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female
age
41-50,
*hocked at first
writes:My daughter is 12 almost 13! I know what I'm getting ready to say ppl will think I'm nuts. Yes what I have to say is normal, but I am a single mom, I work and go to school! I have my own buisness so I could always be home with her! I have done this since 2005! Now I'm not sure what I should do about the situation! I do in ways feel like its my fault! But I also know its not the end of the world! Okay guys I need your advice here goes don't laugh please just give me your thoughts on how to handle this: Okay my daughter will be 13 soon! She is very mature for her age! If you know what I mean!! Shes well filled out! Shes a beautiful young lady, sweet and caring with A LOT of friends! She stayed the night with one of her friends last nite and while I was at work the mom called to let me know she caught her 15 yr old son and my 12 yr old daughter kissing!!!! Yes I know its natural to experiment, but the age thing is what gets me!!! So they waited until the sister fell asleep then I guess decided to do a little kissing! I was floored!! Total shock! Maybe because shes my only child and I love her sooo much! I just want her to be a kid as long as she can! I try to tell her b4 this happened that she needs to stop trying to grow up so fast! Shes well developed already looks like shes 16! The whole thing makes me sad most of all! Normally I would have picked her up and started bitchin but all I could do was say Im so upset and I cant talk to you about it right now!! I love you so much and thats the only reason I tell you about trying to grow up so quickly!! And I cried Yes I did quietly bawl behind my sunglasses! She knows how emotional I am anyway so that didn't surprise her, but when she did realize I was crying she began to cry 2!!! When we got home she went to sleep so we haven't really talked about it! I did take her phone away! I don't want her thinking she can get by with doing things she knows she shouldn't either! Like I said earlier I do work and go to school and this summer has been a challange for me- so out of guilt I let her run stayin at her friends and spending alot of time with her dad who lives at his mothers..... It's a long story! I just know that my being so busy took my eye off of her! Even though I am going to school to make a better life for us both! This is my last semester of school so thats great! Just give me your thoughts on how I should handle this! Should I make a big hugh deal out of it? Or just talk to her more! Believe me I've talked the talked many times over about choices, decissions, consequences! I want to make sure she will always come to me and not be scared to do so! Thanks you all I appreciate it! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Hi, I'm 13. Your daughter was probs a tad mortified that you found out! It's good you talk about things but don't bring it up too much or she'll feel your being to protective or 'embarrassing' and won't tell you things. There is a big age differencebut it depends on what the boy is like! My sister (16) is going out with a 19 yr old who is the son of a family friend, he is the nicest, most hilarious and kindest person she has ever went out with! Keep the communication but keep the Boundaries! Talking about boys is for with your friends. Everything else? Your mammy knows best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2011): it is normale for her thinking of. .boys that age . I mean she got her frist kiss . But she needs to take it slow . U are doing the rite thing talking to her about the things . But also be sure to talk to her about masturbateing it will help her sexual thoughts it will also teacher her how sex is going to feel and get her ready for sex when she gets older . Theirs nothing wrong with masturbateing it is total safe and normale for her to do . Not trying to be mean or anything . Just trying to help u . So please be sure to talk to her about masturbateing if she doesnt know how to do it just take some time and show her oh to do it
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 October 2011):
 glad you talked to her and feel better.
if she's nearly 13 and well developed (as I was) I'm assuming she already gets her period... it's hard when hormones kick in.
keep those lines of communication open with her and make sure she knows she can come to you no matter what so that she can be safe...
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Hi,Told you everything was going to be ok... :)I am so glad that you had the talk, and that you and your daughter are closer than before.... So happy, so glad, you did well, I knew everything was going to be ok, your daughter is a smart girl, because I had a very good impression of you reading your post, so I knew...I just want to let you know that, you are wrong thinking she will no longer need you anymore, and that you will be alone. NEVER, you will be alone. She will need you forever... The older I got, the more I needed my mom, and the more I appreciate her, you have no idea. You are the most important person in the world to her, your daughter will need you to every stage of her life, now is growing up, school, later marriage, kids, life, she will always need you... You are her mom, and her best friend, I am sure..You are an amazing mom, be proud...Sincerely, Best wishes to you, and your sweet daughter
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reader, shocked at first +, writes (9 October 2011):
shocked at first is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWanted to thank each and everyone of you for posting! You don't know how much each of you helped me!! I am 4ever gratful! :) We had a long talk and I told her that yes its natural to be having these feelings, however, I don't like the fact it was with a 15 yr old boy. She needs to pick um closer to her own age! I told her I always wanted her to come and talk to me about anything! We had another bird and bee conversation! I told her she can ask me anything anytime and I wouldn't get upset or mad! As your momma I am here to do the best I can to teach you what I know so you will have the tools to make better decissions when you became an adult! We really bonded! We have always been close but now we are on a higher level! It just makes me sad very sad ya'll that my baby aint no baby!!! That has always tore my heart out knowing one day she won't ever need me then Im here alone! I do wish sumtimes I had more children. She has been my life for soooo long not sure if I can let her go!!! K that makes me super sad, so again thanx I really do appreciate all you thoughtfulness! :))
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reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 October 2011):
The problem here is that your concern over her and your emotional reaction will make her feel that she has done something wrong, something bad. The truth is, she hasn't. She is starting to develop sexually at an age where she is physically becoming ready, and it is natural that she will start to express herself sexually in ways that are appropriate for her age, such as kissing. You are terrified about this, but your concern over this can have a negative impact on her. It is good that you are concerned for your child, I am not saying you shouldn't be, it is a good thing, but she probably felt good about kissing that boy until she saw your reaction, and now she feels like what she did might have been wrong and that she has upset you or made a bad choice, disappointed you, or failed you in some way. It is not in her interests to associate her sexuality with feeling bad or guilty, and it is not in your interests for her to feel like her sexuality upsets you, she will either feel bad about herself that she has that part in her, or she will distance herself from you as she explores it.
