A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my story goes like this. My girlfriend and I started having some major problems around March of 2010, which culminated in May. We were having alot of trouble because she was generally unhappy with her job, and kept bringing problems home. After asking me for advice and help she turned the situation on me and accused me of trying to lecture her about her situation. I felt the situation at home was getting pretty bad, and that I was becoming the scapegoat to her problems.Coming home started to become more and more of a struggle as I knew what was expecting me when I arrived. As time went on, I started to talk to new people and go out, to get away from the bad situation here at home and to experience something fresh. Along the way, I met women and we flirted. Nothing more than talking ever occurred. While I knew flirting and communicating with these women on a casual basis was wrong I found myself thinking "they fill my time, while my girlfriend is sorting herself out". This didn't make it right, and didn't make the situation at home any better. However at the time, it was easier to go out and enjoy someones company than to deal with the disaster that was becoming my day-to-day life. Things eventually came to a head in late April. I was fed up with arguing and fighting and refused to do it at all. I was spending alot of time on the road, just to get away from all the fights. Her father invited her to go away for a weekend. That week she told me she was going away and that when she came back she wanted a decisions as to whether we would continue as a couple or not. I was angry, and filled my weekend between going out and watching TV. The night she left I was very angry, I felt as though I had invested alot into our relationship and was getting the raw end of a deal over her unhappiness and refusal to do anything to change her situation. I decided to go out. I met up with my ex girlfriend, whom I consider to be a friend and nothing more. She was a bit drunk and tried to throw herself at me. I declined. I wasn't interested in revisiting that chapter in my life, and also knew she was in a bad way as she was going through her own set of problems. My ex was upset at me, but after talking to her and calming her down, we and a few of her friends went out to a local bar to have a few drinks. My ex got too drunk that night, and I had to drive her to her house, which thankfully was a few blocks from the bar. I took her back to her house and made sure she was ok, and then took off. Nothing happened whatsoever. I went back to the bar, and met up with her friends and continued to enjoy the evening. Eventually it got late, we went back to one of her friends house, and watched TV for a bit. Eventually it was time to go, and one of her friends, and myself left. In the parking lot, the girl asked me if I wanted to smoke with her. Normally I wouldn't have, but with all the frustration, I decided why not. So we went to her car and smoked. She tried to kiss me, but I declined. Even though I was drinking and now smoking, I still remembered why I was angry and didn't feel it was right because I was still in a relationship. Eventually she went home, and I was too blitzed to drive, so I fell asleep in my truck for a few hours. When I was better, I drove home and went to bed. My girlfriend came back that day, and immediately started in on me. I got the feeling she was trying to force the breakup. So after taking note of the last few months, and noticing the way things were going with the constant arguments, I just decided to call it what it was and break it off. We were still living together, so I had to start the trek to start looking at places to move out. My now former girlfriend, immediately took to going out. She was hanging out with a group of friends, that even she considered to be "hoes". I wasn't happy about it, but decided it wasn't my place. I got the impression that she was hanging out with these girls to send a message to me, that she can just go out and hit the clubs and forget me. It bothered me, but I was trying to keep it together. I started going to the gym alot, and going out with friends, and just generally trying to make the best of the situation. After a few days I noticed she was hardly coming home. She would leave in the early mornings and come home late late at night. At this point I started staying home more, doing the daily chores around the house, and working a more intense fitness routine at the gym to keep me motivated, and distracted. My friends would talk alot, and eventually my closest friend told me that I had to face the fact that she was probably sleeping with someone at this point, and that all the signs where pointing to it. I kinda had that inclination too, but tried to keep it to myself. I believe I just wasn't ready to hear the answer. After my friend told me, his thoughts it put me over the edge to ask. The next time she came home, I asked her, and she said that she was not seeing or sleeping with anyone. I got the impression that she wasn't being honest with me, but let it go as to not overstep my boundaries. I knew she was mad at me, and even questioned sharply why I was asking. So I dropped it, and continued my routines of staying home more and working out, and going out from time to time. That night I went out. I met up