A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok... So I'm to the point now where I could really use some advice, I just don't kno what more I can do to make my fella see sense and for once in our whole bloody relationship trust me! He's so paranoid about everything... Thinks I'm not good enough for him, thinks I'll find someone better and run off with them, thinks I've lied to him about my past when I haven't, he actually sits there admitting he doesn't believe me than says he does but wishes the 'lie' was true... I've done everything I can think of to reassure him, constantly telling him how amazing he is and how lucky I feel, the sex is truely amazing and I make sure he knows it too! I'm with him 24/7 (because if I'm away from him for like 10 mins I'm lying about something or seeing someone I 'shouldn't' ) I've even tried ignoring it and hoping it goes away, I've practically lost all my friends because if I talk to them or show them attention I 'don't care about him' he says that as we have each other I shouldn't need 'other peoples attention' he's not in anyway violant though. He's actually really soft and sweet but it just feels like in a way he's trying to control me... We have an 11 week old baby boy together are supposed to be getting married in march, we live together, I don't even have my own mobile phone to stop him worrying if I do speak to someone.... I need help with this, I've asked him to get help via doctors and yet he can't leave me to get the help fir fear I'll find someone else in the hr or so he's gone! He even went ad far once as disconnecting the broadband while he took a 10 minute trip to the local shop! He knows we need to spend some time apart every now and again and for the first time a few days ago I popped to the pub for one drink with his sister in law, he phoned after 25mins saying I'd been gone 2 hrs, there was 5 other people there, an old man, the bartender and wife and a couple in their 40s they were watching who wants to be a millionair and shouted out an answer or something and he got angry saying sone 'bloke' was telling me to get off the phone, he then proceeded to bring out my then 10 week old baby at 9.30 at night with nothing but a vest in in the freezing cold to stalk me at the pub thinking I was with another man.... He's getting worse not better and I don't kno what to do.... I love him so much but right now I hate him as well, I've never given him any reason to doubt me, plaese help me me!
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male
reader, Universe Man  +, writes (9 August 2010):
Okay, fair enough. But you've tried helping him by being completely open to his invasions of your privacy and his restrictions on your freedom, right? And you say he's getting worse, not better. So it's time to try the opposite. Tell him that it simply is not okay for him to question your faithfulness if he has no logical reason for it. I think your opening yourself up to his scrutiny and accusation satisfied some urge within him. Take that away, and the urge will go away. Go spend time with friends and family and don't let him check up on you or interrogate you. Tell him that's what normal people do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to answer this but I kno my guy is NOT CHEATING we are together all the time and altho I'm sure he wishes he had the power to be in two places at once that's just not possible! Lol I wanted to kno how to make him feel more secure in our relationship he has the paranoia because his farther comitted suicide when he was 9yrs old after his mother had cheated on him with his business partner and tried to steal his buisness. He has also been cheated on by his exs in the past admittedly perhaps due to him pushing them away with his paranoia but I really do love him and I kno he loves me and doesn't intentionally hurt me with his accusations. I just really want him to get better and I don't kno what more I can do to help him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I was also in a relationship like this,constantly spent my time reassuring him,how much i loved him trying to prove all the time i was not lying he was so paranoid i began to be afraid of seeing him because i knew what was coming and it was making me so unhappy he dumped me eventualy as he said i had cheated which i had not,but i know it was because he was and used that as an excuse to end us,i am happy and no longer afraid to enjoy my life
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (8 August 2010):
Listen, because this is important. The ones who cannot trust anyone are the ones who are not trustworthy. My guess is he cheats on you all over town, all the damn time. I'm sorry, but that's what I think. You need to turn the tables on him. Tell him that it suddenly occurred to you that the reason he thinks you're cheating is because he is cheating. Every time he brings it up, remind him that he has no reason not to trust you and then remind him that paranoia is a sign of guilt. And ask him again what he is guilty about. Tell him that any restriction on your privacy and freedom is only fair if he agrees to the exact same treatment from you.
On another note, be very, very careful with this man, because honestly he sounds like a psychopath who could turn violent. You should seriously consider ending this relationship or at least tell him that things have got to drastically and immediately change or you are going to leave him. You should spend a LOT more time apart, with supportive family and friends, starting today. It is time for you to take charge of this relationship because you are the sane adult. Good luck.
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