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anonymous
writes: I have recently found out my mum is having an affair. My parents have never really got on in the past 10 years. I dont know weather or not to confront her or even mention it to my brother. Please help
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 November 2005):
 First point: Do not mention this to your brother. You don't know that anything actually happened. Right now you only *think* something did. Leave your brother out of the equation for now.
Second point: Please note that the dictionary definition of "confront" is: "To come face to face with, especially with defiance or hostility", so no, you should definitely not "confront" your mum about this. You have no right to be hostile, defiant or confrontational about this matter, since what you "discovered" might just be a misunderstanding on your part, and whatever happened (or didn't) you don't run your mum's life. Until and unless you've actually witnessed your mum cheating on your dad, what you have is a suspicion.
But, yes, you should SPEAK to her about it. If you want to bring up a matter of an adult nature with her, and presuming that you want to be taken seriously, you need to address the matter as an adult. So, make sure that you're alone with your mum somewhere (in the kitchen, out in the garden etc) and bring up the matter in a non-confrontational way. Say something along the lines of: "Mum, I saw something the other day that confused me, and I was hoping that you could tell me what's going on..." Then go on to say what you actually saw. Anything beyond that is up to her.
The thing that you need to remember in this circumstance is that you can't make other people act in the way you want them to. If your folks' marriage is suffering, you can't make them get along, or make them go back to loving each other. In long-term relationships, just as in short ones, sometimes people's feelings for each other change. It sounds - if they've been struggling for ten years - that this may be happening with your parents. It's sad, but it's beyond your control.
Your mum should be the one to clarify matters to you, and she should also be the one to tell the rest of your family, if she actually has anything to tell. Keep this between yourself and your mum for now, and let her be the one to bring it up with your dad and brother, if that becomes necessary.
Good luck dear.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2005): Yes, I do think you need to talk to your Mother about this. And I'm so sorry this is happening your family. In most cases, our Mom's are the persons we all trust most in the world, so this betrayal likely feels painful and devastating. I don't like the word "confront" here. Talk to her, but don't 'confront' her. She may get defensive if you attack her with this information. This is information which she probably didn't expect you to find out, in the first place, so tell her calmly but firmly, you need to ask her something and you hope she'll answer you honestly, and see what she says. You need to give her a chance to explain, apologize and make a decision on what comes next. Let's hope she immediately ends her affair, now that she knows you are aware of it. Sometimes, this is all it takes for a parent who is doing this, to finally come to their senses. No, your brother need not know..what benefit would this information be to him. Talk to her first and see what she does. Good Luck and I wish you the best, dear
Hugs,
Irish
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