A
female
age
36-40,
*uestionable_life
writes:Dear Cupid,I feel like my mother in-law is constantly judging me, accusing me, and questioning everything about me-- and it hurts. One minute I feel that her and I are fine, but then she will get in these moods where me and my husband can tell something is bothering her. She has never been very easy on me, but now that we are married I would think she'd back off a bit. My husband has said that he thinks what she is doing is emotional abuse, and it is. We both love his mom so much, and all we are really after is her approval... and acceptance. Here are a few examples of what she does:- Puts me on the spot and questions me about myself (money, weight, etc.)- Puts me on guilt trips if I do something wrong.- Makes me feel bad if she thinks my husband is unhappy. She has even said it seems like he can't "talk" for himself because he is always looking at me for approval- Tells me that I can't do certain things.. Like I said I want to write a book in life, and she told me that will never happen.- Tells me to go work in retail. When I have been working my ass off in college, and i've been out of retail for 7 years.- Says that when my husband is around I am "cocky" These are just a few examples. I just am feeling like I am never good enough, and being constantly criticized is starting to hurt me. Any advice on what we should do? If we approach her she will say that we are too sensitive or that she feels like she cant say anything to us because we take it the wrong way. Very manipulative.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Dear sister
DIL and MIL not going along nicely is very common issue among the families around the world in all cultures and countries. So one thing is sure that this feeling described by you is same in around 80 % of newly married wives.
So this will help you to know that you are not alone feeling the same. Reasons are not yet researched and known. The problem is being running for 100s of generations of womens. And best thing you would be surprised to know that it is your DH, who is most worried person and person in toughest spot.
Mother and son relationship is not new to you and you know what it is. And you know expectations that you as MOM will have from your son and here comes the wife to him and tussle starts and he is sandwicthed. He cares for you and his MOM both. you care for him and not as much to his MOM care for him but not as much about you.
It is evident that you expect him to with you and she expect him to be with her.
No one in the world can advise you to fix this perfectly.
I have seen relationship improving the over the years as you become mature, she become older and changed, your DH will grow mature and slowly balance and expectations and emotions starts settle down.
One thing i know is that it is very healthy to have good relationship for sake of family and relationship with your DH, your kids to their grand mothers and fathers and so on.
Also one more thing for you to know is that once you have kids, it will improve tremendously. Then she become very happy and satisfied. So having kids will solve many problems.
A
female
reader, questionable_life +, writes (12 June 2010):
questionable_life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys-- I really appreciate your feedback. I do not have children yet so that is a positive.. I guess the reason I care so much is because its gone on way to long, and its taking away my overall happiness. And if she is like this now I can only imagine how it would be when I have children.. I just wish there was an easier way to confront her.. or even have my husband stand up for me. And he is her favorite son. She has even said this before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): From your age, it seems you are a youn DIL and recent marriage.
IT is quite normal and you would do the same to your DIL in few years. You need to learn to ignore her remarks and questions and try to built trust and love. Remember trust and love can not be bought are forced. It can only be developed over time living together and showing unconditional love. you do your duties and after some time ( 2-3 years ) you and she will be good togethor. Forgive and forget in best strategy to make any relationship work as compared to reactions and over reactions and leading to even more problem to both side.
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