A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my partner have mismatched sex drives and attitudes to sex. Mine is high, his is low. He is 41 btw, and says he's gone off sex. It's not a sgood as it used to be. We have a LDR and I've been back with him for 5 days, after 2 months apart. Last night before bed, I'd playfully asked him if we could do rude things to each other later, he laughed and said maybe. When we got into bed, he said he was tired and laughed that he always knows when I'm horny coz I fidet a lot and suggested I masturbate. I thought about it and gently asked if he would finger me. He started laughing in exasperation and then got angry and had a go at me. He said "we always have this argument every time you come over. I've said I'm tired, I work long hours etc, you know this and you're still trying it on" I was so upset by this. I thought that maybe he wouldn't mind pleasuring me even if he didnt want sex. I wouldn't mind if the shoe was on the other foot, giving him a blowjob for example. But his view is that its hard work to do anything sexual, it's like a chore and when he's tired(he has a physical job), he just doesn want to do it.I was really shocked at his reaction because I was only asking just in case, I said I wouldn't mind if he didn't want to I just thought it could be a compromise becasue he wants sex once a week-fortnight and I'd like it every other day. He said times like this he thinks I'd be better off with someone else with a high sex drive, but everything else about our relationship is great, we've been together 2 years. But this same argument keeps arrising. The thing is for him, its only a problem when I 'pester' him for sex when he's really tired and this pisses him off. For me, its an ongoing thing. I have to suffer the feelings that arrise from him rejecting me sexually.Also he said that men have discovered something better than sex... masturbation, because you don't have to worry about pleasing another person!!! What is with this attitude? Sex is about intimacy and sharing your body with the person you love. Its about giving each other pleasure.I really don't know what to do. I need help in how to word my feelings to him so he understands where I'm coming from because he really doesn't get it. We ended up having sex last night after the argument. I really wasnt horny after it I was hurt but he thought he'd try to please me and started to seduce me. I tried to stop him but then he said, now I'm horny, so I went along with it. It was good, I just feel bad about it because he gave it out of guild and I felt I couldn't turn it down. Now it feels like I owe him for something I didnt really want. Oh I'm so confused :(Any advice would be lovely!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so there is an age gap of 16 years. This is part of the issue and I have been aware of this from the start. Why am I with a guy so much older? Well when I met him, I didnt think what his age was, I just thought he was a very attractive, likable, funny guy. He hung out in the same pubs as me, hung around with a bunch of my friends(of all different ages I might add) and was in a band with a friend's boyfriend. Although most of my friends are in early to mid 20s theres also ppl in their 30s n 40s who hang out with us. Its just the people who r a bit alternative n metally that I tend to hang out with where I live.
Anyway, I knew he was older, kinda guessed 30s, I was 23, now nearly 25. When he said he was 39 I was surprised purely because he didnt seem that much older than me. By the time we hooked up I really didnt care. I found him very sexy and we got on like a house on fire. So as for wondering why I'm with such an older guy, purely because he happens to be 16 years older. I wasnt drawn to him because of his age. My lat ex was a year younger. I've been out with all kinds of guys, from 4 years younger to 16 years older. i dont think age should be an issue, unless it is for you personally.
I can see what you mean about age affecting sex life. But I think people's sex lives can have problems whatever the respective ages of partners. My last ex was even worse! And he was 21! He didnt want sex at the start of our relationship and it remained at once a week almost like clockwork. At least with my now partner at the start it was amazing!
It's just that now things can be strained. Not always and we had a great night a couple of days ago, so I feel better now.
I've come to the conclusion that as we are in an on off relationship due to me going away for college, this affects things. It takes a while to warm to each other again and to get used to each other. I think that good sex will just take time and I think I will just try to not get so worked up about it and remember I have a role to play in good sex too I cant just be expecting it to happen and for him to want it all the time.
Thanks for your insights :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): I think the problem is his age, among other things. You are too young to waste time with a man who cannot meet your needs . It will not get better you may not know but as men age they cannot perform sexually and it goes downhill after 40. A man your age will match your sex drive and would not get angry at your desire for sex. He does not sound like an understanding and caring man. Something to consider is why you are with such an older man? Think about spending your youth with a man who is angry with a fading sexual ability. You will not be happy. Go out and have fun with men closer to your age - the difference in proformance with a young man will please you. It's too early in your life to deal with oler men with sex problems - you will have to deal with them when you are middle aged no sense in subjecting yourself to that situation twice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys.
I'd just like to first of all say thank you very much for your insightful, varied and thought-provoking answers.
First of al, I'd be scared suggesting viagra as when I suggest a sex act at the wrong moment its doesn't go down well. Even if I don't think I'm doing something wrong, it seems I am.
Thank you hpoco, its' good to hear your advice, I guess I have to re-tune my expectations if I want to remain with this person. In order to change the world you have to start with yourself. I need to adapt my way of thinking.
As for Rose pettles, I can see your point of view. We do have a great age gap and for "normal" relationships we are at very different stages. But my last boyfriend, who I was with for over a year, was a year younger than me, and he also was only into having sex once a week, on the dot. So I'm pretty sure, low sex drive is not purely to do with age. Maybe it is me?! Who knows. As for babies etc, I don't intend to have any. If I d decide to 10 years from now, who knows what my life situation will be, and I would be happy to adopt or be a single parnet. Babies is not top of my priorities.
