A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my best freind has started going out with my little sister (20) and im realy jelouse about it.some back story, me and my best freind we'll call him Tim, we're both 27 and have been mates for about 26 years. anyway about six months back my litle sister we'll call her Jasmine admitted to me she had a crush on 'Tim' I gave her my blessing to ask him out, it took a little convicing of my mum/dad as they dont 100% agree with mixed dating (we'er indian Tim's white)but Tim soon won them around, anyway things where going ok untill about 2 months ago when I walked in on them kissing (first time iv seen them kiss), I said sorry and went back to my own room but as soon as I got there I burst into tears,then it hit me that I was in love with Tim and had been for a long time, I guess seeing them kiss brought it all out of me as I guess I had convinced my self it was'nt real untill that moment, my question is what do I do? DO I tell Tim how I feel? we still spent lots of time togeather as he promiced dating my sister would not get in the way of our friendship, seeing them togeather is killing me. what can/ should I do? Please help.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 July 2018):
 Why would you tell him?
That would be incredibly selfish. YOU gave your sister the green light, you can’t then decide to sabotage her relationship because you don’t like it. You have been friends with Tim for 26 years. Don’t you think that if he felt the same way you would have been in a relationship right now? He doesn’t see you romantically and that’s all there is to it.
If you’re finding it hard to deal with then you need to back off. The friendship has run its course. You can’t be friends with someone that you feel romantically interested in as you will always want more and the feelings aren’t reciprocated which is a disaster waiting to happen.
Leave your sister and Tim to it. He could be making her really happy and to come between that would be incredibly selfish. I’m actually in a very similar situation as I’m dating one of my best friends sister. It happened in a very random fashion but he’s completely okay with it because he said at least I know she’s dating a good guy. The same thing applies here, let them be. If things fizzle out then so be it, but you’re off limits for him, you’ve been in the friend zone for a long time, so whether Tim was with your sister or not, I really don’t think you have a chance anyways, it’s sad but it’s true.
Put on a brave face and deal with it for your sisters sake. Take a step back and make new friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2018): Post script:
Correction! We were friends for 11 years, not 14! I was still with my now-deceased domestic-partner back that far!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2018): To Tim you're like a sister. You've known him since you were both only toddlers! He grew-up as a friend, almost a brother; and apparently he has never developed romantic-attraction to you. Look how long it took before you made this untimely-discovery!
I don't really think you're in-love. Jealousy arises from the fact that it's your sister. He's sharing something with her that he never shared with you; and you feel a little territorial, because you've always been close. This sudden realization you're in-love with him is suspect; if not altogether inconvenient.
The problem is, there is a budding-romance already in-progress with your younger-sister; and he doesn't feel that way for you. So now what? Are you going to be a wedge, or try to obstruct and derail their romance? Are you going to pull the "resentful-sister" routine? Pout and take this all out on your little sister?
You obviously relied too heavily on this friendship to the point of emotional-dependency. You haven't ventured out for romantic-connection with other men, restricting all your feelings to one guy. Here you are still single, no boyfriend, and no other prospects. You were avoiding possible rejection from other men; and making Tim your everything-guy.
Far too often people try to turn their platonic-relationships into romances. It's lazy, too convenient, and it's fishing in a barrel. Rather than going through the challenges of meeting new people, finding someone single, available, and unattached; they go for what's close and familiar. Avoiding the unknown probabilities associated with dating; and the risk of making their feelings vulnerable to some outsider. Who might reject them, or hurt them somehow. While making their friendship totally awkward, and twisting it into a disastrous infatuation. Which becomes frustrating and complicated.
He is attracted to your sister in a romantic-way. Over so many years, he had every opportunity to go for it; if he felt that way about you. Even if he ever did; I would venture to speculate that he got over it. Although I've always found it creepy, when people date the siblings of their best-friends. It just rubs me the wrong way! I'm not keen on feeling anything but friendship for my friends.
I have a wonderful long-time friend that started-out as a date. We never had sex, and I never felt physically-attracted to him. He's very handsome, and sweet. He persisted in staying in-touch; and we've been good friends for the past 14 years. We've never crossed that line. He's the best of the best! Now married to an adorable guy!
You'll have to stifle your feelings and keep them to yourself. Your feelings may only be possessive-jealousy borne out of sibling-rivalry; rather than true romantic-attraction for your friend. Like a doll you no longer play with; but daring your sister to touch it!
Leave it alone, and keep things just as they are. Time you get out there and start dating.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 I am assuming that if you have knowing him all your life then your sister has knowing him as well. Your sister done the mature thing talking to you about it and you gave her your blessing so I think now you need to put your own feelings to one side. I can understand why it would take you back when you saw them kissing, you are fairly close to him and he is your best friend, so it is normal there is going to be some jealousy issues. However if you feel you are in love with him then why not tell him sooner? Are you sure you are not just afraid that your sister is taking your best friend? Are you attracted to him? Can you see yourself being in a relationship with him?
Honestly my advice is do nothing, he is dating your sister and if you declare your feelings to him you are putting him in an awkward position, you are betraying and hurting your sister and you are going to upset your parents. In this case the best thing to do is keep your feelings to yourself. Yes it is hard but you need to accept that he only sees you as a friend. If he shared the same feelings as you he would never have started to date your sister. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to start hanging out with other friends and meeting new people. You need to distract yourself and create some distance between you both until your feelings go away. Why not chat to other guys and get to know them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 OP, I know this is not what you want to hear but Tim doesn't feel romantic about you. He has known you long enough that IF HE DID he would have acted on it.
YOU are a FRIEND with a capital F. No more, no less.
He DOES however feel romantically about your sister.
You also TOLD your sister it was OK for her to pursue him, how do you think it will go down if you all of a sudden tell "Tim" how you feel? AWKWARD all around.
Now, your sister and him might not last. she is only 20. I think the WORST thing you can do... is tell him or tell her. Maybe you DO need to step back a little form this friendship because you don't JUST see him as a friend any more. And there is nothing WORSE than someone claiming to be a friend when they really AREN'T one. And YOU... aren't just his friend, you WANT more. And you didn't discover this until your SISTER started to see him.
Maybe it's time for you to make more friends, and MAYBE not just male friends but some female ones.
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