A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Apologies for the really long length of this but I have a question regarding on/off 'mixed message' behaviour going on over a long period of time. I've asked about this before but would like an update please! Please don't judge me as obsessive, I'm honestly not, I just am so confused and I still want to know what is going on and would appreciate advice on what to do now.I've been a mature doctorate student working with a (mature, five years older) tutor for five years. I'm only part time so don't see him as much as full time students but its been an intense few years and I know I've increasingly stood out as a 'top of the class' student. I felt after about a year of working together that he was interested in me. He is utterly professional, really highly respected and supremely intelligent. Many women complain however that they can't work with him because he is insensitive (he doesn't tolerate time wasters) and he does have a reputation for being totally clueless with women - this, I don't agree with, I just think he is exceptionally choosy. He never, to my knowledge, flirts with anyone but he does know how to make students feel valued. From early on he would veer between being completely respectful and patient, going out of his way to try to help me, but then at times being rude, not answering my emails, etc. I figured this mixed behaviour was because when I started I was really coming at my research from what seemed like an 'off the wall' position and it must have been really difficult to tutor me. After all this time, I know I've come out with a ground-breaking, excellent thesis that is from a refreshing and radical angle, but this has been hard earned because at first it was difficult for anyone to see exactly where I was coming from, including myself.Just under two years ago I took time out because I was frankly confused by his mixed behaviour and just totally fed up feeling like I was knocking my head against a brick wall with my research and the particular institution that I'm in, which behaves in a very elitist way that's hard to cope with at times. Looking back, my research was very weak then in many ways and it has really improved drastically since. After about 8 months I emailed him and said I was thinking of taking more time out or even leaving the institution altogether. I genuinely did feel that, so it was not a ploy. After about a month following this email something unexpected happened - he got in touch, we met up outside of college and went for a drink, had a very casual dinner and he was totally charming and kissed me on the cheek just as I turned to walk to my train. He's just not the kind of tutor that you'd expect to go drinking with and definitely would not expect him to kiss you goodnight as he's so strict. After that he initiated four or five 'meetings' on the pretext of discussing my research. During this time he flirted with me like a man in love and prolongued our meetings, kissed me on the cheek hello and goodbye, put his arm around me to cross the road, told me a lot of stuff about himself, asked much about my childhood etc. These were honestly really lovely times but stressful in the sense that I did not understand what was going on in terms of why he was flirting and what he wanted/having to hold back when I wanted to be with him in a romantic sense. Much of his communication with me outside of these meetings was by phone - seemed he preferred to phone me, often fairly late at night - later I wondered if this was because he didn't want to leave any trace of his behaviour or whether this is just his preferred way of communicating. I was falling for him big time but held back because I believed he was married - I was determined to be professional. On the last of these meetings he told me he'd been separated from his wife and living separately for two years because they were arguing so much that he was concerned about the effects on their child. I concentrated on discussing his child's welfare, although secretly I was selfishly overjoyed that he was 'single'. I did note that he complained albeit briefly about his wife, so I suspected he was still emotionally connected to her. Oddly, she would often call him even during my formal daytime tutorials with him and this happened once when we were out.I waited a few days and then texted him saying that I'd like to see him but kept it casual. By this time I'd agreed to go back to college and had just started back but I wasn't expecting to be in the actual college much at all. After a few days he called me and said he was really busy but we could meet briefly that night or wait a while and set something up. I said it wait and I did wait for over one month. He did not call. I made a decision to just be as professional as I could and I started attending college more than I had intended to and just fitting in with the other students who all really respect and like me. He certainly is extremely busy in his job but by this time I lost all confidence in myself as a woman as I'd gone through a nightmare break up from a very long relationship. In college for a while he treated me like he was still in love with me, even in front of other students - really this was unmistakeable. I was just pleasant and professional and then his behaviour increasingly changed - he began giving me the 'mixed' behaviour again and