You need to trust her. You can let her know you are concerned but be aware that you can't live her life for her. You can educate her, for example, that she may start to feel physically ready for experiences that she isn't yet emotionally ready for, and that she should take her time and wait for things to feel right, but ultimately you need to trust her.
You also need to communicate with her. If I were you, I would sit her down and tell her that you know that you reacted emotionally when she found out. Tell her that you were shocked, because you weren't expecting it, and because you had forgotten how grown up she is becomming, so it took you by surprise, but that you don't want her to feel like she did anything wrong, that it is natural for her to be curious. Tell her that it is important to you that she knows that you trust her, and that she should use her judgement to make decisions that she thinks are good for her. Ask her about her experiences, ask her if she has any questions, volunteer information. This is a chance for you to take your relationship to a new level.
It is also important that you set some boundaries here. If you feel that a boy of a certain age is too old for her, that the gap in maturity is too great, you need to speak to her about it. Realise that there are limits to what you can control, but you don't want to give her free reign without your guidance too. That is for you to decide, but I would get her involved in the decision making process.
These can be difficult conversations, they can be as difficult for parents as they can be for the kids, but communication is the key. Finally, try not to be unfairly hard on yourself. It is extremely hard to be a single mom working and studying, you sound like you are doing a great job and your care and concern for your child will be an example to her. Give yourself a pat on the back for doing the best job you are able to at any given time, and trust that she has the intuition to help her make the choices that are best for her when you are not able to be there to give her the answers. That is an important part of life, she will make mistakes like we all do, the most you can do is give her the best support you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): My best friend's first kiss was at 12, but her relationship with the boy never grew. In fact, they realized they weren't ready for a relationship. I don't think this is a big problem and this boy will want sex or anything from her, but what I do think you should do is tell her the facts, just in case. If she covers her ears and runs from the room when you try, just get her a book. Thats what my mom did. Most girls are curious, but talking to their parents is not acceptable. I reccomend "Its a girl thing" by mavis jukes. It covers everything from periods to sex to stds to things like bulimia to saying no. Some girls at first (like me) will throw it under their beds and not think or talk about it. But eventually they'll take it out and read it in secret, returning it to it's hiding place every night (like me). I hope everything turns out well for your daughter and you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): People seem to forget that they were young once, it is totally normal and you should not overreact about it. There is nothing you can do to stop her growing up although like other posters have said it would be a good time to talk about sex otherwise you will be even more worried. good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Your sounding like you feel guilty or something about doing so much and not spending time w her? I wouldn't. I can understand where you are coming from though. I too am a single mom of a son close to your daughters age and am about your age. He is also my one and only. It's hard to hold onto your "babies", you want to protect them from the world. Unfortunately we cannot, we have to allow their independence to emerge and hope all that wisdom we impart in them will serve them well when we are not there.You sound like a nice and nurturing mom. I agree with the earlier comment that you should talk with your daughter about the birds and bees and safe sex. I would let her know that though you disapprove you are supportive of her and trust her. I am sure she will if she has not already instilled your values in her decision making and make those right choices.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 October 2011):
 No, don't make a big deal out of it. Cue the "birds and bees talk". This is where you take the opportunity to educate her on the legal age of consent for your state, birth control, sex, etc. Not that you're encouraging her to have sex, you're just educating and encouraging her to talk to you about boys...and when she's ready to have sex. She's into older boys and soon they'll put the pressure on her to go further than just kissing. It's best to imbed morals and values in her at an early age.
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reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (8 October 2011):
Hi,I don't have children of my own, but I am same age as you, so I can sympathize with you. You are a wonderful person, mom, hard working, and I can understand how this have affected you. Of course, you knew this day will come, but I don't blame you for you to react this way. Since you are a single mom, you are very protective of your daughter. I am sure that because you are a single mom, your daughter is more mature than other girls her age. I am sure the relationship you have with her, more than a mother, you both are probably best friends. I don't think this is funny, I think is very sweet that you feel this way. If I had a daughter I am sure I would react the same way. Don't panic, unfortunately this is only the beginning.... This is the age when your little girl is becoming a young female adult. I am sure you know that, we all been there. We cannot stop time, we cannot control your daughter feelings. My best advice, be calm, supportive, and "always" give her good guidance. Make sure she understands the consequences of bein with a boy, pregnancy, STD, etc. Talking to her, giving her advice is the best way I lost my mother 10 years ago, she was my best friend... I think I did ok during the teenage years. Tell her that she might feel a little uncomfortable to talk about boys, sex with you in the beginning, but make sure she understands that you love her very much, that all you are doing is taking care of her, and looking after her. Tell her that if in any way she feels you are being controlling, it's not because you don't trust her, but because you only want the best for her. Tell her that you understand her feelings, that it's normal to feel this way, but she needs to be careful, specially getting pregnant and STD.Hope you are ok, don't feel overwhelmed, everything will be ok, you seems like a lovely lady, and a wonderful mom. I am sure your daughter will be ok, as long as you give her guidance, and support. Also, I am sure you have many mom friends, so talk to them for advice too. Good luck!
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