with one of the girls I had gone to the bar with, for namesake, we'll call her Amanda. Me and her had been talking alot, and flirting and had gone to dinner and drinks. We were spending time, and there was an interest, but I didn't want to be on a rebound, it was just refreshing to spend time with someone else. Thats not to say the tension wasn't there. That night, we met at her friend Christina (namesake again) house. We were having drinks and watching a movie. I got the feeling that I should take off, because of work, and because emotionally I was wrecked and didn't want to put myself in a situation where I would do something I'd like but regret later. So I decided to call it an night and go home. Amanda insisted on walking me to my truck. We talked and laughed, and then before I left we kissed. It was pleasant when it happened, but as I drove away, I felt terrible. As a few more days passed I started spending more time at home, and so did my now recent ex. She started offering to help with the chores. I told her, that if she was interested in doing the chores to just do them, as I had done them while she had been away without any direction. I was still mad because it was as if she was walking on eggshells around me, over things that didn't matter. One morning I went out to breakfast with my ex (the drunken one). As I said I consider her a friend. I broached the conversation with her, without explaining alot of the details of our relationship, and the situation with kissing Amanda. Eventually she came out and said, if you want to get back with her, or want to take steps to work things out, you need to tell her what happened with Amada before anything. I decided she was right, and after breakfast came home and told my live-in ex that we needed to talk. I went on to tell her what happened. Please keep in mind that over the time that she was staying home we had been talking again. I explained to her what happend with Amanda first. Then immediately asked her if she needed to tell me anything, if she had been seeing, sleeping, or been physical with anyone. She said again that she hadn't. We spent the next 4 hours talking, and reworking our relationship. Eventually, we were laughing and things started to feel like we were going to recover. She went to go take a shower, as we decided to go grocery shopping. I started getting ready, and was elated that things were looking up. When she came out of the shower, she came into the room, and said "I have to tell you something", my heart dropped. She then proceeded to cry and to tell me that she slept with Dan (namesake). It was some guy that she knew from high school. I was devastated. Confused. Angry. Sad. Shocked. But mostly disappointed. I was too taken back at the moment to really put things together. I sucked it up for the time as best I could and we went grocery shopping. I left her go off, and called my friend on my cell and walked the store. I told him what had happened. He wasn't surprised and tried to give me the best advise he could. Advise that I feel now perhaps I should have taken. He told me I need to take time to myself. Eventually we got home. I asked for the story in painstaking detail. It never added up to me for a few reasons. She went on to tell me that her friend Karrie (Namesake) the girl she considered in her own words a "hoe", had people come over. They were drinking and playing beer pong etc...etc, and that Dan had come over along with his friends. She said she was really depressed and that people were noticing it. Dan did, and came and talked to her, and found it the right time to tell her how much he wanted to be with her at that moment. She of course didn't shy away. They talked out on the porch of Karrie's house, and they eventually kissed. After the get-together was over, they Karrie, and my ex at time Sharon (namesake), went to Dan's house where he lived with a friend. According to Sharon they had gone over there because Karrie wanted to have sex with Dan's friend, and she went under the pretenses of watching a movie. The story goes. While Karrie and Dan's friend where having sex, Sharon and Dan were watching a movie. Dan started kissing, and touching, eventually taking off Sharon's clothes. He invited her over to his bed, where the touching and kissing continued. According to Sharon, he took off his pants, and eventually pulled out a condom. They had sex, and when it was over she claims that she couldn't even look at him. (note that this was about a week and a half into our break up)The reason I don't buy the story is, she claims that she didn't want any of this to happen, but kissing, touching, and someone taking off your clothes are all things that people would react to, either with acceptance, or with rejection. Another part that has never made any sense to me, is when she saw the condom, and say him putting it on, she knew what was going to happen, but didn't say no. She claims that she had let things go so far unwillingly that she didn't know how to stop it. Also the fact that she participated in the activity (position wise). She claims that he was dictating what he wanted, and she just followed suit. Which I haven't been able to accept. Even through all of her apologies, I haven't been able to move forward.The night she told me we had sex. Perhaps it was emotions, confusions, but after it was over I felt disgusted