A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I don't see many guys emailing with this problem so here goes. I've recently come extremely distant from my best mate. In fact alot of people "we" know don't even see him anymore. Since hes got this new gf hes changed so much and he doesn't seem to see how much its hurting others. I never ditch my mates for a girl, and definately not to this extreme. I understand completey that they want time together, however hes not been on a night out since hes been with her, he never comes round for dj nights or just to hang around, well at least not like normal. He will come round at 1am after hes took her home, on the very very rare occasion she goes home. We had a bit of an arguement when they first got together because I was sick of being pushed aside. We've always been close but even when I've had a gf I've made time for my mates as I believe you need your own life as well, except he doesn't seem to want one anymore. I also really don't like her, simply because of how shes changed him, because of how much of an attitude she has and the fact shes slept around. He knows this but we are alright with each other I just don't see her. I would never say anything as I know in these situations people never listen to their friends.People told me it'd be ok, that give them a few months it'd calm down. Its been just over 4 months and it still hasn't calmed down. In fact shes all he wants in his life. After only a month he took her away, yet makes an excuse that he can't afford to come out, he buys her everything she wants. He works late yet he still goes round to fetch her everynight so she can saty at his. Thats his choice I understand, but he even has to get up after 6 hours sleep to take her to work and in all honesty I bet he has to fetch her as well. He just runs round after her and from what I can make out she seems the type to get her own way, except not in an obvious way. Just in the being kind caring and loving to make him wanna do these things so she gets what she wants. I never thought he'd be the type to cling in a relationship and I really can't make out whether she is all he wants now or whether its her influence. When we had the argument at first he even said back then he didn't love her (not like he did his ex) Yet hes given up his life for her, they practially live together and spend every night together. It may just be me that couldn't do that with a girl and in all honesty he can do what he wants but i feel like my best friends just died and is never coming backWill we ever really have our best mate back, hes also become very attitudy since hes been with her. Might I add that shes only 18 and hes 22, shes only just turned 18 at that and it annoys me that now he will go out because she is. Its like we're not wanted anymore. I thought after a few months he'd see sense. Is this likely to last? Will they calm down and get sick of spending all their time together?A part of me hope this relationship doesn't last but I do want him to be happy. I just want our mate back and for him to actually for once in 4 months put me and our mates first.
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best friend, his ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (20 December 2012):
 That happens over time. It sucks, but it's how it always plays out... Just move on with your life, find new friends, and if this person wants your time again, let him find you. Otherwise, it's his loss...
A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (20 December 2012):
 Don't try and force him not to see her. You will never win this. THe spending every second together eventually ends when the honey moon phase ends and he will be seeing you all again. He may even split from her in the future and apologize for dumping you all but also try to understand that when people are in the honey moon phase, they turn a little crazy but eventually go back to being who they are
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): He will eventually come Round but not like he was before, if he still dates her. I was 18 when I met my husband, he was 26. We were serious from the beginning, and even at our wedding 3 years later his friend couldn't come In terms with me being around all the time.
It's just that I guess when someone falls in love everything else and everyone else kind of fades a little. A power of love, it will happen to you too one day:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): I enjoyed your reading your very honest question. I've often envied men for their ability to have such honest relationships with each other...especially their ability to be so straightforward with each other without one of them self-combusting into indignation or tears. I think your post shows you care about your friend, but I think you're forgetting how to be a good friend.
My impression is that you're looking at your friend and thinking "Where is my my best friend? I want him back." What you're not acknowledging is that who he is right now IS who and where he'd like to be at moment. He's happy to be deeply involved with a younger woman. Perhaps she's got him on a leash, perhaps she's needy, but your best friend doesn't seem to mind and he seems to enjoy her company.
A good friend lets their friend's make their own path. They even let them make their own mistakes.
If I were in your position, I would lay off confronting him about her. Don't mention her, just ask him how he's doing. You might even apologize for you last argument...even if you think you were right. Try not to judge him and especially don't judge her (he'll likely only try to prove your judgements wrong by staying with her)
Good friends also understand each other. You're upset about him not being as available, but do you know why he might enjoy this girl's attention so much? It sounds a bit like infatuation, but there are lots of reasons that men and women become infatuated with people who don't suit them.
Has he not had much luck with woman in the past? Do you think he likes feeling like a protector rather than a partner? Might he just be tired of hanging out in clubs with a pack a guys and want to try on a new life? Perhaps that's a bit too bro-mantic for you, but you might try to empathize with where he's coming from.
Good luck. Personally, I think you'll friend will be back within a year or so from the sound of things, but I think you still can be a good friend in the meantime.
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