A
female
age
30-35,
*iss Clueless
writes:My boyfriend is 19 an I am 17. We have been together a year and a half now and we are still going strong... so I thought. As I am 17 I can't always get in clubs. I understand my boyfriend wanting to go out with his friends in clubs. He wnet out with them last weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My boyfriend said he was going to stay at mine and watch some DVD's with me on the Sunday and get an early night as he was working on the Monday. On the Saturday his boss rung him up and said that he did not have to work on the Monday. Then he said to me he was going out clubbing on the Sunday. This annoyed me. It felt like I was onlt good enough if he had work the next day. But i didn't say anything. Before now he has been caught dirty dancing with girls and I have told him I don't want him to do that, just as he doesn't want me to that. I asked him yesterday if he had been dirty dancing with any girls over the weekend and he said no. I could tell he had it was written all over his face. I told him i could tell he was lying and he admitted that he had been. Then he come out with a load of stuff like "I want to go out and dance with girls" and "I feel like I'm missing out". He even said "I fancy other girls but I would never cheat on you. It's not that I want a different girlfriend. I just want to sleep around". A few hours later he decided he wanted to take it all back because he "loves me so much" and "wouldn't know what to do without me". He did say I was the perfect girlfriend for him. I told him to split up with me if he wants but then he started filling up and siad that that isn't want he wants and that he wish i hadn't said what he had becuase he didn't mean it. He said he was just in a funny mood. This is just totally out of the blue. He had been so nice to me and all over me. Saying how much he loves me and stuff. Then a few nights in the clubs with his d*ck head mates (and they are a bunch of d*ck heads) and he practically wants to split up with me. My self esteem as just been completely ruined. I mean how would you feel if your girlfriend/boyfriend of a year and a half said to you that they want to sleep with other people but can't because they're going out with you? I don't know what to do from here? Do I pretend like everythings ok when really in my eyes it isn't? Do I split up with him even though I would be absolutlely gutted? I really don't know. Im sooo confused. I need some advice!
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clubbing, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DanniBaby +, writes (11 July 2009):
I know where your coming from. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and out of the blue he asked me (well he rather told me) he wants to go clubbing with his friends. I asked him why, he never wanted to go before. His answer was that he only wants to go to have fun with his friends.
We've now agreed that he will only be going once a month and he said he won't be drinking. In all respect i guess i cant ask for a better boyfriend but what concerned me about clubbing was his mates are d*ick heads so i obviously wasent happy about him going which such people then it turned into a huge argument and i asked him why he was being so defensive about going clubbing?
I think your boyfriend loves you, i'm 18 and my boyfriends 20 and i think you are both responsible enough to hold down a good relationship here. Insted of breaking up why dont you ask him if he would settle for him cutting down the amount of times he goes clubbing and insted spend more time with you?
XX
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 April 2009):
 I agree with Emily. He's not really ready for the level of commitment that YOU are ready for.
I guess you will have to decide for yourself what you will accept and what you will not. He wants to go out and be "single" but have you at home. Honestly that really isn't fair on you.
If you were my daughter ( and you could be lol) I would suggest that you either dump him or take a break from him. Start doing stuff for YOURSELF with YOUR friends and certainly don't sit around and wait for him. Live your life. ( You can do it with him but you also can do it without him).
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (14 April 2009):
 This "Boy" is a PRAT, Dump him and tell him to go off and have fun!
He is going to hurt you in the long run and is only keeping you around as you are his security blanket, he obviously would like to pull one of these girls, but they just enjoy playing with him, I don't think this has anything to do with the fact that he wouldn't cheat on you, but more to do with the fact he can't because the girls in the night clubs can see him for what he is!
Get rid of him and find a nice guy who will respect you!
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A
female
reader, b.rye +, writes (14 April 2009):
 No need to be confused. Sounds like he's been pretty clear about what he wants. Do you really want a guy who is going to stomp on your self esteem that way? You're young, but at a perfect age to instill in yourself some standards of quality character and integrity expectations for any man you choose to be involved with. Now is a great time for you to begin walking the road as a woman, instead of a young girl, which means refusing to put up with, excuse my frankness, that kind of b.s. He's 19 and not in control with the massive amount of testosterone being pumped through his system. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I think that's obvious. But don't think it's because there is something wrong with you. He's just simply not mature enough to handle the obstacles that come along with a long term relationship. On the flip side, you could well be on your way to dependency which is a very dangerous path to walk in a relationship. Dependency will, and I assure you by experience, cause your partner to not respect you anymore and once that's happened, getting that respect back is near impossible. Don't become that kind of person - you will regret it and will have a monster of a time trying to change, especially when you're older. An INDEPENDENT and CONFIDENT woman (can I stress those things more?) is always more attractive, and is a more satisfying way to live life.So yes, go ahead. Gut yourself now before you get too deep and the injuries get worse (it's kind of like ripping off the band-aid). You are young and will have plenty more opportunities for more satisfying relationships with men who know how to control their sexual nature. Go and find a goal for yourself - something YOU want to do with YOUR life, like a focus in school for a strong career, or getting involved with an organization of your liking (go do something cool like travel the world or learn a new instrument or challenge yourself to learn something you never thought you could do). Boys, like roaches, will always be around.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 April 2009):
 OK so he is being a stupid "young" kid and putting his foot in his mouth. But there is some truth in what he is saying. It appears to an outsider that he is not mature enough to be in the relationship that you two are in. While I don't condone sleeping around (hazardous to the health of the body and the spirit), I do believe in dating around. I mean getting to know a lot of people on a casual basis. No Sex, no commitment, no ownership, just friends doing things together. I know this flies against todays social standard, but it is exactly what your guy needs. Or rather, one of the things he needs. He also needs a better class of friends.
If you decide to let him free, you will have to let go of your ownership of him including the jealousy. This is not going to be easy. The truth of the matter is that you do not successfully own him now as proved by his actions. If he really does love you he will be back. He may get a little battered around the edges and watch out for STD's, but he needs to finish growing up before he can be solid and stable. It will also give you a chance to get old enough to go to clubs with him.
FA
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 April 2009):
You did the right thing by staying strong and telling him to bugger off and sleep with other people if he wanted to.
But as you say, you can't just forget he said that.
He needs to work to rebuild some trust in your relationship and needs to spend a bit more time with you and prove you are more important than chasing girls in clubs.
He sounds very immature and not quite sure what he wants in life just yet.
Let him have some space and tell him you are still a bit upset that he considered leaving you. Let him have the chance to make it up to you and if he doesn't then it may just be that he's not ready for a real relationship.
It's better to let him go on a high and then have the possibility in later life of getting back together (but you have to let him go and then have no contact with him or you'll end up being friends with benefits or something awful like that.) than to let all this resentment and jealousy build up till you hate eachother.
Good Luck!! xx
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