A
female
age
36-40,
*oldengal
writes:Hey everyone...I feel down and just wanted some opinions or advice. Last year my friend of 2 years asked me out, and we were so happy. Anyway I was crushed this year when he broke up with me. He told me that he didn't feel the same way, but we should still be friends. I was upset but decided yes, we should still be friends.He then told me a couple of weeks after our break-up that a month before our relationship he had kissed his good friend (she is also my friend but not that close and she has had feelings ever since she knew him). He didnt act on things with her because he thought of her more as a friend. He said he got together with me because he felt something really strong, and he wanted to build a relationship. But days after our break-up they talked about it, kissed again and he thought that he may feel that way about her. Anyway he has now decided that he is not going to date her because he doesnt feel that way and she starting being a bit nasty out of jealousy of what I had with him. He claims he broke up with me because I should have someone who loves me with all their heart, not to get together with this other girl. He says he misses me and has feelings for me but not quite enough. Anyway we are still friends and because of our feelings we did kiss a couple of times after the break-up just cos we missed each other a lot. But after this mess I am determined he can't have me. But I miss him so much and I don't know what to do. He says he would love to be with me in the future if possible. But if in a year he does say 'you're the one', should I say yes or no? Should I throw away this amazing bond that has come through so much drama untarnished; or is it not right that he gets me back after how indecisive and confused and temperamental he has been? What if I dont find someone else as good for me and who i feel this way about? We are so perfect for each other that we made a 'marriage deal' (as silly as that sounds) to marry each other if we don't find anyone else. But is it wrong to marry someone who was thinking about starting something with someone else only 5 days after we ended and who kept their kiss a secret from me? He says he did it cos he was afraid that otherwise I wouldnt want to be with him. And how do i stop myself missing him and wanting to call him? He is not my boyfriend anymore so I can't just call him whenever i please...What do i do?
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female
reader, lareynaegomez  +, writes (30 July 2008):
sweety, all i can tell you is that i had suffered the same issue with love that you are going through, and to be honest with you. there will never be respect between you two. Sometimes it is better to let people go out of our hearts and have some sense of courage and integrity to rescue ourselves from the pain. Life is beautiful and full of surprises so don't turn down the opportunity to meet someone new that can provide you with security and mature love. take care and be strong!
A
female
reader, goldengal +, writes (8 May 2008):
goldengal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice sugarwaffle, I appreciate it and it was very helpful :-) I do agree with what you've said, I guess it's early days still and the fact that we're still friends makes it harder for me to put him out of my mind completely...but I will try to be positive.
Thanks again!
And any advice from others would also be much appreciated...
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A
female
reader, sugarwaffle +, writes (8 May 2008):
When someone tells you that you deserve someone who loves you with his entire heart and that person isn't him, it's time to move on. Those words are unfortunately devastating, but he has already admitted that he is unable to love you as you deserve and that someone else could do a better job. It won't be easy to pick up the pieces, especially if you have strong feelings for him still, but you need to start.
Things may change in the future, but you cannot depend upon it -- the possibility of him not wanting to be with you is still there. I think it's extremely premature to consider situations where he will ask for you back (and as previously mentioned, he may not do so -- will you have wasted a year hoping that his feelings would have changed when they did not?).
You are young, and there are a lot of people in this world who won't pull half the shenanigans or drama that this guy put you through - please don't lock yourself into your situation. It's easy to generalize that you will not find someone like him ever again when you feel lonely or sad. I know many people (and myself included!) who felt the same way as you did after a break up -- that you would never meet someone like your previous partner again -- and were proven quite wrong.
Missing him is natural as well as the desire to call him. Keeping busy after a breakup is very important: spend time with family and friends; go out with them, and don't turn down an invitation. Pick up a new hobby, exercise, read, garden...!
Best wishes to you.
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