with myself. I got up, went to the bathroom and vomited. After I cleaned myself up, I went into the pantry and grabbed a bottle of brandy and proceeded to drink it down. I was really drunk, very very fast and ended up in the ER that night. I took the next day to recover. She stayed with me that day. We have been together ever since. I still love her. In August I bought an engagement ring and asked her to marry me. She accepted. I figured if we can get through the lowest part of our relationship and still love each other However since she told me, and the more time has passed and with the lack of sense in the story I feel like I'm growing away from her. I've had alot of urges to cheat but haven't brought myself to do so. Those urges have more recently become urges to leave. I came very close to booking a week trip to California (I would have left today) but ultimately decided not to go, as it would have interfered with my job and money. Recently I have been thinking about moving out of our apartment, and getting my own place to create some distance. However part of me feels that creating that space would eventually lead to our split, or me cheating.Point being I haven't been able to move past this. We've have plenty of good times, since this all happened. The most recent reminder of the situation was my 27th birthday that just passed. I was dreading the day because I knew she would make a big deal out of it. However what I didn't tell her, is that getting presents from her almost felt like getting presents from someone who's wronged you. It's a nice gesture, but it hurts. I didn't want to take presents from her, and I feel it's because it no longer feels sincere. It feels, unfamiliar now. With the holidays coming up, it's only made it harder. I'm just looking to see what people think of this situation. Feel free to ask questions. Understand that I am a very strong willed person. I had a harder than normal upbringing which doesn't always make me the easiest person to deal with. I know that I have also been far from perfect in our relationship, but I have always tried until I no longer felt that I could. I'm open to hearing insightful feedback. If your best answer is something crass or not useful, please move on. Thank you,
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): The person you should be talking to, instead of some random people on the internet, is the person that did these things to you. I have yet to comprehend why people go oustide of a situation for help before they try to resolve the issue with the person the issue is with.
Another thing I would like to say is that you can't fix a problem with marriage, because, in the end, you'll just end up having bigger problems and you'll end up paying for it also. If you're going through this inner turmoil because of this girl, why would it make sense to marry her? You love her, sure, but sometimes you have to realize that love is a matter of the mind, and that she might not even be the person you'll love the most.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I think you have to give yourself some time to figure out what it is you want to do. Yes, you are engaged, but that doesn't mean you can't walk away from it. This is the time to figure out if this is the person you can see yourself waking up to every morning. Is this the person you can see standing by you through thick and thin? What if you lost your job tomorrow...do you think she'd stand by you until you can get back on your feet again?
Yes, you both were faced with the same situation. You both had other people who were either flirting with you or making small talk or even showed some kind of interest. You had a female who wanted to kiss you and maybe even more if you allowed it but you didn't. Your fiancee was faced with the same thing, but instead of saying no, she allowed it to happen which resulted with sex. She didn't have to tell you about this. But she did. That takes guts. Would that have been better for you to not know about it? It was probably hard for her to tell you. Can you imagine her keeping it inside and feeling awfully guilty? I cannot fathom the amount of guilt she felt in the shower and only to come out to tell you. Yes, you could have done the same thing too by sleeping with someone else when the chance was there but you didn't cause your conscience was there and that takes a lot of strength and courage to say no. You respected yourself enough to say no. She did it out of anger and other things.
Now take it back to the night you both decide to have that talk and work on things. Put yourself in her shoes...you're both laughing, reminiscing and wanting to work out the relationship...you don't bring up the fact that you slept with someone but you want to tell her because you want to come out clean....you can't, so you take a shower and then come out...scared, afraid, not wanting to lose her and then you say "We need to talk"...and you tell her everything. How do you feel? Scared that she'll leave you? Angry for having to have slept with someone? Dirty for feeling so cheap? Filthy? Guilty? Vulnerable?
Can you imagine what she must have been feeling? She doesn't want to break up with you. She wants you. She feels guilty for what she did. She probably wanted to die out of embarrassment, out of guilt. It must have been so upsetting for her to feel like this.
