A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone, I broke up with my ex over a year ago (31/12/07) because he hit me. things were not going well before that because he was a bully and used to called me names like ''fat'' and ''ugly'' to hurt me.I made a police statement at the time about the assault but I decided not to proceed with the case as I was told that it could take a year to go to court. I dont see him around because I keep busy with work and college and my free time is taken up with going to the gym etc.I have a new boyfriend who is the exact opposite of my ex, hes kind, non violent and drinks very little. we've been together almost 8 months now and we're getting on fine. I had lots of time in the 6 months that I was single to get over my ex and I wish he would just leave me alone but he wont. he saw my boyfriend and I in a nightclub a few times and I managed to steer my boyfriend out of his way.he used to ring my home number (I live in my mothers house) and I got that number changed. I blocked him from emailing me but he persistently texts me and sometimes rings me when he is drunk. I have not changed my mobile number because it would be too much trouble to change it, eg: my ex employer needs it in case I get a call back about the weekend shift in the factory where I used to work.I didnt tell my boyfriend about my ex bacause I didnt want to scare him off.however it transpired last week that he even confronted my current boyfriend in the street 2 months ago and told him that we had been an item until he came along, (not true, I was single for the 1st half of 2008) and said things like I was ''easy'' and a ''slut''. my boyfriend said he just walked off as he thought my ex was just a ''weirdo''my boyfriends excuse for not telling me sooner was that he didnt believe that I had been going out with that man (my ex), and I obviously denied it.my question is how do I get my ex to stop this harrassment? any answers would be appreciated, thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Tisha 1 for taking the time to reply, Cerberus basicallly said the same thing as you did at the end. since my boyfriend & I are considering properly moving in together I will have to do something about it, he will jump to his own conclusions if I have unexplained calls at night which isnt fair on either of us.
I think my ex has serious mental health issues as no normal person would persist with such a thing after this time, so I have no other option but to make a statement about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso my ex is actually barred from a few of the nightclubs around so I was counting on us not bumping into him again but since it happened 3 times it could happen again... I would change my number if I knew that would be the solution but Im afraid in case he ruins things for my boyfriend & I or worse still if he shows up at my house.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 Listen to Cerberus! He's given you the best advice you're going to get. I know you didn't ask for it, but this is the situation you're in; you have to do what you have to do to keep yourself and your boyfriend safe. People don't ask for cancer either, but it happens, you have to deal with it, swiftly, firmly and with great resolve. Go do it! The longer you put this off, the longer your boyfriend and you are at risk.
What Cerberus said! (except that bit at the end, I'm clueless there)
Good luck, be brave and strong!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you cerberus, he already did try to approach us in a club last july the first time I went out with my current boyfriend and it was only bacause I managed to steer my boyfriend in the opposite direction without him seeing what was going on that it didnt happen then. I just wish there was some other way to get him to leave us alone his persistance is quite scary though
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you jessica, it is getting quite disturbing that he should continue with this behaviour & what makes it worse is that I didnt tell my parents about him because we were together only a short time before I dumped him. I dont want my boyfriend to think that what he said about me was true thats also why Im reluctant to tell him.
my ex changed his number because I gave it to the police before then he started texting me from the new one so Im going to have to report it because if I got a new number Id be afraid in case he came around to my house causing trouble
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): You really need to be open and honest with your boyfriend, if he approaches you both together in a club or something, things will get messy and that wouldn't be a good way for him to find out. You should explain it to him now and why you were afraid to tell him.
Go in to the Gardai tomorrow and tell them what's going on with these calls and don't be afraid to explain yeer past history to them. They'll probably want you to go to your mobile phone company and apply for phone records. Private numbers are still recorded by the phone company, you don't need to prove anything the records will show the amount of harrassment.
Here's the applicable law: Its an offence under section10 of the Non fatal Offences Against the Person Act 1997 to continually watch, follow or beset any person without lawful excuse which includes using a telephone\mobile.
The Gardai will be able to help you, they take this kind of thing very seriously, especially seeing as this has been going on so long.
This guy represents a danger to both you and your boyfriend so your boyfriend does need to know, their next meeting on the street might not as amicable as the last and he needs to know what this guy is capable of.
You've nothing to be ashamed of, you've done nothing wrong, it's okay to be scared but it's now time to stop this.
Go n'éirí an t-ádh leat!!!
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (25 February 2009):
 Please contact your local authorities (gardai, right?), the sooner the better. I know you might feel embarrassed to tell your BF because you denied going out with this guy, but at this point you are the sane one, and he has discredited himself. But for you BF's safety, you do need to tell him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the swift answers, lazy guy I did not ask for this type of harassment and if I had continued with the case it'd only be going to court now so cut me some slack please.
thank you jessica & emily, I've records on my phone still going as far back as last july of phonecalls from him but as nearly all of them are from Private Number I wouldnt be able to prove that it was him. it's now harder to get a restraining order in ireland than before but despite this I'll consider it thank you.
I got a total of about 20 abusive calls from him on saturday evening & numerous text messages & so far Ive just answered & said nothing in the hope that he'd run out of credit,but it doesnt seem to deter him. I still feel too ashamed of telling my man about going out with my ex because I vehemently denied knowing him on saturday when he informed me about my ex approaching him in the street.
In response to what you said jessica, my ex doesnt know where my boyfriend lives as of yet but Im terrified he might find out because he knows where my mothers house is & my boyfriend's place is around the corner from there & when he confronted my boyfriend it was only a minute away from here.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 You filed a complaint, but didn't push through with it, because it was to much of a hassle.
You could easily get a new number, but it is to much of a hassle.
Stop running away from your own responsibilty. YOU dated this guy, YOU need to get rid of him.
If only you had continued with the charges against him you could now continue it with a restraining order, but you didn't because it was to much of a hassle.
When you are ready to put up with some hassle to get rid of him, ask again.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (25 February 2009):
You need to record and report all contact he is attempting with you. It will be a big pain the the butt, however, it's the only legal way.
I don't know what the laws are where you live, but in the states you need to contact to police and file a restraining order to legally keep him away from you. The problem with restraining orders is that they list the adress they are legally barred from, so unless he already knows where your current BF lives, I wouldn't list him. Make sure you list your place of work, too.
After you file the restraining order, you need to keep a log of all contact he attempts. I know this may sound silly, but photo evidence with a digital date will help. Very literal, take pictures of him if he follows you, is outside your work/ home, by your car etc. Print out phone bills for you mobile that show his number is texting you. Do not text him back.
You need to pursue this. Make as many friends aware of the situation as possible, any mutual friends you may have had with him. And it's time to really tell you BF about all the terrible things this guy did to you, so he can be fully aware of what he might be up against. I am more than confident he will be supportive.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (25 February 2009):
Call the police again. Harassment is illegal in most countries. (although I don't know the exact laws in Ireland.)
You may be able to get a restraining order banning him from texting you or coming near you or your new man.
Talk to a domestic violence charity, or go to your police station and ask them what if anything can be done.
It could just be that having a police man turning up on his door may convince him to leave you alone.
I do think you need to come clean to your new guy though and just tell him that he seemed nice at first but turned out to be a violent psycho. Don't let your ex do any more damage to you than he already has. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You were smart and strong enough to get out of the relationship. You can do this.
Good Luck!! xx
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