A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Best friend just completely freaked out on me because she isn't going to be my Maid of Honor.Best friend and I have been best friends for over 20 years. We have both been there for each other in good times and bad. I was the maid of honor at her wedding.She has been kind enough to use her Graphic Design talent to design my wedding website and invitations. The other day, I sent her a picture of my (deceased) sister and asked her to add it to the website with a blurb about how much I love and miss her and that she is my maid of honor (in spirit)Best friend totally freaked out about this. She ranted, and cried, and carried on saying I can't NOT have a maid of honor because it confuses everyone, and why has she been doing so much all these years if she is going to be on the same "level" as the other bridesmaids? (I have 3 others). She said she wouldn't have attended some of the wedding stuff if she had known this, she had felt obligated to. She said I don't know for sure if my sister would have been a good maid of honor, because that person is the one that "helps out the most"I was so stunned during this conversation, I couldn't even think of how to reply. She eventually hurried off the phone, saying she needed to just go to sleep and be left alone to sulk. I did ask her why she never said anything before, and all she said was that because she is supposed to be easygoing, and saying how she felt would've made her seem like an asshole. She was even supposed to come over to my house tomorrow evening and cancelled that. She said she probably has PMS and she had been drinking...so kind of half ass apologizing.I haven't heard from her since. I don't know if I want to talk to her, or what I would even say. I feel at the minimum she owes me an apology. I think it's petty and ridiculous to be that upset over at TITLE, not to mention, I gave it in honor of my DEAD sister. It's also not as if I led her to believe at any point she would be my Maid of Honor, she's always known that would be/would've been my sister. I don't want to think this is the end of our 20 year friendship, but I honestly don't know how to even go about the rest of the wedding planning with her-how will I know she is even doing anything because she wants to, or because she feels she has to? It's obvious she is now very resentful about the whole thing. I plan to just say nothing and wait to see what she does. Does this sound like a good way to handle this?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 You need to meet her half way. Apologize as well, rather than judge her and look down your nose at her (the way you say you don't think her apology is good enough for you...). Accept her apology, or lose a friend! Your choice. In all relationships, both friendships and marriages, we need to GIVE and not just take. We need to put in the effort and work toward fixing things. Even if you feel she is mostly to blame, it takes two to tango, and you should not be so strict or refuse to take any responsibility for what happened. Apologize to her as well, show her some vulnerability: you miss her and want her back in your life.
I mean why not? What is more important here? Some self entitlement, or having your best friend in your life? Life is too short for this kind of grudge, accept her apology, forgive, and ask for forgiveness in return. Patch it up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has been awhile since I posted this question and thank you all for replying.Wanted to provide some clarification and an update.To clarify-I never asked my best friend to do any of the things for the wedding she did. I told her multiple times not to plan any parties, or do the invites/website/etc. She insisted on doing all of it and I let her know that if it was too much for her, to please just let me know and she really didn't have to. I also wouldn't have had issue of her bringing it up that her feelings were hurt. It was the WAY she brought it up as a full on attack. Prior to her outburst, she was already being difficult and negative about everything from the bridesmaid dress to getting our hair done. I didn't ask her to be my MoH. In fact, I sent her the same "Will you be my bridesmaid" invitation I sent my other maids-which she accepted. It was solely due to the fact that I sent the picture of my sister for the website that brought her freak out on. As the update: she did eventually write me an email and apologize and we went back and forth several times. I never felt her apology was very sincere and I did let her know that I was sorry if she had somehow misunderstood me and that I was hopeful we could put this past us. Unfortunately, we almost never speak now. I am not entirely sure why. For me, I know it's partly because I feel this is still unresolved. I have tried to discuss it with her to let her know that I am just still not over it-despite her apology and it doesn't help that I never hear from her now and the wedding is still being planned. She has been going through a lot, and I've reached out to her several times to see if she wants to talk-but I just don't hear from her :(
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 November 2014):
Like you said it's just a title but then why do you have to put it on your deceased sister? In a work place, titles mean something. Titles also mean something among family. I would think even the title of best friend means something different than friend or buddy. I think BECAUSE your sister is deceased, it would make MORE sense for your best friend to honor the role of Maid of Honor. Not the mention the Maid of Honor actually does stuff at the wedding, before, during and after. It would be unfair for her to do things a Maid of Honor would do but she has to face the audience as a normal bridesmaid. It obviously meant a lot to her.
