A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is going to sound so strange, but I have been in and emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 3 years and I finally told him to get help or leave, he denied he had a problem and left saying I kicked him out. I have decided to get counceling for myself and although I have only had one session so far, my councelor gave me the homework assignment of getting and reading a specific book the she felt would give me a better understand of verbal abuse and how to safegard myself against it. While reading the book I did notice that they could have written it about my husband, but that did not surprise my at all. What did suprise me was how I am different then the abused partner they describe in several ways. They said that the partner does not know she is being abused, I did. They said that the abuser can easily make the partner feel as if she is to blame for the abuse, although he was very good at making me feel not good enough and he acted like he felt he truly believed everything was all my fault, I never for one second thought that the things he did to me and the promsises he broke were my fault. I probably just spent to much time trying to convince him that it was not my fault without knowing that he didn't care and wasn't going to listen because he didn't want to. The part of the book that scares me is the part that says the abused partner will not compliane or nag, they will only try harder to please the abuser and the abuser will often go into rages of anger or call the abused partner names and then tell her it is all here fault that he is acting that way. He may even throw in the threat of divorce or leaving. I did try harder and harder to please him, but here is an expamle of a typical arguement with me and him.Keep in mind that he cheated on me for a year straight with severl different women, and picked many of them up on myspace and porn sites prior to going on out of town trips so that he would have something set up when he got to his destination. After we broke up one of the conditions for getting back together was no more out of town trips. EVER!Him: Since my boss transfered his spot is opened, I am thinking about applying, but they probably wouldn't consider me. One of the other people here has her degree already.Me: I wouldn't assume that, you put in all those hours overtime, sometimes once your foot is in the door dependability is what they vaule the most. But, dosen't that job require a lot of out of town travel. Him: Yeah, why?Me: Well you promised me that you would not go out of town without me ever again, so why would you apply for a job that is going to require it?Him: It's been two years, you are so insecure that you can not even support me in my work. I have been supportive of you in your work.Me: It is not that I am not supportive, I gave up my apartment, my car, my own dreams to move 3000 miles away from home to support you in your dreams. You were suppose to finish college when you got here and it has been two years and even though I have offered to work full time and take care of the kids and do all of the house work, just so that you can concentrate on going back to school, you have let me take on all of the responsibilty, but you have made no attempts to go back.Him: There you go agin, throwing everything in my face.Me: All I am saying is that I have been supportive of you and the things that you said you wanted, but know you seem to be changing the plan without including me. If advancement is so important to you then I don't understand why you can not go back to college and advance yourself in the ways that we can both planed. You act like the only way to advance is to break a promise to me, as if the promsies you made me to get me here are not important.Him: You are never going to stop throwing the past in my face. Me: It has been 2 years not 20 and I have cought you on porn sites since we have been here. Him: Promsies have nothing to do with it, this is about work, I am only thinking about the future and well being of my family.Me: What about my well being, you made me promsies and I am not going to feel secure if you keep breaking them.Him: That only means that you don't trust me and if you don't trust me, you can't possibly love me.Me: Lot's of screaming, yelling and name calling (at this ponit only out of frustration, I would never do any of these things otherwise).Him: See I can't even talk to you. If you don't trust me then you can't love me.He then goes on to ignore me for days at at time. If I try to communicate or talk to him about this, he will just keep insisting that the only problem is that I don't trust him and he is hurt. He will repetitvly cut me off with this each time I try to speak, which will cause me to fill with rage and scream uncontrolably for about 10 minutes straight at which point he will say I am sick and a bad mother. This is usually when I tell him it is all his fault that I am acting this way because he is being unfair, breaking promsies and taking away my security. He will tell me I need to get help. After a while, since I did of course know screeming and yelling really was no good for the kids, I tried my best to keep it all inside, but I started to get very sick. I would even vomit blood if I got too upset, after I tried to just keep my rage inside because I felt he was right about the screeming and yelling around the kids. I never tried to do it in front of them, but I know they could hear me. I only started to screem when he would twist my words, become sarcastic and cut me off. Once he brought me to the point of screeming, he would often go set in a room with the kids for several hours, acting as if he was trying to safegard himself from my abuse. I felt like he was just saying his feelings and then disregurding mine by saying this conversation is over and walking away before I could speak or defend myself. By the time I would wait several hours to speak to him when the kids were not around or in bed, but he would just blow me off agian and I would usually say if nothing I say, think, feel or do is important and your going to make me feel like I don't matter then I will leave. (I had nowhere to go and he knew it)Nothing was ever resolved. Now that he is gone, I am feeling much better. But in reading this book, I am beging to think that I am an abuser too. Am I?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cincin  +, writes (18 February 2009):
he's a vampire, I've been there. you think you're living but you're not truely living. everyone has their own time, you'll find and feel the right time to run.you'll better run, but I know none of these advices give you that power to. everything will unravel it's complex suddenly. then you'll move on. sorry it's all up to you, about you, about your own timing and instincts to connect yourself through those yucky pieces together. this is a stereotype that you always hear but never see yourself into bear. that's the harsh face of reality.he's an asshole, don't put up with him.he's only using you.if a vampire bites you once you'll be a one. don't be, be pure,true,logical. trust on them. read a lot about abuser men, they never change. don't ever try to think about changing him, at least from this moment.. fuck him and save yourself. then you'll see the sunshine again.
anyway sweetheart you'll find that strength in yourself all of a sudden, just if you believe and trust your perception. it's my humble advice..
hugs
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