A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a a heavy heart. I am reasonably happily married with 2 lovely children. I am involved with a married man - we have sex together. Once my husband caught us. We got over that, but I lied and have continued to see the other man - for 2 main reasons, the sex and that I like him. Recently I have seen a lot of this man, and while I know we only ever agreed to the sex thing - never a relationship - I have recently began to wonder what that might be like. I find it relatively easy to keep to double life going, but my sex life with my husband is miserable - he's just not as interested in sex as I am and it drives me nuts!!! I know I probably have a higher than average drive and the other guy fulfills my needs without any games or mind stuff. I know he won't ever leave his wife and I don't want to ever leave my family, so why do I suddenly think about him all the time? This thing with him has been going on for around 5 years, anyone else ever been in this situ? how did it turn out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): there is no hope for you. you did not learn the first time you got caught, you continued and don't give a hoot of the consequences. i am not going to tell you to attempt to stop because you already you you won't. not that you cannot but you won't. it is so strnage that women think nothing of stealing from their husbands. they give it to other men yet want the financial stability the hb provides but do not bat an eyelid of this. you have stolen from your hb for 5 years. and will continue . have you ever heard of a conscious. or is this not in your vocabulary.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): Hello there.I do understand your problem and while I'm not advocating what you're doing, it is important to realise that this does not necessarily make you a bad person - you are just having a bad time.I think the previous poster gave some very good advice. In particular, "I dont want to be carried in life only by my desires and passions, I want my action to make sense and to be responsible to the people i love". I think this is a very good piece of advice, of how to try to think.Your husband sounds like a good man albeit a bit too understanding. If your lover is a good man, then he will understand your situation and your turmoil as well.I don't think that a menage a trois or some living as a threesome is a reasonable suggestion.If you can live with yourself for continuing the second relationship - and you keep it private from your husband - perhaps continue.But if you are going to continue to be torn, I think you are going to have to at some stage make a decision between them. Sometimes a trigger or crisis point occurs which forces this decision. I think this may be what you need.In any case, will think of you and wish you the best of luck in resolving this. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): Hi there, to be honest, i am facing a similar problem. i am happily married to a wonderful man, only the sex is pretty boring. i also a have a high drive for sex, and my husband and i are very different in what we like. but i really love him and i think he is an amazing man. however about a year ago i met a gorgeous guy, we had sex few times, which was amazing, the best i have ever had. Imagine!!!But i realized that the sex with him affects my marriage very badly, and compares to him, my husband will not stand a chance (they are just so different). it isnt fair even to me, i figured. cuz i will never be able to enjoy a complete and full marriage with my husband unless i dont work on our sex life together. the fact that our sex is boring is also my responsibility. and im saying it with my mind, but my heart is heavy and aching, cuz its gonna take a lot of work, patience, practice and positive thinking to get our sex life on track. but i saw that having a double life, eventuality would make me sick and unhappy, and i dont feel like being all messed up in few months or years because of that. I know the other man wont leave his family, and i would never want to leave mine (though i dont have kids, i really love my husband, he is a really a terrific guy) our problem is mainly the sex. but i hear that its a common problem among married couples, so there should be some techniques to communicate better on this level.I love the other man dearly as well, not just sexually. but its been few weeks now that we havent talked, just so we can get over each other a bit. and man, i have been so obsessive with him, i find it soooo hard sleeping with my husband and not thinking of him, daydreaming, fantasizing. I would have loved living with the two of them. but obviously my husband would like that;), so decided to be mature about it and not just to think about my needs, but rather to build something more meaningful with my husband. i told him that i need more sex and i told him what i would like to do in bed, i told him i need more affection during the day as well. and in the last weeks (after half a year of practically begging!!!), i can see some slight changes. and i really appreciate his effort, cuz i know it isnt easy for him either. my husband is pretty cold and distant, and the sex would be too short and strait forward to my taste. while with the lover, it was just right, it was just perfect. but than again, i dont know how he is with his wife, i dont know how it is living with him (sure, i imagine it as a bed of roses, but i know that it cant be the case).anyway, living in our society and having two men would effect your mental and eventually your physical health, in my opinion. in one way or another, it would drive you crazy and split you in two, if it didnt already. i decided to work on my greediness (with sex and love), and to work on my emptiness (i'm pretty sure it got to do with my craving to constant love and affirmation that i am being loved and desired), and mostly to work on my sex with my husband. which im doing through thinking positive about him, seeing and than focusing on the good stuff in him. of course its hard. i have been crying a lot for leaving the lover, who is fit and gorgeous and the sex, but also brought a lot of fear and anxiety to my life. i dont deserve to live that way and neither my husband.so yeah it takes a lot of strength and i dont have time to see friends and do things that would take my mind off it, but i know time does magic and i trust myself and God to give me the strength to get over it. i keep imaging myself in one year, or two years and 5 years time, being sexually satisfied with my husband and that gives me the strength not calling the other man.and yes, everyday is a struggle not calling him, not texting him- to tell him how much i love and desire him, but the fact that i feel happy at night and proud of myself for not doing so- proves me that i am doing the right thing. i dont want to be carried in life only by my desires and passions, i want my action to make sense and to be responsible to the people i love. its enough what i did already. but i guess i needed to do that to realize how much i believe in my marriage, so ill get the strength to work on it. and i know its not going to be the last time we would have sexual problems, but both of us are ready to face it. i wish i could give you a quick and easy solution, but than again- do you know any problem in life that has one??i think, if you love your husband and if you are open with him- tell him how u feel- remind him that its perfectly human what u guys go through- all couples go through that. if u dont love him, and u r just staying for the kids, than its another problem. and i wouldnt know what to suggest. i only know i wouldnt stay for anyone else. i would probably think: my kids love me, and they want their mama to be happy, they wouldnt want me to sacrifice my life for them, they would especially understand it when they grow older. i dont know, i guess its about realizing the most important thing in your life- the essence- and follow that. all the rest, big emotions, desires, that seem so REAL- they fed away with time. just like anything else.Good luck and take good care of yourself and your family.All the best!!!
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