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female
,
anonymous
writes: I hope someone can give me some advice on this... Basically I've just split up with my boyfriend of two years (for the second time) the reasons for our split is that his dad will not meet me or allow me to go round his house as he doesn't believe in mixed relationships (I am Greek and he is English). My boyfriend however has decided that he can't take the strain anymore as he lives with his parents and he hasn't been on speaking terms with his father since he has been seeing me and this is putting a downer on his family life. He has however said that he still loves me and he will never forgive his father for ruining our relationship (this is what he told a friend of mine) Do you think it would be worth my while trying to speak to his dad and get him to see our point of view as he has never spoken to me he has met me just the once but refused to speak to me... Or should I leave it and get on with my life??? Please help!!!!!
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 My mistake, earlier I said (your father) I meant to write your boyfriends father. I do apologise. xXx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): No, if I were in your shoes I would not speak to your bf's father. That would be like banging your head on a brick wall. Why put yourself through that sorrow..you been through enough with this man.Listen, I am sorry what has happened in your relationship but it's obvious your bf has made his choice. It was either you or his family. He made his choice and I am very sorry.
You will accomplish nothing talking to the father. Obviously, he would listen to his own son..he certainly won't listen to you. I will say to you...walk away from all this, grieve, recover and move on. Find someone who's family will accept you and give you the respect you deserve. Because you cannot honestly think this will will happen with these people who dislike you this much? You would be walking into a family nightmare. Like all relationships, being enraptured and "in love" lasts such a short time but eventually the harsh realities of life come front and center. If you were to continue a relationship with this guy, these family members will be part of your life forever, for better or for worse, and sheesh, does it sound like it couldn't get any worse! I am sorry but I feel you don't need a lifetime of pain, sorrow and regret getting involved with this family. Life's too short. Just my thoughts...take it or leave it.
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (19 May 2006):
My dear,I am so sorry to hear about this. Its a shame that your father has this kind of attitude. I dont believe that trying to convince his father will amount to any good because some people are very set in their ways. I think you should try to move on with your life, its tough but unfortunately I dont see another option. It amazes me why people have this sort of attitude, I mean its as Eddie says a mixed nationality not mixed race but either way it is still prejudice and its not acceptable. I wish I could say more to you but I do wish you all the best. xXx
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (19 May 2006):
 You dont say how old you are, but if you are over 18 honey you can do your own thing.
Stand up for yourself!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 That isn't a mixed race relationship, it's a mixed nationality. Either way, your parents are stuck in the past. Live your life.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Your post really struck a cord with me because I am in exactly the same situation as yourself. I am British and married to a Macedonian man (lets not get into the greek-macedonian thing!). My parents refused to meet him, banned me from marrying him (if you can 'ban' an independent woman in her 30's), banned my brother from coming to the wedding with the threat of disinheritance and I didnt speak to them for a year as they thought the silent treatment would get me to change my mind. My mother was even sending me letters in the year telling me that 'pretty educated women' like me shouldn't be wasting my time on uneducated yobs when there were lots of professors at my Uni. who would love me and give me money (sad I know). She kept saying if we had kids he would snatch them away, find a younger woman, beat me, take my money and all sorts! I doubt she could have found his country on a map though and refused to say his name, she just referred to him as "that boy". Anyway there was a death in the family that brought us together last summer and they assumed I hadn't married him (I was a coward and didn't tell them because it was a bad time with the funeral etc), but they found out last autumn that I had married him as a spiteful ex-boss rang my mother to inform her and now they refuse to meet him, speak to me etc. I used to be very close to my family but I am determined not to let anyone spoil my marital relationship because no one has the right to interfere and I strongly believe in unconditional love from parents (you cannot just ignore someone because you don't approve of their actions). It sounds like your boyfriend's father is very much like my mother - strong-willed parents need to be stood up to sometimes unfortunately, and it is not disrespectful to do so as some parents never let go of that hold over their children. I know that my mother will come around at some stage but I am staying clear at the moment, and we are passing occasional letters until the matriach cools down. It will be really stressful for your boyfriend as I know how parental disapproval has affected me even if I don't let them interfere in my life. You should, however, see it as a test of your boyfriend really. It takes a very strong person to take a stand against overwhelming pressure from family (especially if they were previously close). If he stays with you then his relationship with his family may change. However, in time they may mellow too - racism is partly about fear and ignorance that can subside through direct contact with you. For example, my parents have just heard bad reports about eastern europeans in the news and I am sure they would actually like my husband if they gave him a chance. But that takes time as family issues always make emotions run high!
As for your situation, I feel that if your relationship is really strong with your boyfriend then it can endure outside parental pressure. Don't approach his father without his permission as your boyfriend may feel under pressure - I stopped my husband doing that. Perhaps the best thing to do is to stand back and wait. I think your boyfriend may come to his senses after his father starts speaking to him again. He may miss you and realise the whole thing is ridiculous. If he doesn't come back then perhaps you should see it as a sign that he is not a strong, committed person and in the future your relationship would have been under further stress...if not your boyfriends father, it would have been another matter that he wouldnt have coped with. Good Luck!!!
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