A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is 18 and living and sleeping with a 31 year old man. In my heart I feel this is totally inappropriate. Her father is so upset. They got into a huge fight. Now I am in a deep state of depression. I don't see how my daughter believes that this relationship is ok. She has alienated her whole family. What can I do to make her see without pushing her away? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): At the age of 18, she is an adult and can live her own life (without parental interference). 31 is mature but not old for a guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): I did exactly what your daughter is doing.
My parents had exactly the same reaction as you. They cried, they threatened, they nagged all because they cared.
My older bf was an absolute idiot and I could (I did) do much better than him.
However much my parents tried, they couldn't make me stop seeing him. The more they tried the more I dug my head in. I actually moved in with him at one point for a couple of months because my parents wouldn't let it go.
I broke up with him eventually because we'll I grew out of him.
Bless my parents, they tried so hard. But I used protection and someone always knew where I was so even though he wasn't the best bf I was always looking after myself.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 February 2015):
Dear OP,
The best thing you can do is to make it easy for your daughter to talk to you and trust you, in case trouble should arrive.
Which means: NO teaching, NO threatening, NO begging, NO crying.
Your daughter won't talk to you, won't trust you, if you treat her like she's crazy, or like she's still a child. She's in LOVE. In a state of mind where you don't answer to logic, or concerns of others. She won't listen to you. But if you're a good listener, maybe one day she'll be happy to have someone to talk to.
Wiseowle is right, play it as cool as you can.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 February 2015):
We all want the best for our kids, and hope they make the right choices in life. But sometimes they don't, and we have to sit back and let them make their own mistakes. We cannot live our children's life for them. We have our road to follow, and they have theirs.
As long as this man is looking out for the best interest of your daughter, that is best you can hope for.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2015):
 There is NO way at 31 I would have wanted my 18 yr old husband. Thankfully he was in his late 30s when we met but to be honest we have the same age gap as your daughter and her boyfriend.
The person to be angry with is the 31 yr old. But then he's probably 18 in his brain too which is why they are happy. As she matures she will outgrow him.
Sadly there is NOTHING you can do. She's legally an adult.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): What can you do? Let it run its course. You can suggest to her, that they always use condoms. Suddenly become cool and calm. Put on an academy-award winning performance, it's all okay with you. It's too late for your hot-headed husband. He blew it!!! Now you play the good-cop. He was the bad-cop.
The less hysteria and meddling on the part of you and your husband; the less you are likely to push them closer together. Her boyfriend is using his emotional influence over her to convince her you are wrong. She is 18, and now it becomes a battle of wills and something to prove. Girls of that age go for the wrong-guys before they go for the ones you think are "appropriate." How soon we adults forget we were once their age, and did the same thing!
My mom was only 16, when my father married her. He was 26.
She graduated early from high school, and was prime for college. Instead, she feel in-love with my father. Her parents just decided, they'd allow it. My dad was good to her, and they had a good life together. He gave us everything. A beautiful home, and eventually sent all his kids to college. We had a good life. It doesn't always workout bad, because of the age-difference. This was many years ago, but it still applies that if you get in the way, they grow closer together. Worst case scenario; they could runaway together. So back-off! The last thing you want is for her to go into isolation; cutoff from you, and under his control!
Your parents, nor your husband's parents; approved of everyone you dated, regardless of age. You're more concerned about her "loss of her virginity," than anything else in this issue. You don't get to pick and choose who she cares about, nor who she sleeps with. Though it may be the case in many cultures to prearrange relationships; parents around the globe still have to deal with the possibility their sons and daughters will choose who they prefer on their own.
You can make all kinds of threats, and you will estrange her. She's obviously the rebellious type; so let her learn the hard way. You can't protect them all their lives, you can only advise them and pray. They usually come home pregnant and regretful; but they need to be a parent, so they can see what they've put you through. They also need to face the consequences of their rebellious ways. They eventually realize everything you've said was true, and all you've tried to do is for their own good.
Give your nerves a rest, my dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): If its only his age that puts you off than its just silly. I personally know so many couple with this age gap and with children, and none even remembers that he s so much older. My husband is 10 years older than me, and i met him when i was 17. we happily live almost 30 years together and have kids. May be this is exactly what your daughter wants, a man who is so much older than her who knows what he wants. what do you want for your daughter at this age? to date and have sex with a bunch of horny 20 years olds who sleep around and god forbid will give her some STD. Boys her age are still experimenting and keep score on how many girls they can bang before settling down. I would rather my daughter has a relationship with an older guy than with a boy her age. And honestly she doesn't need to hear your opinions. She is of legal age, and she is not doing anything wrong
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2015):
 You can't do a darn thing. Your daughter qualifies as an "adult".... so she gets to make mistakes all by herself.
Anything you (or, hubby) sez will be considered interference, and is more likely to be met with further resistance than with acquiescense....
Let her be.... cross your fingers and hope that she doesn't end up with an unexpected baby.... and tell her you love her.... often...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2015):
 She is 18, so legally an adult. And as a parent you can't really dictate whom they decide to love (or just) sleep with.
As a mother of 3 daughter, I feel your anger. Not towards your daughter, but towards the guy. A 13 year gap is HUGE at age 18. But that is also why it might not last, that GAP will make it that much harder for it to work.
For you and your husband to go SO on the offensive and make SUCH a huge deal out of it, you make her WANT TO BE WITH him even more, to PROVE a point to you and her dad. THAT point is, SHE is an adult. HER mistakes, her choices are HERS to make.
You can't make her see that it's "wrong" in YOUR eyes. She obviously care for the guy.
I have a niece who at age 16 worked at a "nanny"/"babysitter" and lived with the family while finishing high school. (she lived there because her mom and dad were in the middle of another separation /divorce/reconciliation - a LOT of drama, to put it mildly. She was offered by the family to live with them, and she took it.
Now I don't know WHEN it started but she developed feelings for the Dad. (yea very cliche) and when the family divorced (the wife of this couple cheated on the husband) she (now 18) started dating the husband, who was 36? TOTALLY inappropriate. ABSOLUTELY inappropriate.
When her OWN mother found out, she made it into SUCH a big deal (like you are) that instead of breaking them up (she even threatened to call the police) my niece stopped talking to her mom. She hasn't spoken to her since (she is 25, so 7 years) and guess what? She is STILL "sort off" dating this man, who is STILL hiding the fact that he is dating her. She is a dirty little secret. However I don't think it will last, as she seems to be realizing that he ISN'T serious about her. She is JUST a bedwarmer.
So what I'm saying it, you have told her, you don't think this is appropriate, you daughter now KNOWS. There isn't more to be said.
IF she comes for advice, talk to her. BUT talk to her as if she REALLY is an adult in your eyes.
As a parent it REALLY sucks when your "child" (even if they are legally an adult) makes choices you don't agree with, but it's NOT your life. Some people make a LOT of mistakes along the way, some learn from them, others don't. YOUR daughter, your baby girl, HAS to make her own.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 February 2015):
There is absolutely nothing that you can do. She is an adult and allowed to make her own decisions and live her life as she sees fit.
Mistake? Possibly so, but only time will tell. My own sister has been married for 23 years to a man 17 years older than her.
I know and understand your instinct is to go all mama bear and protect your baby, but mark my words, any further attempts to make her "see the light" WILL alienate her from your life.
I strongly recommend sucking up your feelings and making a genuine attempt to get to know the man. Perhaps you may end up seeing a small part of what she likes about him.
You don't want to destroy your relationship with her, do you?
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