A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband I have agreed to divorce. We still live together because it's convenient but we treat each other as roommates and I will probably stay at our house for at least next three months.About two months ago I met a guy through mutual friends. He's intelligent, funny, etc. We started talking as friends and went out once for drinks. Nothing physical happened but while we have been talking, we developed an emotional bond and have started to have feelings for each other.The problem is, he has a girlfriend and I haven't told him that I'm divorcing my husband. ( when we met I wasn't sure and then I didn't know how to bring it up again). He keeps saying that they don't have a good relationship and that he feels much more fulfilled with me. He also tells me that he feels more for me than for her.They don'live together and they have no kids.So here is my problem: I think I want to be with him and he tells me that he has been falling for me. I can't tell him to leave his girlfriend for me but he has been casually making plans for the both of us.Recently he said he would to meet my parents. so far we just talk on the phone and text. What should I do to let him know that I want to be with him without telling him to leave his girlfriend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): So... you just EXPECT him to leave his girlfriend because YOU decided to leave your husband?One has nothing to do with the other.He might actually LOVE his girlfriend. She might LOVE him too.He might actually want to STAY with her. Whatever you do with your life has no bearing on his life or his relationship.Deal with your own baggage and don't put all your eggs in his basket!You have NO right to ask him to leave her. Nor to EXPECT it!If his relationship does not work with her, let him make the call on his own. Leave him alone to his relationship and MOVE ON BY YOURSELF. You could use this time to get your head on straight and your own life in order. And put him in the rear view.IF it is meant to be and IF he is interested in you, then HE WILL contact you once that relationship is over. BY HIS CHOICE. NOT YOURS.My husband had a GF when we met. We had an instant connection and both felt a spark. But I did NOT come between them. I moved on. And do you know what happened? About 4 months later, he called me. Said that relationship did not work out. He called it quits with her as the relationship was actually deteriorating when he met me. But I did not want to be the cause. Nor expect to be.Things work out as they should in the end. What is meant to be, will be. Some things work in our favour and some things don't. That's life.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 May 2016):
Hi OP,
"I was lucky to meet someone who feels so good."
I do not believe in luck. If something is meant to happen, it will.
As for your happiness...Of course. Anyone with a real heart would want you to be happy.
What I was getting at was...You are not divorce yet, the other guy is not single yet. Fix these things before you start something else.
It would be like having a car with a flat tire, and instead of getting the tire fixed, you go out and buy a new car.
If this guy is truly unhappy, then let him get out of his situation. If your marriage is done, then get the divorce, even if you still live in the same house. At lease when you meet someone and ready to move on, you can with having to explain things. It would be like you are renting the basement or a room.
Only fools praise famous people for their foolishness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think my life is a mess. It had been for a long time but now that my husband and I decided that we are not a good match for one another. It happens, people make mistakes, and then they move on.There is no bitterness or blaming each other. We gave our marriage a fair amount of time and realized that we can't make each other happy.As far as this guy, I can't believe that when I finally met someone who is so close to what I'm looking for, he's not available.It's funny but when I read biographies of famous people and their many marriages and relationships, it all seems so easy and romantic. The truth is, we glorify famous people when they have affairs, we call them true love, and we make movies and songs about them.I'm just someone who's looking to be with someone who understands me, likes the same things, is emotionally available, and open to treat me like I'm someone who matters.Had we both been single, people would look at us and call us lucky that we found each other.In the meantime, I'm asking complete strangers what to do when I should be happy that I was lucky to meet someone who feels so good.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (16 May 2016):
My dear...You ever hear the saying "Two wrongs do not make it right."
You are in a relationship with issues. This guys is in a relationship with issues...so you think that two people with issues will get together and BOOM....OH HAPPY LIFE!!!
First find out why your marriage is failing. Divorce or not, if you do not understand where things when wrong and how they got this bad, you will most likely repeat the same mistakes in every other relationship.
Lots of people go through 3 and 4 divorces, before they figure out their own faults that could have saved their first marriage.
Sure you are lonely, in need of love, and companionship. But these emotions have lead many people down an even more painful road.
Fix YOU first...then look to the future. DO NOT expect getting into another relationship will fix the problems for you.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Wait, if there is any truth to him being unfulfilled in his relationship then what problem does he have with leaving her and moving on to find happiness with you? Too many times are vulnerable people duped into believing these sad and sorry stories spun by partners wanting little more than a bit of sex on the side. Thing is, regardless of what problems he may or may not be having with his current partner, if you could for a moment put yourself in her position, how would you feel about another woman being the emotional shoulder for your man to cry on instead of talking things out with you, maybe not your husband because you are divorcing him but you get my drift. Its just not cool to do that to another woman and who really wants a man that thinks its ok to do that anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): I think you're both coming at this from different angles. He thinks you're happily married and he has a gf therefore he wants fun only. You are looking ahead beyond your divorce to a relationship.
As you say he has nothing preventing him from leaving the gf so why doesn't he?
If I was you I'd tell him about your impending divorce. You can make it clear it's been planned for some time. I suspect he'll lose interest after hearing that.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Anytime someone committed in a relationship comes out claiming how unhappy he is in a relationship and instead wants you - do not believe. If he is unhappy with his GF then there are but only 2 options: either leave her or fix the relationship. Romancing you will not fix his predicament. Therefore, I don't buy anything that the guy is telling you.
So on the contrary, I would tell him that if he wants to date you he has to leave his GF. Then sit back and watch him forget your name.
Meanwhile, you need to straighten up your status before getting yourself tangled up with anyone. Get your divorce done then go about the business of dating.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Focus on sorting yourself out first. Sorry, but you are in NO place to date anyone. Your life is a mess.
Move out, finalize the divorce, TAKE some time being JUST you and working through WHY the marriage failed. THEN.... you can date.
Don't invite this guy around and meet your family. HE HAS a GF.
All this smooth talking he is doing, is saying all the things he think you want to hear, YET, he still HAS A GF.
So focus on you, if you want keep him around AS a platonic friend and once YOU are legally and emotionally single, tell him you have feeling for him. IF he feels the same, he should WANT to end his relationship without you having to tell him to leave the GF... don't you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reply. I'm not divorcing because of the new guy and I don't know how to let him know that he's not the reason of my divorce.
I don't want to rush anything. Just want to wait and see what happens next.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 May 2016):
 The only time you can tell him to leave his girlfriend is when you agree to officially date. You should finalize the divorce, arrange your new living situation as a single woman. Then you can make relationship decisions together. Right now it's just talk. Nothing is more of an aphrodisiac then to hear his woman is no good and you are much better.
I would suggest you to proceed with caution. Don't divorce because of the new guy. Divorce because you had tried everything to save your marriage and there is just zero love left. A lot of people divorce thinking there's a new chance at love, and forever passion, only to find out that divorced men or almost-single men still loved their exes and are just using people for sex.
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