Honestly, I think if you knew you had no intentions of making your best friend the Maid of Honor, then you should not have accepted her in helping you for the wedding. You sort of lead her on.
I wouldn't bother to read into what she actually said since it seems like she is genuinely upset and lost for words, almost like a bad breakup. Not to mention that she can't exactly compete with a deceased person. I don't know if there is some underlying issue between the two of you, but what you are doing is similar to what some people do when they use another person as an excuse or shield. Like those crazy mothers you use their little kids to justify smothering 24/7.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 November 2014):
 Yeah, I agree with Chigirl AND the other anon. Why not have two?? I take the "best friend" philosophy. I have a current "best friend". I have one from my high school years and still stay in touch with her (heh, she was my maid of honor!). Both I call my "best friend". It's not like getting married. Calling your best friend "maid of honor" isn't like cheating on your sister's memory any more than calling my current best friend my BF is betraying my high school one.
The more love you have, the more you give. Love and affection isn't like a piece of pie that gets measured out and only so many people get so much. It's bottomless.Calling your best friend "maid of honor" actually DOES honor your sister as well. It's not slighting her memory by calling your BF that. Yes, had she been alive, it is customary to name family that, and usually best friends respect that (many are actually relieved that they don't have that mountain of responsibility on their shoulders and can just party with you!).
You may also think...your best friend should just help you out because she loves you and shouldn't expect anything in return. If only the world were that altruistic. The truth is, you're the one "expecting" your best friend to put all that time, money and effort for you. We make the mistake of taking those we love for granted, when in reality, they are the ones who deserve the best of your gratitude, your love, and your appreciation.
Honeypie is right in that your wedding is yours and your husband's day. But like the Academy Awards are about the winners, what do they do? They thank the ones who got them there. You're honoring your friend who is doing all of this work, and quite frankly, she's not on the "level" of the other bridesmaids and you shouldn't put her there. No, I don't think she should compare herself to how your sister might have been if she were here, but she's right about all the rest. You owe her the apology for taking her for granted, and the thanks. You sitting there thinking about how you don't want her to be there is idiotic. You need her more than she needs you when it comes down to this wedding. You need a LIVING MoH. Honor your sister, but honor your 20 year friendship as well.
I'll never forget how in the car on the way to the church, my MoH grabbed a honeybee out of my veil with her bare hands without telling me she did it (and it stung her!) because I have a huge massive phobia about bees and she didn't want it messing up my makeup. I think had I withheld the title from her, I'd have gotten stung in the neck! :P
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 November 2014):
I agree with YouWish, honestly. I wasnt even thinking of all the points she brought up, but they made me even more sure. You are sucking your friend dry getting her to put in her time and money (doing stuff for free that she could have been paid to do) and then you insult her like that. Of course she wants to have the title maid if honour, and even if you say she knew that your sister would have been your MoH, YOU also knew that your sister is dead, cant be MoH, and you surely knew your best friend expected to be MoH. You were, after all, her MoH. Its just natural to expect it in return, especially considering shes been doing all the MoH work. If you dont want to give her that title, and an apology, then I think you ough to pay her for all her work, because she only did all this thinking she was MoH. If you are not having a MoH, fine, thats up to you, but dont expect her to do all this work for you then.
I suggest you cool down, and try to see this from her perspective as well. Then talk to her, patch things up, and carry on with her fornally as a brides maid, or as your MoH. In all sincerity though, why are you making such a big deal out of this title, then expect her not to care? Shes doing the work, so why cant you ackowledge that and let her have the title? Why is it so important to make her feel less important, when in reality you are quite dependent on her help?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): I understand the loss of your sister was tragic, but semantically it is easier to have a maid of honour and obviously if she had been still alive she would have been maid of honour or joint maid of honour so I see no harm in havingyour best friends of twenty years be the maid of honour... at the end of hte day it helps you out and your sister would still know that you love her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 November 2014):
It's not that I disagree with Honeypie on this, but it's more that I see this from an entirely different perspective.
