A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where to begin... I am in an unhappy marriage. Well, I am unhappy. My husband is completely detached. He is a good provider and father, but we are basically roommates. My therapist says "you two are not a couple- it is a business arrangement. You raise the kids and take care of the household, he makes the money." We rarely even sleep in the same bed. I began having an affair with an old friend- we never had sex, but we did kiss. other than that it was purely emotional. (not trying to justify it- I will be the first to admit it was wrong). Well, last week I found out I am pregnant. I am devastated. I wanted out of my marriage. Not because of this other man- just because I feel like I am not happy with my home situation. Now I am feeling very stuck. I want to be happy to be pregnant. My husband is happy even though he was adamant that we didn't want any more children. He had an appointment for a vasectomy but before the appointment, we had sex once (that makes twice in the past year) and he swore he would pull out but he didn't. So here we are. I just don't know what to do. My affair is over and I am very sad about it, but I feel like it was the right thing to do. I want to work on my marriage but there is no physical attraction there at all. The only reason we had sex in the first place was because he was drunk and I was horny. UGHHHH. what do I do? I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. we are not in love anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): If the baby is derailing your life, then give him/her up for adoption. it's clear that you desperately want to leave this marriage for your own sanity which is a brave and also a responsible decision to make. it is only the new baby that is holding you back. why not give the baby up for adoption. Then leave the marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): no. 1 - you should have been more responsible . having sex with a man you do not love (your hb) is one thing. being IRRESPONSIBLE an now being pregnant is another.
not fair on your kids and this unborn baby.
next time, plse condomise, or else you will be knocked up again and still crying wolf. irresponsible and selfish behaviour.
now you view this innocent unborn as a burden.
plse have an abortion and take your leave from your hb, you have left in spirit anyway and you are not prepared to make your marriage work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): You could wait until after the baby is born before trying a trial separation. It would be difficult on a purely practical level to go through pregnancy and birth and the first few weeks of newborn care, and raising other older children, at the same time as going through a divorce and those upheaval in living arrangements.
But since you said in no uncertain terms that if it weren't for the be baby you definitely wanted out of this marriage, I think you need to get out sooner or later. It's just a question of timing for practical reasons.
So, you can gain some emotional stability by making the decision now that you will leave your marriage (indecisiveness is nerve wracking) then it is just a matter of when is the right time to do so and that can be driven by practical considerations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Your choices are difficult. I am in a similar situation and I haven't yet resolved it but am working towards that so I can sympathize with how you feel.
All I can say is, as my therapist told me, which path is right for you depends on what you can live with personally. Different people have different capacities for what they can live with so it is highly individual. Just because you have friends or family who were in a similar situation but chose to stay in their marriages, doesn't mean it is also the right choice for you. Their marriage issues are different from yours, their personalities and needs and ability to cope are different from yours.
If you choose to stay in your unhappy marriage because of the good business arrangement, that can usually work in the short term.... as you have been doing. but there are side effects which you already found out which is that you are miserable and the unhappiness doesn't just go away by itself and likely doesn't even stay constant instead it will probably build and increase over time.
What finally drove me into therapy is when my unhappiness built up to such a degree that I was no longer myself and I NOTICED it and couldn't snap myself out of it anymore. Everyone will tell you to stay in your marriage because it's the right thing to do, you should suck it up for your kids, your kids must come first, how selfish you are to want personal happiness, etc etc. This is what has kept me in my unhappy marriage for 12 years. But I learned the hard way that deep lasting personal unhappiness is NOT trivial and it should NOT be discounted in favor of some skewed view of what is better for your children.
What are the consequences of being long-term miserable and unhappy on a deep level? Most likely you will develop depression and other mood- and personality changes. These things WILL spill over into all other areas of your life including your life with your children, and have very tangible and quantifiable negative effects.
It can change your personality in a negative way, your world becomes more restricted and insular because you lack the motivation or interest to do things. You have trouble concentrating or remembering things. You may gain weight or develop addictions or illnesses. You lack energy. It becomes that much harder to be a GOOD parent. Everyone wants to be a good parent, why make it harder on yourself??
There are so many consequences of long-term depression that it's really better to not live in that state. This cannot be good even from a noble self-sacrificing view. How can your children benefit if their mother is not functioning at her potential or even at a normal level?
Thus, I have learned that regardless of how 'good' the external circumstances are, don't ignore deep and lingering unhappy feelings, don't blindly endure them or suppress them. Either try to change your situation/marriage so that you no longer have those unhappy feelings and thus you are emotionally/psychologically HEALTHY, or else leave the marriage in order to end those negative feelings and return to state of balance.
that said, it is not easy to leave a marriage. WHEN you leave, is also a highly individual decision. Some people can do it proactively realizing the destructive path they are headed down, and feel good about having avoided hitting rock bottom. Other people know they are on a destructive path nevertheless NEED to hit rock bottom before they can feel sure about leaving. I think I am the second case. We'll see...
I wish you the best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Have you discussed the possibility of having an open relationship with him? If this is purely business and you don't love each other then surely you both should be free to pursue others.
Financially and familywise you have a good arrangement, so it seems anyway. The kids have stability and with another one on the way it would be very difficult to change those circumstances. The only thing missing is romantic love between you and your husband. So perhaps coming to an arrangement about seeing other people might be a good idea. You could set rules and boundaries. You would both be free to find other people with the understanding that the kids and home life are kept out of it.
Consider it anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Your choices though difficult emotionaly are very cut and dry.
You either stay or you leave.
Its obvious that you are looking outside your marriage because youre not getting something within it. So you can stay married, raise the kids, including the new one, and wait 15 - 18 years.
You can have affairs and feel horrible for it.
You can leave, and start a life for yourself.
Starting over isnt easy, but your mental health is at stake here too, and that counts for something.
I would leave if I was that miserable. I learned a long time ago, not to live for other people. Not to sacrifice my personal sanity and mental health to appease others. You are a grown woman, you have needs, wants and desires, and if your best friend/partner/spouce isnt fulfilling them, and you have expressed yourself to the best of your capability and you still end up not mattering to him, why would you even consider staying ? Dont stay for the kids, they know when things arnt right, they know when mom isnt happy, and trust me, all your kids want is for you to be happy.
Im sorry you are having to go through this emotinal nightmare, but once you make a decision, learn to live with it, accept it for what it is, and dont look back.
My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.
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