A
male
age
30-35,
*ukef23
writes:So my girlfriend told me that her parents won't allow us to sleep in the same room. I understood and agreed to sleep on the couch downstairs. They live in a 3 bedroom family home, so when her brother arrived that night I assumed they would sleep in their own bedrooms. In the middle of the night, I went upstairs to discover that both her and her brother's rooms were empty, meaning they was sharing their parents double bed! When I asked her she explained that it's nothing. And that previously he had slept at her place for 14 days straight (her bed). She's 27, he's 29. They are Chinese and the family is quite wealthy. I really think it's odd What do people reckon? Am I overreacting? Is it a cultural difference? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): Hi there! I know it sounds a little odd, but I think it could be a cultural thing. I'm Singaporean, grew up in a traditional asian family and believe it or not, I slept on mattresses next to my brother up until I was 18. We also shared a room with my aunt and my cousin (this is a long story so I shall not delve into details). It was only recently that I got my own room and the only reason why I slept next to my brother until I completed high school was due to financial constrains (four people in a room yikes!).
All these being said, I also have friends who still share the same bed with their siblings in university, although it is a lot more common for the same sex siblings to do so. My friends who have opposite sex siblings get separate rooms as they grow older.
It could also be, that her family is really traditional and conservative. My parents also do not allow my boyfriend and I to be in the same room alone or stay over at each other's places. Although in all honesty, it does sound a little odd (even growing up in a conservative household like mine) because they could have taken separate rooms while you slept on the couch. Is he very protective of her? And are they first or second generation immigrants?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2016): My friend, perhaps her brother was guarding her honor and making sure you didn't have sex in their parent's home. It does have implications of incest, but I venture to guess keeping you two apart was the main objective. The creep-factor is off the charts!
I don't think she should have been so dismissive, and say it was nothing. It is something! If they have a message to get across, be direct. You're all adults. Let her know that it made you feel uncomfortable. Also make it clear that you will respect the house rules, but two adult siblings in one bed isn't something you're used to.
If they were living in a one-room shack in a poverty-stricken village in China; all family members piled on one bed might be the norm. Under such impoverished conditions and circumstances, it would not be unusual anywhere.
It's not normally done in the UK. Even if it was to keep you two apart; it is inappropriate. She is an adult with a boyfriend now. It wasn't the least bit necessary.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 February 2016):
 It might be cultural.
And it might be the brother "protecting" his sister. I mean no hanky panky is going on in HER bed with him in it too, right?
But yes, THAT does sound weird to most of us Westerners. But it's not really an indicator that anything untoward is going on, just that there IS a big difference in how they regard sleeping arrangements. Which like Abella pointed out... might be the tip of the iceberg in cultural differences between her and you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 February 2016):
 Hi Lukef,
While it seriously bothers people in western cultures it seems that ancient customs and even particular cultures see no problem with this:
"Close for Comfort: Does Sharing a Bed with a Sibling Affect Adulthood? http://vanwinkles.com/does-sharing-a-bed-with-a-sibling-affect-adulthood via vanwinklesmedia"
In some countries families may still live as people once did in ancient cultures, all sleeping in the same room, with several children in a bed.
But that is often because the family is so poor that they cannot have the luxury of multi-bedroom homes.
Your girl friend's parents don't have that excuse, (of only enough money/room for one bedroom) so clearly they see nothing wrong with this sharing of the bed. If they are wealthy they could certainly afford a bedroom for each of their children. But the children (now adults) choose not to use the rooms.
The brother and sister may have grown up this way and never questioned and never thought about it being inappropriate.
perhaps it started from necessity and since them the siblings have never questioned the practice.
Yes, I will say that I think it is inappropriate at least and perhaps even naive of the parties to not realize that others would see it as odd.
If once they shared a bed (as children) out of necessity they most certainly do not need to share the bed anymore.
Now that the parents are wealthy they can afford multiple bedrooms and a place for everything.
If you and your girlfriend move in together, or perhaps even marry, then ask her if, when you are husband and wife, if she would expect her brother to share your marital bed.
At the very least this could signal that there are other potential cultural issues that could impact on your relationship in the future.
Time to see if you can discuss these things openly with her and hear more about what is important to her.
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