A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My mother-in-law keeps buying me gift vouchers for a certain shop which is known as an plus size shop and also as the old woman(granny)shop.She has been doing this now for 5 yrs, birthdays and xmas.I am overweight size 16-18 but i have had some problems health wise for almost 8 years which resulted in a full abdominal hysterectomy. Every time i open the cards i get depressed not only because i am still overweight but i feel she is giving me those vouchers to rub my nose in it. Although in her 70's she is obsessed about her weight and very pass remarkable about others and she also would try to dress younger.I have had fallen outs with her before and i keep my distance from her as much as possible. I have never told her how i feel about getting those vouchers-how can i say i don't want vouchers for the overweight shop while i am still overweight? Honestly only older women shop there. My whole confidence is has been eroded over these past years and i feel she is trying to knock it even more-i know she wouldn't buy anything for her daughters in there who are older than me!She wouldn't buy anything in there for herself!Any advice would be very welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): Thanks again for the advice and good will you have all sent me.
The reason i keep my distance from her is because of the snide remarks she passes when she gets me on my own.
I'm not interested in getting into a "who can be the most cutting" game with her. Its not who I am nor who I want to be.
I got good headway with loosing weight about 10 yrs ago but then the fibroid problems got worse and exercise got limited.
I don't want to be obsessed with weight like they are either!
There is more to people than their dress size-but this is my health and i need to loose the weight and get fit and healthy.
I want to be about for a long time for my husband and kids.
Giving gifts like that at a time when you are a bit low but welcoming in the new year and wanting to change knocks my confidence again.
This year I am going to get to my perfect health and not let them drag me down any longer.
Thanks again girls and Good Luck to everyone in 2011.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): Thanks girls for the advice.
My husband does know how I feel about getting those vouchers and he did drop it months ago how much i did like a certain other shop which has household items mens womens and childrens clothes and shoes ect.
This certain shop where she gets the vouchers has mostly older lady customers even younger overweight people don't like to be seen in the store.
I can't be honest with her and tell her nicely i would rather not have those vouchers-she is not the kind of person who will be told what to do and i don't want to give her the opportunity to discuss my weight.
Honestly i do feel she is doing it out of spite.
She has been nasty to me before about my weight and ever since i have known her and her daughters they have been dieting ect. They used to be heavier when i got married at first and i was size 10-12 until i had the kids and then the weight problems set in due mainly to polycystic ovaries and fibroids.
My mother-in-law & her daughters lost alot of weigh but they are the kind of people who now would say they need to loose weight ect and waiting for you to tell them they don't.
I think getting anyone vouchers for that shop is very personal and i do think she knows what she is doing.
I just hurts that someone can be that mean and to have it in for me so much.
If my own mother was living she would be trying to lift my confidence and encourage me.
Xmas can be a lonely time for me because i miss my parents who have both passed away and don't have much contact with siblings-we're not close.
Any advice as always is very welcome.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): That is a very backhanded gift. Your mother in law obviously judges you for your weight and I think she is being cruel. If your mother in law was really concerned about your health, she might offer to go walking with you. She might buy you a membership to a gym. Instead she is giving you the gift she would be humiliated to receive.
I was obese and I feel like I've been through similar things. I know people treated me as if I was stupid or invisible all the time. They see your weight, they don't see you. It's even worse when your family (in my case, particularly my mother) publically humiliate you.
Everyone has the one thing that tips the scale (no pun intended). For me it was my relationship with my mother. I spent so much time resenting her and blaming her attitude for my unhappiness. This was the final distraction from the truth; I did not like being fat. I had to finally admit that my unhappiness had more to do with my own internal conflict than with my mother's comments. I wasn't happy with the health problems I was acquiring and I wasn't happy being treated like a moron by strangers.
Losing weight did change the way I was treated and how I interacted in public. I was much more confident and I generally just felt better.
It didn't fix my relationship with my mother. She praised me a lot at the time and I resented her praise as well. When I finally got down to an healthy weight, she started pushing food on me. I think some women, in particular, older women who are insecure will use other women to feel better about themselves. My mother happened to using me. Your mother in law is likely insecure about her age and appearance and she is wiping her bad feelings off on you. Please realize it's her issue and not yours.
Happy New Year and if you have resolved to lose weight this year, I wish you success.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): If shes given you one of the vouchers this Christmas, go to the store and redeem it by buying something for her birthday. Or keep the voucher and give it back to her on her birthday, stating you know she likes the store alot, so you got her a voucher too x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): To be honest I think she's just trying to be nice by buying you a voucher or a good clothes store that specialises in making clothes for your size and bigger, I really don't think she's doing it to hurt you.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 What a tactless mother in law! She may just be a thoughtless woman. Or she may erroneously think she is doing the 'right' most appropriate thing.
