A
female
age
41-50,
*utmeg3
writes:Hi, I'm in a jam. Well I'm married for 17 years and I had an affair for the first time in my marriage, I met this guy at work and fell head over heels for him but I told him from day one that I'm married and I'm not leaving my husband for no one, he said he understood. We had a 9 month relationship but I started to realize he was posseive, he followed me home, he tried to fight any man that spoke to me so i ended it. He then told me that I can't end it he said he calls the shots and only he can say when it's over. He caused trouble for me at work so I quit, he called and text me and I ignored him, he then said if I don't answer his text he will come to my house. I didn't answer him and yes this man came to my house honking his horn yelling and screaming mine and my husbands name, luckily my husband wasn't home so I called the cops they locked him up. Now I want to know should I tell my husband before he gets a chance to or hope that when he gets out he leaves me alone
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2012):
 You need to tell your husband. If he leaves you then well, that is on you isn't it? You CHOSE to have an affair and disregard your vows, your marriage and your husband.
If your former lover is as crazy as you describe, don't you THINK your husband have a right to know?
Imagine the roles were reversed and some loony chick your husband had had an affair with was doing the thing your ex-lover is.. wouldn't YOU want to know WTF was going on?
This isn't JUST about you, never was - that is not how a marriage works. So put those big girl panties on and OWN your actions, fess up.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I don't know if this was your title or not, but it's certainly accurate. People have alluded to the 80s move "Fatal Attraction", and the popular phrase it spawned, "bunny boiler". Well, you're living it.
We know the 'justice system' ain't what we want it to be. Your stalker is going to be back some time soon. Your husband needs to be aware of the threat, and needs to be able to deal with it. Not telling him is basically making him (and your children?), sacrifical lambs.
Are you prepared to let your husband be killed just to keep your secret? As if, now that the police are involved, it's a secret any more.
Yes, your affair has gone horribly wrong. There's no keeping it a secret any more. There may be no saving your marriage. But there may be saving lives.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Hi nutmeg3,
I know you are afraid of losing your husband. It will take time for both of you to heal from this, but reading your post, this guy is not mentally stable and I don't think you can handle him on your own. You already lost your job, called the police, and he knows where you live. This guy have proven that he's capable of doing anything, and I'd be scare if I were you. The most important thing here is the affair, of course, but I am worry about your safety? Now he's in jail, what's next? I know what you did was terribly wrong, but you need help from your husband to take care of this psycho.... Hope you can make the right decision, salvage your marriage and be happy.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 April 2012):
 You're afraid that he won't forgive you and will leave?!?
That attitude is not surprising -- it took a great deal of selfishness and lack of loyalty to have an affair in the first place.
His safety and his very life might be in danger, yet you're still only thinking of yourself.
The game is over! The jig is up. This guy might announce himself next time with a shotgun blast through your window, and when it all comes out, your husband's relatives will have some very serious questions as to what went down.
Trust me -- at this point, the easiest path right now is to have your husband mad at you and leave you. How do you think your family and HIS family will react to letting this guy into your bed only to seriously injure or even kill your husband?
Protect your husband. Maybe you need to watch Fatal Attraction again to get it through you. This guy doesn't want to boil a bunny. He wants to do harm to your husband...and you. You can't stick your head in the sand and make it go away, and in jail, they're not singing Kum-Ba-Ya in order to make him forget.
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A
female
reader, Nutmeg3 +, writes (4 April 2012):
Nutmeg3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, I wanted to tell him but I'm do afraid that he won't forgive me and leaves.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Unfortunately your exlover is unstable, and most likely will not stop harassing you. I agree with the previous post, for your safety and for the safety of others around you, you need to explain who this man is, so that if something happens when he gets out you have support.
Try to figure out why you were able to have the affair in the first place. Your husband will need the answer to that, and so do you to figure out why you did it, and if you will prevent it from happening again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 April 2012):
Do you love your husband?
Here's the thing -- this guy fights anyone who spoke to you. If he is this unhinged, your husband's safety and possibly his life is in danger the minute this lunatic gets out of jail.
If you love your husband, you'll risk the blowout from him discovering the affair in order to give him a heads up that this guy's after him. Jail time for stalkers isn't very long. They typically have to commit a bad crime before being locked up for a long time. Usually that involves great bodily harm to you or your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Oh my! You better tell your husband. Yes it might be the beginning of the end of your marriage but given that you've now endangered your husband's life by having an affair with a psychotic violent person he has the right to know so he can take measures to protect himself. If you have kids then all the more your husband needs to know about this because your ex-lover might harm them too if he got the chance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): "Now I want to know should I tell my husband before he gets a chance to or hope that when he gets out he leaves me alone."
Why not tell your husband so he can take the necessary steps to protect his family from a legitimate potential threat to their physical safety at the hands of an unstable individual who is obsessed with a selfish inconsiderate woman who is the direct cause of the threat
due to her willingness and desire to engage in a sordid backstreet affair with said unstable individual?
In other words, are you so intent on covering your cheatin' ass that you'd be willing to wait for your backstreet lover to try and physically harm you and/or hubby before you come clean?
You have absolutely no guilt or shame or remorse, it's all boyfriend's fault for not following your strict infidelity guidelines; your sole concern is not getting caught and you don't care whom you might potentially put in harm's way to achieve your narcissistic objective.
Hate to say this, but if you are that self-absorbed I can only hope bf goes after you and not your husband should it come to that. Tisha-1 is absolutely correct, you need help and counselling, and you need both by the boatload.
My thoughts and prayers to your extremely unfortunate husband. Nothing he could have done short of mass genocide to deserve you as a wife.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 So you have a jailed exlover who stalked you so much you needed to notify police and he went to prison? What makes you think he won't continue to be desperate and inappropriate?
I'd tell your husband just so when the stalker goes completely off the rails, someone will have a clue as to why and will make sure law enforcement has a suspect.
Your exlover sounds dangerous and you need extra help and counseling. Please be sure you get it.
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