A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My affair with a married man recently ended, he told his wife after only 6 wks of seeing each other that he loved me and was leaving but went back because of Xmas and his children. We continued to see each other and he left again after another 6 weeks, introduced me to his parents and his siblings and led me to believe we could start a life together. His wife then started to make things dificult with the children threatening that he would not see them if he was with me and money. Throughout the affair she sent to herself and him malicous texts and letters in an attempt to make it look like me. After leaving for three weeks, he told me that he needed to try and make his marriage work for the children and because everything he has is with her (financially). I lost my job as a result of the affair and gave up my rented house to stay with my parents tempararily until we sorted somewhere together. When he went back he accused me of scratching his car (his wife did it) and sending the letters and texts. He had assured me from the beginnining that he did not love her and he could not stay in the marriage. He told me and his family that I was the love of his life. I just dont understand how he could turn against me. He lives 100 miles away from me, and I discussed my dismissal with our boss who then in turn got rid of him, as he was my boss and had conducted our affair in alot of his working time (I worked part time). I now feel he will blame it all on me and hate me, but I was upset that he was treating me badly and reacted to that. How do I move on? I am distraught that he has not contacted me!
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affair, married man, money, move on, my boss, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): I haven't read the other aunt's advice, but your main question is how do you move on now that you are distraught that he has not contacted you?
First off, understand that his having an affair with you has as little to do with you as a flea bite on a dog.
His marriage was in trouble and instead of stepping up to the plate and dealing with his problems (getting a flea bath) he decided instead to just scratch an itch...and you were just there to do that with. The fact that you were living 100 miles away from him and his wife and family, made that plausible for him.
He never loved you, he doesn't hate you and he has not turned against you, but he was confused, unhappy in his marriage and retaliating against his wife and his life and you got caught in the middle of that....His blaming you for scratching his car is his attempt to misdirect the blame for the affair onto you by calling you a crazy, love sick woman, but the responsiblilty and the guilt lies with him. You decided to be a direct threat to his family and you have to live with the consequences of your poor choice in a partner. What ever made you think that the answer to his life was you, that you are the better woman for him and that all he needed was love from you? You sold yourself a bill of goods that was based on a house of sand.
How do you move on? By realizing you fell for the oldest trick in the book and that you will never again choose to be involved with a man who is not emotionally or legally available to you. And forgive him for his stupidity as you were a willing partner to the whole affair.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 April 2007):
 To think you weer not the or a BIG problem in the marriage is so unrealistic. He's married to someone else and the father of the family unit, albeit a bad one. You had absolutely no right to be part of the plan. If he robbed a bank and you drove the get away car...guess what...you're guilty. Were you going out in public? Did you walk down the street hand in hand? If the answer to these questions is no, it's because you knew you were doing something wrong. You chose to act foolishly and now the price is being paid. You are guilty and wrong.
Carrying on in a relationship with a married man IS a living a lie and cheating. It goes against everything we know to characterize good integrity. It goes against what is acceptable in society. It assists people in making bad choices and helped in breaking families apart. You may not have been the first trouble in that marriage but you might have been the final nail in the coffin. To pretend otherwise is silly.
You say you felt sorry for the wife and did not want to hurt the children. I think you're giving yourself too much credit. It's naive to assume that what you did was going to make them happy. Really, did you honestly believe that? You say it's wrong to stay for the children's sake ???? What business is it of yours? Your opinion about the state of his children is none of your business.
Unless he lived apart form his wife and you two traveled throughout town as a couple, you have to accept that what you did was nasty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): A close friend of mine burst into tears and confessed that she was seeing a married man. She didn't even think about the wife and children until she came over and looked at me and my two babies. The "penny dropped" and she thought about what I would do if it happened to me, her friend, she felt horribly guilty. The wife and children are the ones who are innocent, they have not committed adultery and yet, most mistresses always say - "Well, they had problems". Well one of "their" problems was that you were sleeping with her husband! I'm sure the other problems could have been solved by a marriage councellor. When you start dating a man who is not available, you HAVE caused someone else problems, whether or not you think that it is being judgemental. My daughter, at 15, could pick out a creepy old married man on the make, where the heck was your judgement? You fell for the oldest line in the book, "My wife doesn't understand me...". Let me guess, was he at mid-life? Do you think he might have been having one of those mid-life crisis? Do you know how many men use women as bandages at that time of life? They don't want to get old, so they look for someone else to adore them so that they can feel better about themselves. I can't believe that you are over thirty and were naive enough to fall for him. I was avoiding those guys and knew better at the age of twenty! After being old enough to know better, committing adultry and almost wrecking a family, you made sure that you got the guy fired too! Why do you THINK he hasn't contacted you? You are a hell of a piece of work, Lady (and I use that term for lack of a better word)! I haven't seen one single bit of remorse or responsibility in what you have written.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): Wow - I see from the other replies that it's easy to judge and I would have done too once, before I had an affair with a married man. I was so ashamed when it finished, but when I finally told my new friends I found out that so many of them has also made a similar mistake, and that's what it was, a mistake.
People use the word love for a lot of things, and so I would say take a look at your relationship and ask what of it was really love? Not sex or desperation.
As for his wife - two wrongs don't make a right and probably down the line they will split up - either because he has another affair or for one of a million other reasons, but do you want to sit around and wait?
It sounds like you want to prove to him that you didn't send the texts/scratch the car etc. etc. Do you really care?
Whatever mistakes you have made I believe that everyone deserves to be loved, and love starts with respect. So start by respecting and loving yourself - get out there, get a new job, a new home and from the sound of things new friends and deal with the day to day stuff.
Chances are he will come back at some point when you have moved on, and I hope you have built enough self-respect and love for yourself to know better next time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never realised that people who responded were so judgemental. I did not set out to ruin someone's marriage, or take away a childs father, this man had pursued me at some length before I responded ensuring me that he no longer had a marriage worth salvaging. I did not lie or cheat throughout this affair that was him. He turned my life upside down, I trusted him. Yes it was a mistake , I let my heart rule my head, it is a mistake I will not repeat. I was looking for advice not judgements on a situation. I was not the problem in their marriage that was between them, things were obviously not right for him to treat her the way he did. I did feel sorry for her and I would never want to hurt his children, but I believe it is naieve to stay for the childrens sake. I believe he did not go back for love but because he could not afford to leave. He still maintained that he loved me not her when he went back. Also I did not get him or me fired that was his actions. He sacked me to save his own job, so I reported him to work, I did not have the authority to get him fired, the company made that decision.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 April 2007):
It's too bad that you have no moral compass to guide you through this. Poor me,me, me, ...That's all I hear. You do not deserve any sympathy. When you lay down with dogs, you get flees. In this case you're both covered in flees. May I be so bold to ask you what you expected? This isn't a fairy tale. You CHOSE to be part of a rotten plan to end the marriage of a mother/wife and pull the rug out from under her feet, turn her world upside down and steal the father of her kids.
So, good for her and too bad for you and Romeo. Move on, go on the dole until you find a new job and try to maintain some standards that mature adults expect. Make better choices and don't do things that are inappropriate. It makes life so much easier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): Well, anonymous, you have have made so many mistakes, I don't know where to begin. First, becoming involved with a married man, with children, who was your "boss". After the first "collapse" of the affair, you then tried again. Now you have gotten yourself and him both fired. You are now, "distraught that he has not contacted me". I would not hold my breath. And you are over thirty? I would maybe understand a nineteen year old's actions better. "How do I move on?" As fast as you can. And grow up a lot as fast you you can as well.
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