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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: my soon to be mother in law has cause many problems for me in the past and always tries to savitage any events we plan. and on sevral occations made up accusions but me in the attempt that i would look bad. she doesnt even want to get to know me because she claims she didn't like my up bringing. she is always sickly sweet when in company and clings to my partner like super glue. it drives him nuts and after the last attempt at trying to drag my name through the mud we have cut all ties with her. my partner and i still visit his dad and younger brothers at home but only when she is at work. it would be fair to say my partner is holding this grudge more than myself because he knows that i am happy to just let it go (after all she is his mother.) but he's not interested in reconsialing with her at all, which brings me to the problem at hand. due to this problem we've decided not to go for a full wedding and are just keeping it to witnesses and us. she doesnt even know we're engaged and we're getting married in 3 days!!! however everybody else knows even his dad and no one is telling her because they dont want her to ruin it. i feel kinda sorry for her because its her eldest son and i know she loves him. but he want hear i word of telling her no matter how i approach it. i dont like her but i still feel guilty about leaving her in the dark.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): Some people can open their hearts to anyone coming into their family, and some just refuse to do this. Your future mother-in-law’s behavior is blaming, judgemental, and extremely disrespectful to you, not to mention how badly behaved hse is towards her own son (your partner). She sounds like a unhappy woman who like a power position in her family and feels entitled. People like this are broken people. It's no one's job, to keep peace with her, cater to her whims. She is responsible for her own reactions and responses to her family. She takes care of her own feelings, even when she forgets to behave like a a Mother and a self-respecting, dignified matriarch of her family. So sad.
Your bf's job is to deal with his Mother, not you. So don't carry the guilt. Accept this and carry on with your plans. It sounds like he has had put up with her bad behaviours over past years and it's pretty pitiful; when he can't He has chosen to simply ignore her. Sounds like he doesn't let her jerk him around and control him. I would be like him if I were you. Get married as you have planned. What it comes down is what only 'you two' want to do. This is your happiest day..don't feel you have to ask anyone to help you celebrate this day, that you know has animosity towards you. I don't care who it is. That would be crazy. But before you and your fiancee get married, have a good talk about how about the two of you, as man and wife plan to cope with different stresses this woman may inflict in your future together.
A
male
reader, hh123 +, writes (13 January 2007):
Most of us would feel sorry that an important family member such as herself would not be able to attend...
To consider if she's worth the effort, weigh in some factors such as: Does she really deserve to attend? How guilty would i be after the wedding? Will there be future anger(which will lead to a lot of family disputes)?
I'm really sorry i cant give an answer because this should be your decision but if i were in your shoes, i would invite her but also tell her the position she's in because this is one of the biggest event any mother would like to remember.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (13 January 2007):
 Ultimately it's his mother and I think you need to respect his decision about how to proceed with his mother. I agree with you that it's sad that it has come to this and that she should know that you're married. Maybe ask your son if you could send her a card to announce the wedding afterwards if he's worried about her ruining it. It needn't be done in a "rub her face in it" kind of way. Maybe just write "We wanted you to know that we've married and are very happy. We'd like you to be part of our happiness and put all our issues behind us." Hope this helps.
CD
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