I get that you miss your sister, and I'm sorry for your loss. But what on earth are you thinking?! Yes, it's understandable that you wish to honor her on your website by saying "maid of honor" in spirit, but seriously??? You really did insult your best friend, and I feel for her big time.
A maid of honor isn't just a title of sentiment. A maid of honor has duties, and a lot of them. Sorry, but your sister isn't available to do any of these things:
Bachelorette party and bridal shower planning and hosting
Organizing hair and makeup
Help with invitations
Crowd and crisis control on day of wedding
Helps with shopping and coordination
Helps shield you from any possible conflicts and ensures things like the reception and stuff roll smoothly
Holds onto groom's wedding ring until you accept it
Takes care of your emergencies by either carrying your kit (including drinks, touch-up, phone numbers, etc) or by delegating so you can concentrate on your special day
Be the contact for people wanting to know where you're registered
Keeps the gifts straight to make your thank-you's easier
While it's touching that you want to honor your sister, it's inappropriate and insulting to your best friend if you expect from her the duties of maid of honor while withholding the title. Your sister can't do these things for you to put it bluntly.
I think you owe her an apology. She has earned that title, and While I think it's okay to say that your sister is maid of honor in spirit, to then say that she's just a bridesmaid is a lie, and it's mean. You can have an honorary one as well as one currently. You have 99,999 other ways to honor your sister, but to expect the duties of a maid of honor from your best friend while delivering such a profound insult to her and then expecting an apology from her for her reaction is like punching a friend in the face and then expecting her to apologize for crying out in pain.
I'm on your best friend's side on this. You will find the wedding a hell of a lot harder if you have to host your own shower and party and all the things a maid of honor does that you have profoundly taken for granted. Your sister cannot sign your marriage license. Your maid of honor can, and the one who signs it should be your maid of honor in practicality.
You need to fix this and fast, or you have just lost a 20-year friendship over something that needed never happen. Saying your sister is maid of honor in spirit is fine. But it isn't a monogamous title. She can be it in spirit while your best friend carries it in the present.
Withholding the title from your best friend who is doing all of this stuff for you is unimaginably cruel and heartless and thankless. Graphic design talent is expensive, and depending on how many people are coming to your wedding, $250-$500 or more for custom invites isn't unreasonable. IT's like "Hey best friend, I want you to put in hours of your time for me doing Maid of Honor duties, but screw you and your time".
Marriage is for the living, a celebration of life. Your sister is celebrating and is happy for you wherever she is, just as my father is proud of me from where he is. Honor her in spirit, but don't make the wedding about a memorial at the expense of the people working so hard out of their love for you. Do the right thing out of love for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): Can't you have 2 Maids of Honour
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2014):
 Let her stew. Don't contact her, I think SHE needs to be the one reaching out to you and yes, apologizing.
She might however feel slighted. If you had offered her a Matron of honor, (she is married, right?) she might not have been as upset, but it's hard to know when she really hasn't given a explanation that makes sense. I think she felt because YOU were HER MoH - she automatically should be yours.
If she knew from the start that you DIDN'T HAVE a MoH (only one in spirit) who knows.
She sounds like your wedding is all about her, instead of you and that... is not being a good friend.
Not totally sure what her deal it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): Wow. I would ask her to not bother helping any more if she was only doing r because she felt "obligated" to. Is she so selfish that she can't understand the loss of your sister and how that bond will be more than any friendship? I would, only because this is how I get my feelings out best, is write a letter and explain how much she has hurt you and that it is incredible selfish to think you wouldn't honour your sister - who you no longer have in your life - and if she is getting hung up over such silly things then it's not worth the stress. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people, don't lose touch with what the day is about. You and your partner. Everyone else should be there to share in your love and witness your commitment to each other. Sometimes weddings can get a little out of hand with too much over preparing and people stressing out. Step back and have some peace xx
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