A
female
age
30-35,
*tarburst22x7
writes:So my mom found out that my boyfriend of 5 months and I were having sex, and she asked me if I had sex with him prior to her find out and I told her no. When she found out she was upset and broke my boyfriend and I up, she claims she's mad that I didn't tell her. My mom will not let me go to prom with him and everything is paid for already and plus my best friend is going with my boyfriend's friend because of me. My mom also told me I could make up my own punishment but I don't have any ideasI need help trying to convince my mom to let me go to prom and also a punishment for myselfplease help
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 May 2010):
 I'm not sure I understand. Your mom wants you to have a punishment on top of missing the prom and losing the money you paid for it and not seeing your boyfriend any more? Or instead of? Because if you want her to agree to letting you go to the prom with him. That would be postponing your punishment until you can commit the offense one last time. As a parent that just doesn't make sense.
Also she found out that you had sex. Then she found out that you lied about how long you had been having sex? And she is most mad about the lies, and less mad about the sexual behavior?
Anyway , I'll make a few assumptions and give you some advice about punishments. My theory is that punishments should be the natural consequences of the crime. Your parents trusted you and you broke their rules and lied to them. The natural consequence of this is that they have lost their confidence in you and they no longer trust you. A fitting punishment is to restrict you from activities that require their trust. For example dating guys, driving cars, staying out late. First you need to accept that the trust is gone, then you need to find a way to get it back. The trouble is that you want it back just for saying "I'm sorry". That won't happen. Building trust takes a lot of time.
So what to do about the Prom? Tell your Mom that part of your punishment will be to have her with you on this Prom date so that she can make sure you are keeping the rules. Another part of the punishment could be an early curfew. Also more communication with her. You could be required to call while on dates, to give her a schedule for each date and call if anything changes. What you are doing is trading trust for supervision.
That will have two effects. One, you will build trust by demonstrating to your Mom your willingness and ability to do right. Two, You will learn some self restraint and will get more comfortable with telling your Mom all the truth.
Now I know that that is a very severe punishment but as a parent I would feel better with it because the other punishment (no prom, breakup) is going to cause a lot of resentment between you and your Mother, and just push you to cheat and lie more. Remember the reason your Mom is freaking out is because she doesn't want to see you get hurt. Playing around with sex at your age almost always leads to trouble of some sort. Try to see it from her point of view.
FA
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (4 May 2010):
 Ok, honey..there's seeking advice and then there's anybody got any ideas on how to manipulate thing to go my way. The first one, I'll give you my my best shot, the second? No dice, doll. Your mother has apparently set some ground rules that you've chosen to not abide by. These are called CONSEQUENCES. The CONSEQUENCES of our actions can often be unpleasant or even painful. I suspect your mother is trying to help you avoid some other consequences of your chosen behavior. The best sure-fire way to avoid suffering undesirable consequences is A) know what you're doing in the first place and B) play by the rules. Trying to circumvent or dodge the rules almost always leads to even more suffering of undesirable consequences. It's a vicious circle once you start it. Have you considered going to the source? Talk to your mother about this and ask her advice on what she'd have you do/learn from this sitch. Be SMART, RESPECT yourself and GROW into an educated, independent and rational-minded woman. You'll NEVER regret it!
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A
male
reader, squirtrocks123  +, writes (4 May 2010):
The only way i could possibly think to solve this would be to confront your mum on this. And when i say confront i do not mean have a full shout at her. YOu should try to sit down with and have a CALM conversation about the issues. Although most people dread speaking to their parents like this in situation i think it may help because; Your mum clearly doesnt think your mature enough to be having sex, having a calm conversation around a table is a clear signal to anyone that you are infact mature especially if you stay calm and put forward a reasonable argument.Also to help calm down your mum during the conversation point out the reasons you decided to start having sex. Use the idea that you were always in a safe environment.Finally the idea of creating your own punishment. This is probably a hard thing to do. YOu will have to think of a punishment that shows that you are mature enough to embrace your situation with a clear head. So make sure you dont be cheeky by opting for an easy punishment. HOwever i would delay the choice of your punishment till after you discuss the situation.I hope this helps at least a litlle bit. Andy
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