I began to despair.Since that time, which is almost exactly two years now, I have done my utmost to be professional and I have now finished my research apart from having to go back to be examined probably in about four months time. My research has been incredibly thorough and he has given a huge amount of time and energy to supporting it as my tutor. But to be fair I have also flirted with him - although subtly by just being extremely sensitive to him but never crossing the line, so he probably just thought I like him generally - and I am not imagining that he has flirted back. But he has also done confusing things - sometimes doesn't respond to my work related emails, other times calls me immediately by phone about them. Sometimes is brusque to the point of almost being rude, other times adorable and again goes out of his way to help eg. phoning me in the evening to discuss a work related issue on his day off. He has made it clear however, and through his actions, that he will not "cross the line' - whether this is due to institutional rules or his personal situation I don't know. We are both generally totally respectful to one another but have never, not once, discussed what happened. Recently he has done flirty things like often can't take his eyes off me when I enter a room and complimented my clothing - to which I blushed and smiled again - and I feel that he knows for sure that he is going 'out on a limb' to do this ie. its not 'innocent' there's a frisson involved. Other times however, he barely looks at me in public settings, whereas before he was almost constantly watching me when he thought I couldn't see him. Before summer he asked me about my future plans, got angry (on my behalf) when I told him someone had let me down about a job, asked me what I was doing over the summer (that was before summer) and when I asked him back he just shrugged and said "nothing really"...he told me what I would think of as confidential /vulnerable things about himself that must have been difficult/potentially embarassing for him to say. He also often shot me very loving looks when we were in public. As recently as one month ago he did things like look totally mesmerised when he saw me on two separate occasions/really "in love" to see me when our paths crossed on my way to a seminar and literally turned to watch me walk along the pathway - twice over a period of about two weeks - this is kind of shocking considering how formal he can be. I just blushed and smiled and looked down because it was such a contrast to his formal behaviour. He also asked my opinion about someone I'd worked with in another institution who I don't respect greatly - I tactically said "he has a wild side" and he replied to me "well...a man of substance can still have a wild side..." and smiled significantly and in a flirty way. He also shot me a loving look in a seminar just after that, but otherwise did not come and speak to me. And he forgot that he was supposed to email me to arrange a very important meeting to do with finalising my research. I know he had a major family bereavement over the summer - he told me very soon after as he had to cancel a meeting and I don't think other people know this - his job is very stressful as well and he does spend a lot of time with his child but I do not know his current relationship status. When I did finalise my research I emailed him saying it would be nice to go for a drink sometime but he did not respond. This really hurt, but it was in amongst many necessary emails going back and forth about finalising my research and was also close to end of term when everyone gets tired and stressed. He also seems super aware of institutional boundaries and not crossing them. At our most recent college get together (which will be my last and which he could not have known I was going to attend) I was unclear about my actual student status - there's a kind of grey area where its not clear whether I've properly finished yet or not as I still have my final exam, the date of which neither of us can know until next year. I was also very upset that we hadn't really discussed my research ending and had been so formal with me that it hurt - but it could be he's thinking that I have not finished and the discussion is still to come. In this final college 'do' I was aware that he was often watching me when he thought I wasn't looking. Later, he signalled with his eyes, secretly and humorously, to me, that he was bored with the drunken talk of those around him, so I shifted seats to sit next to him and he definitely gradually but politely filtered out everyone from our conversation (ie. just increasingly ignored what others were saying) so that by the end we were just chatting by ourselves - much laughter, a very warm and sexy atmosphere between us - I felt like we were going back to the same, really beautiful intimate space that had been between us during my time out. He again opened up and told me his concerns for his child and asked my opinion and seemed totally interested in what I had to say about this and other subjects. I was "bold" by my standards and complimented his clothing, which I have never done. He looked at me as if he understood that this was a significant move and thanked me. At one point we talked about our work together and I said how much I was grateful for his input and I said "but I sometimes feel that you don't take