A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I came to stay with family for the funeral for my father.6 weeks on, my father is still in the mortuary at the hospital because my brother and mum wont do anything about it or arrange a funeral. I am very upset about this as i never got to see my father and really wanted to see him now its impossible and i cant get closure without having the funeral.I cant stay any longer as i have other commitments and unable to afford to return anytime soon as coming here has cost so much money. My brother told me to f*** off and my mother doesnt seem to care about my situation or my father shes more concerned with watching tv. I am angry that they spending his money but not even paying for a nice funeral for him. I am going to have to leave soon, They also spending all my fathers savings and my father never wanted them to do that and using his new car.I dont like the way they treating me or my dad and ive ran out of time waiting here for nothing while they do nothing.I feel i have wasted my time coming here and wasted my money and im never going to see my father and they will do a cheap funeral when im gone.I'm so upset and keep crying as i cant believe how they are treating me. I really need advice from someone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2022): Original poster of question
Well I truly believe they shouldn't have asked me to come here if they weren't having a funeral they have lead me on for two months wasted my time and money, refused to show me photos of dad and refused for me to go to the hospital. All the while I've missed my partner terribly and had cancelled all my plans. I just don't think it's right. Yes there is a paupers funeral which gets paid by government if no one does a funeral. So angry at what they done I won't be coming home for any funerals again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2022): Original poster of question
Well I truly believe they shouldn't have asked me to come here if they weren't having a funeral they have lead me on for two months wasted my time and money, refused to show me photos of dad and refused for me to go to the hospital. All the while I've missed my partner terribly and had cancelled all my plans. I just don't think it's right. Yes there is a paupers funeral which gets paid by government if no one does a funeral. So angry at what they done I won't be coming home for any funerals again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2022): There's not such a thing like a "cheap " funeral .Funeral homes may provide three or four different levels of service, but even the least expensive one will be proper,decent, decorous and dignified ( and far from
cheap anyway ).
I don't know why your mother is being so slow in making arrangements , but ,whatever her reasons, legally she has the right to decide the how, where and when. As his surviving spouse and next of kin and ,unless your father left a will , as his sole heir. Of course you could speed up things if you made arrangements yourself ,but making arrangements with a funeral home means a) leaving a substantial deposit upfront b) entering into a written contract with the funeral home which makes the person signing it responsible for paying the balance in case the other next of kins refuse to do so.
Unluckily , there is not much ( or perhaps anything ) you can do to force the other relatives to pay for the kind of funeral you would choose - but TBH I think that maybe right now you don't want to add to the sorrow for the loss of a parent also the sorrow of alienating the surviving one and creating a rift in the family ,just at a time where you should be closer and hold tight to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2022): Bereavement can bring out the best and bring out the worst in people.
There are recognizable stages of bereavement and your mother and brother are in denial.
Whilst he lies in the mortuary he is not dead in their minds.
But you have come to say goodbye and a funeral would be fitting closure.
I wonder if your dad left a will?
If he died intestate then your brother and mother may be stalling for this reason.
They don't want to accept reality but they must also pay the mortuary.
I suggest you contact the mortuary to arrange a compassionate viewing where you can spend a little time alone with the deceased and say goodbye before he is interred.
If you believe that people return into spirit where they reconnect with loved ones who went before then you may find comfort in the fact that your dad exists in another plane of the universe.
If not then your final goodbyes would seem even more important, but anyway you can take photos of the deceased and read a few prayers or leave a token rose etc.
Providing you speak to the staff at the mortuary beforehand they are usually quite happy to ' lay the body out' for appropriate family to view and pay their respects.
There is not normally a charge for this at the time but it may be added into the final bill.
Mortuary staff are usually quite sensitive to immediate family needs and if you let them know that you will miss the family funeral because you have to return then they will make the time for you to say your goodbyes in private.
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