A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My mother in law is so controlling. She wants to tell me how to give her money, when to phone her and how many times. She practically wants to run every facet of my life. How i am raising my children. Apparently i am staying with two of her children, BIL and SIL. She will tell me how to treat them in my house, my husband doesnt seem worried, he says its normal. But i am fed up. I feel like running away from my own house. Guys where do we draw the line with this in law interference?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): I have been married once for five years and then been in a long term relationship for 18 years. In both of these relationships I did not realise that the 'mother in law' was an extremely dominant and controlling woman. I was so naive.I now see that both of my partners were attracted to me because they thought that I was a strong, independent and non-needy woman and were very drawn to me because they were so used to being 'controlled' by their own mothers. Neither of them had the faintest idea that their mothers were controlling and neither of them had the first clue about how to protect and provide for the woman in their life.It honestly took me about 15 years into the 18 year relationship to realise that a pattern had developed in which men perceived me as this strong woman who needed nothing. In fact, I had been brought up in an incredibly neglectful and abusive environment and had learned, very young, to expect no help from anyone. Inside I was absolutely craving protection and to be a weak, very fragile and vulnerable and feminine woman. When I thought it all through and finally clicked what was wrong, the guy that I was with (for 18 years) went absolutely nuts when I told him that I thought that a. his mother was controlling and b. he was expecting me to both behave like her (ie. do everything and not need him) AND defer to her (ie. pander to her every whim and controlling impulse). I stuck it out for another 3 years, during which time I became amazed that I had not seen, earlier on, what was going on. It was like 10,000 lightbulbs going on in my head. My 'mother in law' would do things like 'phone up drunk and demand - DEMAND - to know about my sex life with her son. She also insisted, for reasons that made no sense whatsoever, that we hold her retirement party - for thirty or so people - in our very small apartment rather than in her own, large, three bedroomed home. The first time we went away for a weekend together, guess who came? And every single time I asked my partner to do something like fix a shelf she would suddenly need her own shelves fixed or would tell me that her son "really needs to rest now". The first time that I met her she quickly insisted on buying me a table - I was totally embarassed by this but it was impossible to refuse. She literally drove her other son into 'madness' because whilst he was living with her she was so utterly controlling of his every move that he finally had a breakdown and now barely speaks to her. The reason that she was like this, in my opinion, is because she was forced to give up her first, illegitimate son, for adoption. Incredibly sad and traumatic, yes, but irresponsible, ultimately, not to get counselling for over the longer term and as an adult.Finally my now ex partner did see that I was not trying to cause trouble and that everything that I was saying completely added up. But it was too late, and her bond with him just too deeply ingrained for me to really be a couple with him. If you think there is any remote chance that your husband might understand then do speak up. However, you might want to confront the idea, like I finally did, that somehow my partner had perceived me as being like his own Mum...he was, ultimately, very wrong about that, but maybe you have sent out similar "I can cope with anything" signals somewhere along the line earlier on? If so, I'd say get out and start to discover the person that you really are.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 You have had enough. Talk to your husband that this situation makes you feel like running away from your life!
He is permitting you to be disrespected in your own home.
Let him know that either he can stand up for you, or you will do it yourself. Then mean it!
The more you stand up for yourself means your inlaws will start turning on your husband to fix you!
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Your husband should be standing up for you and telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable. If he won't then you need to speak to her yourself. Next time she tells you how you should be doing something just kindly but firmly tell her that while you respect her opinion you have your own way of doing things. Hopefully she'll get the hint after a while but if she doesn't then it might be time to sit her down and be a little more forceful in telling her how things are going to be in your home. Don't be afraid of standing up for yourself because she will continue to act this way for as long as you allow her to.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 You need to sit down and talk to your husband and tell him how this is making you feel. He thinks it is normal because he has growing up with this woman's behaviour therefore it is all he has ever been used to. It is time for you to start putting down some ground rules in your own home. Sit down with your husband and tell him what it is you are wanting to change and then stand up to his mother and tell her how it is.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Is your hubby unable to stand upright? It "sounds" as if he is lacking a spine..... AND that your problem is twice as bad as you thought when you started writing this...
That is: You have a MIL that you haven't figured out that you can tell her to sc**w-off... you're running your own life..... AND you have a hubby who doesn't understand that he is supposed to support you when you do so....
Good luck....
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