me seriously and it really upsets me" and just looked down at the table. This just naturally came out and what it meant was that I felt confused about his treatment of me in general, not that I was confused about whether he took me seriously as a student - we both know that he does, not being big headed but everyone does. His response was slightly odd. As soon as I said this it was like he took a deep intake of breath, got up and left the table very suddenly - kind of inappropriate to the actual conversation - then came back, sat down (I was still looking at the table) and said in all seriousness "I take you very seriously (and said my name)". He did not qualify this by saying " I take your research seriously, or I take you seriously as a student' so I am wondering if he meant he takes me seriously also as a woman - he is very, very careful with his choice of words and I feel he deliberately kept this open to interpretation/didn't close it down. I had been upset that he had not taken the initiative to really discuss any of my future plans after I leave but people have pointed out that I am still actually a student until after my exam and he will still be expecting to be in touch with me as he is supposed to help me prepare for this.Can anyone shed any light on what on earth is going on and should I just totally forget about this person now? He will have to contact me at some stage over the coming months but I feel I'm almost going mad from the situation and am tired of analysing it, but he is incredibly special to me. Why does he keep flirting with me if he's not interested? A highly astute and intelligent friend who I think suspects he is in love with me said very meaningfully, that my research and my thinking and me just being myself take him just slightly out of his comfort zone, intellectually and in every sense. She said this smiling knowingly but I've never openly discussed it with her. Apart from asking him for a drink I've been very careful to not "throw myself at him". The institution is extremely strict about stuff like this and it is difficult to know what exactly to make of his behaviour - if he was like this and there was no student/tutor thing going on I would just talk to him about it or would just call it a day a long time ago, even though he means a lot to me. It's just the most confusing situation I've ever been in. I need to be careful not to 'burn my bridges' professionally as we will both be working in the same field for the rest of our lives but our paths may not necessarily cross. Should I just back off as much as possible and remain polite whenever he contacts me re. work stuff? This is what I did when I took time out and it feels like this triggered something in him. I feel as he ignored my invitation for a drink then he doesn't want to act upon it - but I may be being far too hasty and I may have made this mistake years ago and should have been more patient. I do have a tendency to read the worst into a situation due to lack of self -confidence and act as if I'm being rejected when I'm not, so am trying not to do that but also be realistic. Do people think he went back to his wife? Or is he holding back due to his tutor status? What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (16 December 2012):
First and foremost, separated does not mean single nor does it mean divorced.
Next, he knows he could be punished for having a romantic relationship with a student. He would never put himself in a position where he could lose his job because he has a child. This child will always come first.
Finally, if you have discussed leaving once you have a degree why would he even bother trying to cultivate anything more than a simple platonic friendship?
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 December 2012):
 Hi
I would distance yourself, no contact except on a professional level. That way you give yourself a break from him and the distance will help you stop the analysing of this situation and enable you to move away from the focus and the intensity of your feelings.
If he had any romantic intention you would know for definate by now,men aren't that backward.He could have asked you to wait but he hasn't,or taken the bull by the horns,instead he has flirted and forgotten about it, intermitantly too.
My GP chats about his life and knows a bit about mine,we always have chats when I go in, but that's his job,to put one at ease, to make you relaxed, so its not hard for his patients to go see him when they need to.It's all in a days work to him and it works.He's a professional.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 He flirts with you because it feels good to have a woman like him. He will not pursue anything with you either because he doesn't know yet he will eventually divorce his wife, and/or dating students even ex students does not feel right. When he feels that you will be leaving he will lure you back in. As soon as he feels that it's getting serious he will ignore you. He doesn't want anything serious but he is enjoying the in between yearning for something out of reach feeling. He really doesn't have to explain anything to you. It is a dangerous game that you put yourself at risk. He will resist anything that will become real because real for him, means arguing a lot in a marriage and not setting a good example for kids.
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