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female
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anonymous
writes: I am married woman having an affair for the last year with a wonderful man. We are both besotted with each other. He has had a stormy distance relationship for the last 5 years and his girlfriend has been putting a lot of presure on him to get married. They recently went on holiday together and he then told me that they are going to get married. I find it strange that he will be able to make a life long commitment to her if we both clearly have feelings for each other? I have been going to counselling for all this time to work out if I should leave my husband (this guy knows about the counselling). Please don't tell me I shouldn't be having the affair - that is another issue and I am working hard on resolving things. I need help to understand what is happening with this man that means so much to me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): It doesn't really matter. An affair guy or an affair girl is just another few words for "temp sex guy" or "temp sex girl". Whatever he's going to do with his partner is his business and not your's. You said "affair" - so what did you expect from the beginning? [sighing profusely]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): Well, I AM going to tell you you should not be having an affair when you are married. You're cheating on your husband, and whether you are happy in your marriage or not, makes no difference.
Consider the fact that this man has told you he is getting married, a godsend. A gift. Because, it gives YOU an opportunity to put your focus on your marriage and forget about this other guy. You are free now to think about whether you want to try to be happier with your husband, or if your marriage seems hopeless, to set about leaving him and getting divorced.
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (9 September 2006):
ok, well u obviously know that people are going to think 'hmmm' and disapprove of u having an affair while ur married, but why are u still married if u don't love ur husband? defeats the whole idea of marrying someone. anyway... u talk about the affair man as ur main partner who u love etc and now ur in heart ache because he is marrying his girlfriend. it seems as though u thought his girlfriend was just his 'bit on the side' when actually it appears u are. he is having his cake and eating it. ur relationship started as a bunch of lies and was never meant to be anything else. whatever ur reasons for having the affair - it seems as though its maybe something quite deep and complicated, u are obviously ashamed of the fact - is sounds like u have been hurt in ur marriage and ur trying to find a way of escaping emotionally, i don't know. just leave this not-so-'wonderful' affair guy to his stormy relationship and why not try finding someone who respects u some one who is good enough for u who wants u to be only theirs instead of agreeing to share u with someone else. anyone who loves u truly would not be able to cope with that. good luck anyway xx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (9 September 2006):
 I am not going to tell you not to have an affair...but affairs are based on lies, lies and more lies. Your husband probably doesn't know about what is going on and neither does your lovers fiancee. My point is that he is not 'besotted' with you or else he would have left his partner and wouldnt be marrying her. You like to think he has deep feelings for you because it makes the affair something rather more than a seedy sexual fling. He has been saying they have a difficult relationship as it justifies the affair in his mind and conscience. You are not there to know they have had troubles and only have his version of events.
If you are unhappy in your marriage - leave and be single for a while. It is the stronger option than just hanging around in a dying marriage waiting for this affair guy to get his act together and leave his girlfriend.
Don't set conditions on marriage break-up based on what this affair guy is doing or saying. If you two were going to start a proper relationship together then it would have happened by now - you would have both left your partners and set up home. It hasn't happened because you have uncertainty about your marriage, and he has his wife to be, and you as his mistress too. I honestly feel a bit sorry for his fiancee as the marriage is doomed to fail - if he cheated on you then he will cheat on her with someone else. However much it hurts you should stop seeing this guy - not for your husband, your marriage or his future marriage but for your own self respect. He sees his girlfriend as his 'wife' and you are the second position 'mistress'...he doesn't intend on upgrading you and your affair could drag on for years without actually going anywhere. Walk away, start again.
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