A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:DearCupid,I am a forty year old mother to two teenage girls. One who is thirteen, and the another one who is fifteen. My husband and I have always taught our daughters right from wrong, or at least we thought. We told them what we did and did not approve of, and we have always sent rules and their would be consequences if these were ever broke.We were once teenagers ourselves, so we understand some situations, so we are more laid back on somethings, but we let them know that it's not right.My fifteen year daughter has had the same boyfriend for about a year now. I approve of this boy. He seemed nice, and was always respectful towards her and our family. He would help my husband carry things and fix things. He was almost part of the family.Well I have just heard recent news that my fifteen year old daughter is pregnant. She didn't come home for two days. (Scared to tell us the news obviously) and when she finally showed up around four o clock this morning she was completely hammered out of her mind and told us the news.I am completely horrified and I feel like I have failed as a mother. My husband and I truly don't know where to go from here. I am not going to abandon my daughter and her baby on the wayBut what are some options? It's clear I do not win Mother of the Year award.Thank you. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Hello, the child is obviously expierencing an emotional rollercoaster bouncing between heartache and a life changing factor. The first thing and most important thing you can do is show your love for her. Do not express dissapointment if she ran away for two days, she obviously cares about your approval now that something has affected her life in such a dramatic way. Give her love and support, i'm very proud your the portion of mothers that give the child part of the descion of keeping the mother, some mothers are ignorant, and ignore a boyfriend, and fill there thoughts and emotions of him as worthless and immediately choose to move there family because of the boy. They find there daughter in love with him at 18 and not so in love with the mother. Try to explain things to your daughter in a very loving way, that you both can establish a strong form of restpect and understanding between each other, other than "your the child, break the rule and this happens". explain to them the stressor that this may cause on you, and your affection for her. You also have to keep in mind you have a 13 year old, and the actions you take can also affect and influence the descions that your 13 year old makes. She may not realize how serious becoming pregnent is, and may take the matter more lightly, or more serious because of your 15 year old. You have to explain to your daughter this
1) establish personal respect, trust, and love
2) establish understanding and acceptance between both parties that you (1) you CANNOT control the descions and actions she makes, or chooses to be a part of, and (2) You do have control over her, legally, and morally as well as an obligation and responsiblity as her mother
3) explain that you don't want to punish her, meet in the middle, she's young but she's pregenent, try and help her cope.
4) I'm unsure because i've never had a pregenent daughter, but try and not to ground her or punish her for this IMMEDIATELY. She is going to bear a child, that is one of the most difficult things anyone can manage and deal with, physicially, socially, and mentally, it will influence her for the rest of her life. Instead, cope with her, if she's more relaxed and happy it will help her make a better descion towards keeping the child.
5) Give her time to think about the decision's she's made that has led her to these situations. talk with her about the solution's, what you think is best, as well as what she think's is best. Do NOT pressure her into making the decision you want! And as well, do not let her make a descion with haste, too quickly, or without thinking it thru.
6) after, everything has been established, have a family meeting, or if it be not comfortable for everyone, speak to her about the descion, do things with her, such as go to the movies or go out, go to the park, lean on your rules. Enjoying driving, and knowing my dad is one of my bestfriends gives me a deep appreciation and love for him, that makes me NOT want to break the rules.
7) explain to your 13 year old alone, that sex can lead to this. Do not scare so she pee's the bed for 4 weeks straight, explain to her that you love her, and the boundries and limits.
8) tell both children that you love them veryy much, and your whole family
9) SPEAK TO THE BOY- It is crucial that you establish rules, and understanding's with the boy. it may be difficult, cause anger, and upsetting emotions. If they want to try and keep the relationship allow it over time. allow restrictions at FIRST,
- keep in mind it is complicated. If she keeps the baby it's best to establish restrictions at first then to allow him to come. Let everyone hangout together, meet with the boy's parents, the relationship seems very long and they may love each other, do not let anyone pull them apart.
-part two
-prepare for the baby or aftermath
loosing a child, or choosing to abort a child,
i can not help you decide what she should do, it's not your deciscion, not her's or anyone else's completely. so work together, because even though she may believe that it's her's and she wants to abort, moving quickly and thinking without thinking thru, or keep it because she loves' disscuss everything together, pray
and i'll pray for you
-javin
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):
I know someone who aborted a child. Wanting "the easy way out" was the farthest thing from her mind when she made that choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): continuing with my answer... Both her boyfriend and her parents worked to set up a timeframe to raise the baby while Emily and her boyfriend were at school. But Emily was the one who was responsible for her baby while out of school. In the middle of the night it was her who got up to take care of the baby and on weekends it was her also. You have four parents and two teens thats six people who can help take care of this baby. I wont sugarcoat it it'll be hard. But you can get through this.
Also you still have your 13 year old to consider. Speak to her about what's happened. Oh and tell her that if she does start having sex to come to you and you wil buy her birth control. While it may seem unethical to you it will keep her safe from being in this situation. My mother has always told me that if I ever decided to start having sex to come to her and she would buy me birthcontrol no questions asked. Although it may be awkward at least the 13 year old wont get pregnant at a young age also. If they are going to "do it" keep them safe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): Well you do have three options although personaly (and politcally) I am 100% against abortion. Remember though you arent the only parents suffering. Her boyfriends parents need to be brought into this discusion as well. While the baby may be in your daughter body it is still her boyfriends child and his parents grandchild also. You arent a bad mother at all. Theres thinks parents tell us that we hear and listen to (speaking as an 18 year old girl) but when we are in the situation and emotions get involved we will sometimes "bend" (or break) the rules that have been set because of our emotions. Don't be to hard on your daughter she's obviously suffering if it took her being completely drunk to come home and tell you. She's also obviously scared. Personally I feel that if your daughter gets an abortion it would be seen as an... easy way out. If you chose adoption (speaking as the daughter of a social worker) I can guarentee you that the baby will be deeply wanted and very loved. In foster care people give their right leg to try and get a baby placed into their home. If you chose to keep the baby (which reading your message is what I'm guessing you will decide to do) you won't be completely left holding the bag (or baby). The boyfriends parents Need! to be involved in the child life also.
