A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to a Luo Kenyan (we just celebrated 9 years mid-August). We have a 5 and 6 year old girl and boy. We both live away from our families, he, obviously much farther than I as we live in the US. Lately things have been strained b/c #1 I have not offered support to him regarding a deliquent brother he has that is here in the US as well. #2 My mother-in-law who was supposed to stay with us for one year back in 2003 has never left. #3 During our marriage my brother was killed, my father died of cancer the day after I gave birth to my daughter and 30 days later we moved 3 hours away from my support system (family) due to a better job offer for him. His brother was also killed in a motorcycle accident in Kenya which left us with 4 orphans to financially care for on top of whatever else he sent back to family in Kenya. Subsequently during our marriage he earned an MBA and another MS and has made significant upward moves with positions in his field. I on the other hand have taken care of the children and his mother and the home while working a menial part time job in a bank even though i do have a BA. I accept that decision and would not change it. Now I have started back to school for my MS. My husband travels our of the country quite a lot for his job. I would say he missed a significant portion of the childrens lives due to that. Not that they do not know him and they adore him immensely and have a very good relationship with him when he is around. Additionally, his mother has obviously been involved their entire lives. #4 My mother moved in with us within the last year after spending 5 years with my grandmother (her mother in law) during her grieving process. It seems to me my children are closer to my mother than his even though she's been with them less time. Due to this recent issue with my husbands brother, since I have not supported this latest escapade, I was told I was no longer part of 'them'(meaning his family b/c in his culture the woman leaves her family and becomes part of the man's family) . Because I decided to take my children to visit with my side of the family which had been planned for months and the latest escapade of the brother had only occurred in the last 2 weeks before the planned visit. Upon return from my one week absence I was scorned for awhile and then things returned somewhat to 'normal'. My husband had taken his 2 week summer vacation from work, we did some things together as a family, worked on our recently bought home etc.In the background, loomed the date of Sept 2nd as the pre-lim hearing for his brother. He stopped talking about it to me when I came home. I didn't even know if he was going or not until I heard him leave at 5am. Now I sit and wait to see if the charges will stick or not. Obviously, if there is a particular bad outcome for the case my children, mother and I will have to leave this house immediately. If the outcome I hope for then things can proceed as 'normal'. But what I have learned in the last few months about this family we formed is that I'm not particularly happy with how things are turning out. It may be because my mother fuels the discord. I don't know. But also I've not gotten along with his mother for at least the past 2-3 years now anyway. He has definately told me he will fight for the children and fight dirty. That's fine I can fight dirty too. Anyone can. I would like to go back to my hometown which is 3 hours from where we live now. but then I would feel guilty cos its like i would be keeping him from seeing the kids being so far away. Take the brother out. Take the mother in laws out and I think we would be just fine. But we can't do that and I'm not sure what I need to do or where I can turn. Frankly, this new road I thought we could forge as a multicultural family is becoming hard to continue. I'm tired of the cultural differences. I esp tired of them always being an issue. I'm tired of coping with some lies that we started out the marriage on (nothing major just things he was embarrassed about from skeletons in his family closet). I don't care for how he treats the children sometimes. and I feel that now that I am out of the loop about the brother (which is the way I want it) we have lost a lot of the communication we had developed but communnication has always been a pretty significant problem with in the marriage. he just doesn't feel like I need to know somethings which annoys me. I guess I'm just looking for an objective opionion about this situation away from my friends and family who obviously all side with me.
View related questions:
grandmother, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Thanks for the followup. The Brother in lw=aw / priest, is in trouble with the law? Yikes your life really is full of troubles. I really wasn't questioning your decision to take in your mother and mother in law. What I was doing was tallying up your stress load. You are under a tremendous amount of stress. The communication problems in your marriage are likely a symptom of that stress. I'm not sure how to tell you to fix it, but I think you should realize where the problem likely is before you start a break up.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFA- it was out of necessity that both have ended up with us, its not really a choice i could have made it was the way it HAD to be and I had to adapt (as did he when my mother moved in)
Anonymous F - I'm certainly not afraid of a custody battle. I know the scales of justice tip in my favor in that regard. I just feel guilty about taking the kids away from the only familial situation they have ever know. But I've also researched that this is one of the 'better' ages to make the separation.
Mizz.butterflies - the brother is a priest, can't marry LOL, We've had this discussion a thousand times. He feels hes given up as much if not more than I and I also feel I've given up as much if not more than he. I would have sent MIL away to live with him if that was possible a LONG time ago LOL!
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 September 2010):
Well to tell you the truth I can't think of anything more impossible than living with a mother and a mother in law. I'm amazed that you have made it this far. There must be quite a bond to keep you together in that circumstance.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): I am sorry to hear about all these difficulties. It is very difficult trying to keep everyone happy, especially mothers in law, and cultural differences obviously add to this.
My advice to you be that IF you are, or think you might have to, seriously consider moving back to your family, then I think you should see a lawyer and get some preliminary advice on where you stand, what you can do and what you should expect. From what you say, especially with regard to you having been doing the majority of the parenting, I would not think that any court would take your children away in case this turned into a custody battle. Moreover this delinquent brother is also a bad influence, which does not look good on your husband's part. It sounds to me like you need support which he and his mother do not offer you, and it is important for your kids to have a strong and content mother. If this means going back home, well, maybe that's what you should do. You need to be happy too, and it sounds as though you are not, which, from you post, is understandable in my opinion.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (2 September 2010):
 tell him he needs to respect ur culture also,as uve been brought up differently than he has. go out to dinner with him and discuss this away from home,on a neutral ground. remind him all the nice times u had and state u do wanna be with him but u cant always be the one making the sacrifice.
if this doesnt work ....get his brother a wife? and ask ur mother to live with his mother in another house.
...............................
|