But without doubt i think she is being unkind. Even if she 'plays dumb' and makes out she does not realise. And I think she is having a 'dig' at you.
I am sorry you've had falling out with her in the past. And have to keep your distance. And if this has gone on for so long can I assume you cannot just discuss it with her? Maybe not? Or maybe you could try several possibilities?
Time to call in the cavalary!
Is your husband willing to come in and support you? Great, if he is prepared to have a quiet word with his Mom. But it has gone on for so long, that I suspect he has no idea of how much it upsets you. Nor how to fix it. And perhaps he does not want to upset his Mom. Even though he should put you first at all times.
First I would try a round about approach. Invite her to join you and your husband, maybe in a public place, for lunch, or to your place, on some excuse. Just the three of you. Make sure your husband is present at all times, so that she can't allege you were mean to her, when you were really civil. If such a lunch is not possible, then do NOT have such a talk over the phone. Because the discussion needs to be face to face. And don't raise it at a group function - or she could try to accuse you of 'ruining' the function. So be careful.
Find an opportunity , during talking during that lunch with you Mother in law, to talk clothing. Do it when you are wearing something from a shop that sells much more attractive clothing than that from the offending shop. Cast aspersions (mild) on the offending shop: 'how the clothes there are no longer as nice, as they USED to be, how hard it is to find nice things there NOW' that the clothing there is looking so old fashioned. That way you are not insulting past gifts. Instead you are signaling that since your previous visit the shop is looking so TIRED and so is no longer to your taste.
If the above is not strong enough to resonate with her, then an even more direct discussion may be required:
eg
''Mom you know I've struggled with my weight for a long time, but despite that I do try to dress attractively. I am sure you would never want to distress me, but when you give me a voucher to spend at XXXL, which is aimed at older/larger women, then it makes me very upset. That you would think it appropriate, to do that, makes me feel very hurt and humiliated. And I can't imagine that you would want to hurt me, consciously, in this way. '
If that's still not enough, to stop her, you might want to tell everyone that you are scrapping Christmas presents?
Review also what you have been choosing as presents for her, just in case she does not like what she receives.
And have a talk to your husband, because support from him is paramount.
And work on your fitness, rather than weight loss, as that should improve your self esteem and confidence in yourself.
Hope it all goes well.
PS: if mother in law gets nasty just remind her that it's a pity humans cannot tolerate difference, in the way we accept difference in animals. Because humans really do have big differences in metabolism, height, hair color etc etc. Yet imagine if a Mastiff dog had to be told, 'you know Mr Mastiff if you just tried a little harder you could look like a Mr Pekinese or Mr Greyhound' (not possible no matter how many trips to the gym)
Hope it goes well!
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A
female
reader, Sahara z +, writes (1 January 2011):
Hi, Happy New Year to you. I think you have picked the right time to make a change. You say 'still overweight' so i assume you are trying to loose so weight, so i hope you find the will power to stick with it as in the long term it will help you gain some confidence. Although you don't necessarily need to loose loads, sometimes just a dress size can do wonders for confidence. With regard to your mother in laws voucher presents. First of all, yes maybe she is having a bit of a dig but also consider that maybe you are feeling a bit low yourself so are taking it the wrong way. She is clearly not being very imaginative in her choice of gifts for you but sometimes people just get lazy and get into a habit of always giving the same because it is easy. After five years of the same though I think you deserve a change. Now I wonder if your husband could help? (the idea here is to try to box clever without offending anyone) If you can explain to him how you feel (and stress that it may not be how his mum intends to come across by always giving these vouchers but its how it makes you feel) and you don't want to make his mum feel like you are ungrateful but at the same time it is a pity that her money is going to waste because you struggle to find anything you want to buy in that shop. Maybe he could suggest alternative gifts to his mum for her to give you. He could say for example that for the last few times you have struggled to find anything suitable at that shop with the vouchers she so kindly gave, and that most of the clothes styles are suited to much older women or that you are trying to loose weight no gain it and most of the sizes are too big. You can suggest gifts that you would appreciate, maybe things more universal like scarfs/gloves/shoes or decide on a shop where you would appreciate vouchers. You could also make lists and leave them for you husband to read so he knows what to suggest. If your husband can't (or like many men) doesn't get round to helping then the alternative is to tackle your mother in law directly. Make sure you are as positive and kind as you can be. Thank her for the vouchers but stress that unfortunately you have not found anything that you liked, maybe hint that the shop isn't quite as good as it first appeared. Then maybe ask her which shops she likes/what gifts she would like next birthday/Christmas. While she is busy thinking and suggesting make the most of any opportunity to agree with her and say 'yes i love that shop' or 'i love...type of perfume....scarf....necklace etc., Hopefully she will take the hint.
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