If this helps at all I can at least give you one success story of a teen-age pregnance. My friend Emily (Age 16) and her 18 year old boyfriend recently had a baby. Emily was on homebound for a while but she was still given her homework. Her grades did not drop her teachers worked with her to help her get in her assignments and achieve the highest grade possible. The school worked with her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): There isn't much angry stuff you could yell at her that she doesn't already think about. All you can do is help her deal with what has already happened.
First off, tell her that either she can have one more drink in the next 9 months, or she can be pregnant. Not both. Tell her that if you catch her drinking again then you will demand an abortion on the spot. (Maybe you couldn't go through with it, but make her think you would.)
I don't understand the huge objection that so many people have with abortions, at least very early ones. It's not a perfect solution, but WHAT WOULD BE? Adoption? Keeping the child? There are basically 3 options once the child has been conceived, and no matter which one you pick it's fraught with long term emotional consequences. None of them is an easy way out in my opinion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): I hope this will be flagged as a follow up, so all you guys know that I have a response to your answers.
I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to answer this question. I've spoken to my daughter about her options and what she would like to do. We also had a sit down with his parents as well this evening.
We've all come to an agreement that these two should keep the baby. They have agreed to this too.
Her boyfriend is going to get a job at my husbands business. As our familys are both very wealthy but they both need to take responsiblity as well.
Thankfully there are classes for those who are pregnant in our home town - incase my daughter does not want to carry her child around amongst other teenagers. This has not been decided though.
We are also going to schedule a doctors appointment. I pray to the lord that my doctor won't pay for her mistakes. My sister has FAS and thats something I truly don't want my Grandson or Granddaughter to pay for.
So please keep this in your prayers. Thank you all for your support and time to answer this question. I will keep you all posted.
God Bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): I'm sorry that you're being confronted with this. With daughters around the ages of yours, I certainly had a shiver go up my spine.
As parents all we can do is try to make sure our kids understand our values. By a certain age, though, we've had our shot at it. Yes, we still make rules and try to keep them safe while they live under our roof, but by 15 there's not much else we can do about values.
Bless you for letting her know that she's still loved and that you will stand by her. That's important if she's going to recover from this mistake and still manage to make something of her life.
I don't think you have more than three options: adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby. Although it seems trendy now for girls to keep the baby, I have to think that it's *you* who will be stuck caring for the baby, and probably raising the child as well. Ask yourself if you really want to do that before you let her seriously entertain that as an alternative.
Particularly if abortion is off the table, it's imperative that your daughter not drink. You said she came home "hammered" -- it doesn't take much exposure to alcohol for the baby to be afflicted by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. For goodness sake make sure your daughter reads up on that!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): What she did is NOT your fault..! You are a great mother..it was her mistake..I would talk to her about if she was ready or not..and stuff like that!
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A
female
reader, meg2989 +, writes (20 July 2009):
 You cant blame yourself. All you can do is teach your daughter right from wrong, love her, and be there for her when she needs you. Then eventually you have to let her make decisions for herself. While she may not have made the right decision, you have to support her now based on what she wants to do with the child. Of course she has to choose between adoption, abotion, or keeping the baby, each is a difficult choice that will affect her. From what you said Im guessing she having the baby, just try to be there for her make sure she takes her prenatals and goes to her doctors appointments. Make sure she gets into a program or night school to help her finish highschool or get her working on her GED. Try to have her get a part time job or full time ( since its summer but she is preggers idk how far along or if shes up to workin full time) No drinking or smoking or any of that, as you know. I know its hard for you and your family, but please dont think its your fault. Sometimes people just need to find there own way and maybe this is just part of letting her find it. After she has the baby or if she chooses to abort it, afterwards you will need to help her find a type of birthcontrol thats right for her. For instance Im insanely allergic to bc pills no idea why, but my mom was too, so diaphrams, spermicide and condoms work for me. Well thats seems to be all the advice I can give you. You have every right to be angry with her, but I'm sure shes feeling pretty guilty as well. Good luck, and whatever she chooses I hope it works out for you and your family. Please message me if you need anything, even just someone to talk to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): All you can do is support her.just because you set rules out doesnt mean kids are going to obey some of them cos well we are kids...like you say you were one once and know what we kids are like.unfortunately one of the worst things has happened and if your daughter decides to keep the baby first make sure she knows how difficult it will be.As I say please support her in whatever decision she makes as im sure she`ll respect you later for it.You havent failed as a mother and you actually do win mother of the year award if you support her.As you say you are going to support her for this whilst other people may just pretend they dont know their daughters anymore as I know one of them.i wish you lots of good luck in this but it will be okay.
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A
female
reader, MIzzCC19  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Ask your daughter what she wants to do? Does she want to keep the baby, if not tell her there are options that do not just involve her having an abortion. I understand that you as a mother feel like you have failed but allowing your children to make their own mistakes and to learn from them will allow them to grow as human beings. This doesn't mean you have failed as a parent. If your daughter wants to keep this baby or not I respect that you will not abandon her as her mother you are doing the right thing by stading by her through what ever she chooses.It is only natuaral that you feel disappointed as you expect your children to do things with their lives and being a young mum doesn't usually cross a parent's mind when thinking of their child's future. I really do not see many options for you only to be a good mum and stick by your daughter through her choice as you have already said you will. Let her know that you will help her with anything she needs advice one or help with.I hope that this helps.
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