To marieclaire, I really do respect your opinion. But I was surprised by his reaction. He didnt actually say, I am tired and therefore I in no way want to be intimate with you. He just mentioned he was tired. I guess I should have read that as his way of saying, please don't come on to me or ask for anything from me. I dont know what I was thinking but I guess coz we'd just got back together after
2 months I guess I thought he would not mind doing that for me. Plus after the first shag we had where he stuck it in without foreplay and afterwards he said he'd "pleasure" me the next day, I guess I thought he meant that. I guess I was wrong. I guess I thought he would suddenly be open to pleasuring me as not being part of a full sexual activity. Hopeful thinking on my part I guess.
For , strontiumdog, I wish it was that simple. If I was not emotionally invested in this relationship I could very easily walk away and find someone who wants it as much as me. But, (as corny and pathetic as it may sound) I love him. He means so much to me, we have a life together, we have a connection in that we were drawn together. We both had a crush on each other and getting together just felt right. Our personalities complement each other and our friends acknowlendge how good we are for each other. I care deeply and I would feel its a crying shame to leave because of something so unimportant as a sex life. But to me I guess it is important. I just would have expected him to see it as important also. But it seems he doesn't from the masturbation comment. He'd be happy to want whilst looking at other hotter women and occasionaly having sex with me when he's in the mood.
I'm so bitter but I just dont know why, I don't know waht happened and I dont know how to change it. I believe its my attitude and my fault but I dont know what i can do about it :( I've juts always thought sex and intimacy was a big part of a loving relationship adn if it isn't there something is wrong and the relationship is deserving of pity. Which breaks my heart to think about.
I guess I am just being over dramatic. He has a hard job and I dont. I'm over romantic and want it to be all roses and sex every day, which isn't realistic. I guess I waill continue on and see how things develop with us and me and if its becomes unbearable I will have to accept that as good as it was, it perhaps isn't right for life. I can't deny my nature. I am a hedonist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys.
I'd just like to first of all say thank you very much for your insightful, varied and thought-provoking answers.
First of al, I'd be scared suggesting viagra as when I suggest a sex act at the wrong moment its doesn't go down well. Even if I don't think I'm doing something wrong, it seems I am.
Thank you hpoco, its' good to hear your advice, I guess I have to re-tune my expectations if I want to remain with this person. In order to change the world you have to start with yourslef. I need to adapt my way of thinking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): I think it's the age gap, most men at his age usually have kids. My mom was a grandmother at 40! He's at that age where he's obviously calmed down in that department and gets very tired from work and as you say it is a physical job.
He's probably happy just resting after work, watching tv and just relaxing. You have to remember sex can be very tiering and in most cases mainly for a man. Where as you want to do it loads at your age and what's wrong with that? You're young! He's been your age once and he's been through it all already.
I think maybe you should find someone near your own age. I mean you say you're happy and that's great, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? I'm sure one day you want to have children? He'll be a little to old by the time you want to. Plus if you hate the lack of sex now it will only get worse as he gets older. You need to get out there more, meet someone your age with a normal healthy high sex drive. You both need to find someone your own age who suit one another.
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 I have a higher sex drive than my husband (we have a 7 year age gap), so I think I really know where you are coming from. Its an awful, terrible feeling to get rejected sexually on a regular basis. He has had to reassure me VERY often that he actually does desire me, and that its about not wanting sex in general, not just not wanting sex with me (I still have trouble being convinced of that). For my husband, I think part of his problem is that he was single for five years before we got together. I think during those five years, although I know he had sex sometimes, he just got very accustomed to masturbation and occasional sex. I have had a boyfriend pretty consistently since I was 19 and was used to having relationship-sex with 20-something guys. Its very different! After thinking about it, I could see that I had to change my expectations, and try to accept him, and his sex drive, the way it is. I asked him to try and put himself in my shoes, and told him if he can not be more sexual, than it would be good if he could maybe turn up the romance so that I don't feel rejected/neglected. Sex made me feel intimate with him and special, but other things can do that as well. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend the same thing. This worked for us. While we have sex about as often as before, we spend more time cuddling/talking/tickling/massaging and it compensates. Also, once I stopped trying to seduce him, he wanted me more. Its annoying that it works that way, but sometimes it just does. So, try asking him for more intimacy instead of more sex. Also, discipline yourself into not asking him for sex at all for a few months and see how this might affect his behavior. And, if you can not de-prioritize the sexual aspect of your relationship, maybe you should consider moving on. It just depends on how important it is to you personally. Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's a turn off, but I'm naturally really into sex. It's not the most important thing to me by any means, but if I don't talk about sex or try to seduce him and wait for him to want sex, it can be weeks before he'll be horny! Now I don't think this is fair. If I bring up sex it makes him angry, if I dont I have to control my desires and love for him and be celebate.
The thing that got me, was that I DIDN'T place too much emphasis on sex this time. I turned HIM down the first night because I didnt want to rush into it and I knew he was just doing it because he thought I wanted it.
He'd rather just masturbate than make love to me, the woman he's mean to love and be attracted to. That crushes me emotionally. I wish I could make him see how I feel. He's so stubborn, he sees his point of view and talks me down so that all I can do is cry.
The first time he got angry and shouted at me for trying to initiate sex with him I was so upset! I couldn't believe the change. At the start of our relationship he was so into sex and even said he could make a set of stocks because I had a fantasy of being restrained in stocks and being done from behind. We did things I'd never done before. Then slowly things slowed down and one night he turned round to me and said "I dread having sex with you because I feel like I'm letting you down every time". Is this to do with some psychological issue fo his? Also 9/10 times he'll make no effort to give me an orgasm and he won't touch me before he just climbs on top and sticks it in. I dont know how to say, please this isn't fun for me, I dont have a chance to get arroused or get any pleasure.
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A
male
reader, Kenneth  +, writes (1 April 2010):
Suggest Viagra to your bf. Also try not to lay too much emphasis on sex. It could be a turn off for guys.
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