so stupid, for wasting her life away. Im angry with him for controlling her, putting her in a cage. He never wanted her to get her education, to have a good job, all he wants is for her to be dependent on him. Should I continue faking being happy for her? Being honest would surely not do anyone any good, but Im a bad liar. Does anyone understand how I feel? It's like watching a train about to run off the tracks and crash, and not being able to do anything about it. All the light is gone from her, she barely speaks a word these days. I don't think she's happy, I think she feels trapped, but tries to justify it by saying she's too old and soon it will be too late to have children (despite me being the same age AND single, and NOT under the illusion that this is true).I want to get her away from him, but don't know if that's possible.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Stop wasting your time and energy im sorry to say as it wont work. I have been in your best friends postion myself and my friends grew sick and tired of telling me, I had to learn the hard way and find out for myself. Your friend probably does want to leave as I did but something stops her at the moment. If you want to be there for her then dont lecture her, dont get angry with her as she will want to back away from uou if you are like that with her. Also if her boyfriend picks up on that he will want to keep her away from you more. If she is in a controlling relationship the last thing she needs is you also controlling her by going on at her and she should do this and that. Now if you cant handle all this and it makes you angry then you would be better of keeping a distance. Otherwise just be there for her and support her decisions whatever they may be wrong or right. Dont judge her, as you have not been in her position. I know you just want her to see sense but this time shes going to have to work it out for herself. By all means you can offer advice but dont tell her and be seen as controlling.
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