A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Four years ago I had quite a large group of people who I considered my friends. I met my boyfriend (now fiance) through these people. Around the time that we met, I think I realized that I want to distance myself from these people. There have been many unpleasant incidents which I will briefly describe. I received a lot of scrutiny. Girls would talk behind my back and then one of them would deliver it to me. One particular funny message comes to mind: one of these girls called me too "positive", and that my "positivity was fake". It is true, I am a very positive person, but in no way do I put on a facade. I am happy. I am a happy person. What was wrong with that?Another incident was when I was called "cheap", when I wouldn't agree to split a $350 dinner bill between 5 girlfriends. To vaguely explain: I was invited to a girl get together, I arrived to the bar late, and as I was driving that night I just had 1 bottle of Corona, and 2 cups of green tea. When the bill came, it was over $350 + tax and gratuity, listing things that the girls had ordered and ate/drank before I arrived. They wanted the bill to be split evenly, between the 5 of us, resulting in around $80 each! I refused to pay that much, and lay down a $20 bill to cover my share and then some ($6 for 1 Corona, and $5 for 2 cups of tea + tax and tip). The look and attitude I got from these girls were unforgettable. I am not rich, I work hard for my money, and I refuse to just throw it away to satisfy somebody. I thought it was extremely unfair.Other times that have shown me that this group of people is really not "my company", stem from many unpleasant things that my fiance and I had to experience. Some of his "old friends" have told me that I should "shorten the leash on him" and "let him have some fun". My fiance is a free individual. In no way have I ever implied that I do not want him to go somewhere and have fun, in fact I support it. But he has a mind of his own, and his own opinions, and I do not "hold" him near me or "force" him to act in a certain way. The reason why he has cut contacts with these people is because he also experienced some unpleasant situations with them. My fiance and I communicate well, and we discussed these things. At one point, I was worried that he stopped talking to a lot of people he used to be friends with. When I asked him about it, he just shrugged his shoulders and answered, "You're my best friend and that's all I need." He has 2 other friends which he is still on good terms with, but doesn't see them much. I have 2 good girlfriends, who I can confide in and lean on for support and good times. Personally, that is all I need! I guess we came to the conclusion that over the past few years our standards for the people we choose to surround ourselves with had changed, it had increased greatly. The result: dozens of people weeded themselves out of our lives. The consequence? I cannot speak on behalf of my boyfriend (although he tells me he shares my point of view), but I feel happier than ever, more confident, calm, comfortable and easy going with the 2 friends I currently have.I do not feel that I "lost" anyone, or that I did a wrong thing by not continuing to socialize with these people. I really do feel more content and comfortable with my life now that these people are no longer in my social circle.Has anything like that happened to you? Is it normal or uncommon for people at our age (24 and 29) to not have a large group of friends, and just have 1 or 2 close friends who we are comfortable with?Also, Sometimes in a blue moon these people will invite us to a large gathering, like somebody's birthday. We go, but personally i don't get any pleasure out of it, and I think neither does my fiance. We go, just because of the history with these people. We go, because we feel we "have to" in order to avoid any further scrutiny (wrong, I know). We go, because we didn't officially cut contact with them and there really see no reason to ignore an invitation. Is this unfair to these people? Is it wrong of us to still accept invitations to these gatherings even though in our hearts we know that we want to separate ourselves from them?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 WE have one couple that we are close to... that's it.
I have a few girlfriends... that's it.
you don't have to ignore the invites you get from the former friends but if you accept them, be aware it's going to be expected that should you throw a party they will be invited too...
you don't have to BREAK UP with friends... friendships can drift off... just decline the next invite or two and they will stop coming...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 I think you are just being unfair to yourselves, if you subject yourselves to the trouble and boredom to attend social events you don't enjoy with people you dont' like or care for. For doing what, to be nice, to be polite ? you can nicely and politely turn down the invitations, an invitation is not a royal summons. You can diplomatically claim previous engagements , or simply say thanks but no thanks. ...Rinse and repeat, and in a short while THEY will weed out themselves !
Life is too short to spend it with people who do not being anything positive to us- unless you are forced by circumstances ( as it could be in a work environment , where, if you want to keep your job, you'll also have to tolerate people who aren't exactly your soulmates ). But if you can pick and choose... do pick amd choose, then.
As for having a smallish social circle, yeah I guess that at your age is a bit unusual, in your age range people are generally more social and have a more flexible, extended notion of "friendship" ( i.e. they count as friends what actually are just social acquaintances). But, that is not necessarily a good thing per se, quality over quantity, I always say. Then, it depends from your personality, it's not mandatory to be social butterflies , if you and your bf feel that your socialization and entertainment needs are met by each other and your 4 close friends, what's wrong with that ?! YOU know what you like and what you need.
Plus, you could always meet other people and make new friends that you are more on the same wavelength with. It's not that your social life and interaction ability stops in your 20s ! I have had , along the years, to relocate a few times to different places, and , every time, I admit I was very worried, oh poor me I don't know anybody , at my age ( whatever the age was ! ) it's so difficult to make new friends blah blah, ... and my dire predictions have always been proven totally wrong. Maybe I am very lucky in that , or maybe I am such a joy to be around :)... but, I don't think it's this..
I think that if you know what you want , also in terms of friendship/socialization, and ,again, you look for quality, not quantity, you end up meeting the right persons for you.
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