If you decide to go forth with this engagement, then you need to put it behind you. It's easy to say but if you want to marry her, then you need to put all of that behind you and look forward to building a life together. If you decide not to go forth with the engagement, then you need to come clear with her. Tell her that you feel betrayed, angry, hurt, upset, you can't trust her. You have to come clean. You need to put all your cards on the table and be honest. Remember that with all this, you also have to remember that there may be lots of tears, anger, yelling and screaming, guilt tripping amongst a lot of other things. But if this is the woman you want to be with then you need to be able to communicate with her and not harbor any resentment of what happened in the past. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): It sounds like there are two major issues.
The first issue was your girlfriend bringing you down day after day. It sounds like she wasn't really aware of the damage she was causing to you and to the relationship by routinely dumping her work miseries on you. She should be able to unload once in awhile, but daily is too much. And, there's nothing you could really do other than to show some compassion for her work situation. I've been bullied and backstabbed at work by a jealous coworker or two, when all I wanted to do is go to work and do my job well. I don't know what your girlfriend's issue is at work, but I do know what it is like to have some psychopathic person try to destroy my career. It took awhile, but I had to finally learn how to let go and handle myself differently. My point is, your girlfriend has to figure it out for herself, whether she reads a book, watches the right movie, or talks to a counselor. You cannot fix it for her. (I had read something on the internet that if your boss is a bully you need to either "GET OUT", or if you cannot get out, then you need to "butter up the bully". This finally sunk in when I was watching the movie "Hotel Rwanda". When I saw how Don Cheadle's character in the movie treated the psychopathic egotistical general, it became clear to me that buttering up the bully is really the only way to NOT be defeated by the bully in power. Until I learned this, I did burden friends and family with my woes at work. I don't do that anymore.) If she is rational, she should be able to understand that it is not okay to take her misery home to her boyfriend every evening. This issue could have probably had a resolution, if not for the second issue.
On the second issue of her sleeping with another guy, I don't think I could offer any advice. I'm pretty sure, I'd feel a lot of the same feelings you're feeling. I don't think I could stay with someone who cheated on me. Even though you and her had broken up, there was still a chance you could get back together, and you were still living together. She got drunk, she was depressed, she hated herself, and she probably regrets sleeping with the guy. But, personally, I'd like to be with somebody who had enough character not to bed down with someone so quickly after a break-up, and especially when there's still a chance at mending the relationship. That's just me. And honestly, I don't know too many guys who would resist all the temptations like you did. That's a sign of character and self-control. I wish there were a lot more men like that around.
If you can forgive her and choose to continue in the relationship, I would suggest you both read the book "Non Violent Communication" and also a good book on forgiveness. I need to do the same. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Technically she did not do anything wrong. She was depressed and her mind and heart were broken which is why even though she knew it was wrong, she could not resist it, the momentary pleasure of sex. The pleasure she found with 'Dan'. She lied to you and that was wrong. You should see though, why she felt she had to lie because she was afraid of exactly this situation, where you would no longer feel so lovingly about her. She told you the truth eventually and that speaks of love in a more eloquent way than words ever could express.
Obviously this is a lot to take in one year and it is natural and completely understandable that you are so hurt and distraught from this ordeal but you love her and there is no questioning that is there? Move past this, keep moving forward. You have hit a low point in your relationship, a test of strength and will, if you can emerge from this mess a stronger couple, there is no reason why your marriage should not be anything but happy. You have already gone through this heartache, this damnable yet uncalled for feeling of betrayal.
Is she trying to make it up to you? Are you trying to make it up to her? You might argue that what you did was no where near as terrible as what she did but that is not true. You both engaged in a physical release of emotion and yet the emotions themselves never faltered, your heart stayed true to her and apparently her heart stayed true to you.
Talk to each other about this, talk to each other about the problem that weaved this unwanted destination. Your arguing. What has been done about that? Talk to each other and be understanding of her as she should be to you. If you just cannot find it in your heart to forgive her, I suggest you move on and cut her out from your life. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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